


Redemption

by LilyAnson



Series: Falling Faithfully [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angry Crowley, Arguments, BDSM, Cain Being Cain, Castiel Being the Smart One, Child Loss, Confessions, Crowley Being Sensitive, Dean Being Dean, Demon Cure, Dominant Sam, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Family, Home, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marriage, Master/Pet, Mating Bond, Mediator Castiel, Mentions of past abuse, Mpreg, POV Crowley, Regretful Sam, Regrets, Rimming, Sam Being A Dick, Self Dout, Self-Esteem Issues, Stockholm Syndrome, Submissive Crowley, True Mates, Upset Sam, Worried Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-04-03
Packaged: 2018-10-07 03:37:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 47,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10351458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyAnson/pseuds/LilyAnson
Summary: (you really REALLY should read the others first)  Sam regrets all he's done to Crowley.  Can they repair their relationship or is it doomed?  Will Sam choose his brother over his love?  Will Crowley once again be left at the mercy of others?  Can they repair their relationship or are humans never meant to mate with demons?





	1. Chapter 1

Crowley woke grimacing. Opening his eyes he glanced to the bed and realized Sam had already left for the day. He let out a small whimper as he wrapped his arms around himself. He does love me, he told himself. Still grimacing he tried to find the cause of the scent assaulting his nose. Finally he realized it was his own clothing. Quickly he stripped. Better, he thought, but not good yet. Something drew his attention and Crowley sniffed the air. Following his nose he ended up at the stash he had of his Master’s clothing. Sifting through it he tried to find what he wanted to wear when he realized he couldn’t pick between the scents. 

-

“Crowley!”

Crowley flinched slightly as his Master used his given name but finally he knelt. After several seconds he was bracing himself to stand when his Sam entered the bedroom. Sam stopped dead and stared at him. Crowley cowered in fear. His Master using his given name was never a good sign not to mention the indecipherable look on Sam’s face at the moment.

“Crowley?”

“Master?” Crowley asked ducking his head.

“Why are you kneeling in a pile of my clothing?”

Crowley let out a loud whine. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “You were gone and I missed you and it just, they just…” 

“They just what?” Sam asked quietly.

Crowley winced. He was going to be punished, he was sure of it. “They just smelled like you Sir,” he answered quietly.

“Smelled?” Sam asked.

Crowley let out another whine. “I’m sorry. I just… You weren’t here… I wanted you and couldn’t leave so I just…”

“Shush, Pet. It’s fine, I’m not mad.”

Crowley ducked his head farther in shame. “I just needed to feel you around Sir,” he whispered.

Sam knelt down and wrapped his arms around Crowley. “Shh, Pet. I’m here now. Everything is fine.”

-

Crowley woke the next morning wrapped in his Sam’s arms. Usually that would be enough. Today, however he found himself hornier than he remembered feeling in… well, in forever. Gods he needed his Master to fuck him. Sam shifted in his sleep and Crowley moaned in pleasure as his Master’s skin pressed against his own. He really, really, needed to find a way to convince his Master to fuck him. At this point he almost didn’t care if Sam was gentle or not. He really just needed to be fucked.

-

“Go back to the apartment,” Sam ordered. 

Crowley let out a loud whine and his Master glared at him. Crowley ducked his head and adopted a more deferential posture. “Yes Master,” he murmured. Damn. He was going to have to watch his attitude better. If he continued slipping like this he was going to get punished.

-

“Slave!” Sam called from the living quarters.

Crowley bolted upright and stared momentarily. Finally he pried himself out of his shock and hurried to see what his Sir wanted. As he rushed into the living quarters it was more than five full seconds before he realized there were others present. Eyes finally meeting his Master’s Crowley dropped to his knees and lowered his head.

“Yes Sir?”

“You will please these people,” Sam commanded.

Against his will something inside of him balked. Normally he would do anything Sam asked without a question. Now, something was different in him and Crowley couldn’t place it. He didn’t want to fuck any these people. He frowned. He never ever wanted to fuck anyone else that wasn’t his Master. Why should these people be any different than anyone else his Master brought back? Crowley shook his head to clear it. Sadly, his Sir misunderstood the gesture. Sam hit him and Crowley was thrown sideways onto the floor.

“Oh you’re fucking them whether or not you like it,” Sam growled.

“I’m sorry Master. I did not mean to make you think I disagreed,” Crowley answered differentially. “I just woke. Perhaps I am still just tired?”

“You will fuck whomever I tell you,” Sam growled.

“Yes Sir,” Crowley answered, nodding his head. Inside he felt like his heart was breaking though he couldn’t say just why.

“You do whatever the fuck I tell you or you won’t like the consequences,” Sam insisted.

“Yes Sir. I never meant to disagree with you Sir,” Crowley answered. Please don’t let him hate me, he thought. I need him! _Maybe if I’m good enough he’ll fuck me?_

“You cannot control your own slave?” someone asked.

Crowley’s heart dropped even more. How could he disappoint his Master? Climbing to his knees he lowered his gaze to the floor. “It is not his fault sir,” Crowley reply calmly. “I am not a good slave. Sometimes I slip and I need to be punished. Please do not blame my Master for my faults.”

The other walked forward and roughly grabbed a fistful of Crowley’s hair.

“We shall see.”

Crowley did his best to stifle the whine. Oh gods it hurt so much. This man didn’t care. He was nothing like Crowley’s Sir. How could Crowley ever fuck him? The other demon struck him. He would have been thrown to the ground for a second time if the demon didn’t still have a firm grip of his hair. Suddenly there were several sounds he didn’t understand. Crowley’s head was jerked downward then up again before the fingers released his hair. Terrified Crowley closed his eyes and didn’t move.

“You will not hurt my slave without cause!” he heard his Sir growl.

Something in Crowley’s heart shivered with love.

“You said you had no problems with us fucking him!” the other demon shouted.

There were a few muffled noises but Crowley still didn’t open his eyes. 

“I hurt my slave. You do not touch him without my permission,” Sam growled.

Something in Crowley swelled with pride. His Sir loved him. Crowley couldn’t help himself. He broke into a grin. Sam loved him. Suddenly he was overwhelmed with a need to fuck his Sir. Now!

“Sir?” Crowley asked as he reached a hand down to touch himself.

“Slave?”

Crowley stroked himself lightly and moaned. “I need you. Please Sir fuck me.”

“No,” Sam stated.

Crowley almost doubled over on himself with need. “Yes Sir,” he whispered hanging his head in shame. His Sir didn’t want him anymore? Still, his cock continued to stiffen. He needed to be fucked so much right now. What the hell was wrong with him?

“Later sweetie,” Sam told him quietly.

His head shot up as his eyes slid closed. Later. He could almost agree with it if his Sir really meant later. Gods he needed his Sir to fuck him now!

“As for the rest of you,” Sam stated, addressing the others present. “If any of you hurt him without my express consent I will kill you like I did the last one.” There were several sounds of agreement at this. “You all know the rules. You can touch anything you like but no penetrating anything besides his mouth. Got it?”

More agreement. Crowley almost sighed in relief. At least there wouldn’t be any actual fucking. All he had to do was give a few blow jobs and that was it. He was pretty sure he could handle that much; especially if Sam meant it when he said they could fuck later. One of the demons dropped his pants and sat in the nearest chair. Crowley glanced to his Master for permission. When Sam nodded Crowley crawled to the chair, sat up on his knees and lowered his head submissively. 

“Proceed slave,” the demon ordered.

Crowley leaned forward and took the demon’s cock into his mouth. He grimaced at the taste. This demon tasted absolutely nothing like his Sir. A hand gripped his cock and Crowley almost jumped. The demon he was sucking canted his hips and his cock slid farther down his throat. Crowley struggled not to gag.

-

Even though there had been no actual fucking Crowley was almost trembling by the time it was all over. They had smelled nothing like his Sir and Crowley had trouble letting them touch him without drawing away. Only his Master’s orders kept him still as the others fondled him and fucked his face. Sam was seeing the last of them out of the apartment. Finally alone Crowley curled into a ball and shook. 

Sam entered and stood near him quietly. Finally Sam reached down and lifted Crowley off of the floor. Without speaking Sam carried him to the bedroom and laid him on the bed. Crowley curled up on himself again and shook harder. Sam laid down next to him and wrapped both arms around him. Crowley broke into tears as his Master held him. For a while Crowley couldn’t stop crying. When he was finally able to stop Sam dried his face and kissed his forehead.

“I’m sorry,” Crowley mumbled. 

“Pet?”

“Yes Sir?”

“What upset you?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted miserably. “All I could think was they smelled funny and I just wanted you to touch me. I didn’t want to disobey you but I wanted you. Still want you,” he whispered.

“You wish to have sex right now?”

“If it’s with you Sir.”

“Get into position slave.”

-

Crowley grinned. His Sir had fucked him several times and filled him with cum. Gods what could be better? Crowley shifted to feel his Sir’s cock move in his ass. Groaning Crowley felt so amazing good. He wished they could stay just like this forever. 

“Mm, Crowley?”

“Yes Sir?”

“Get off me.”

Crowley moved. Something caused his his nose to kick into overtime. He could practically smell his Master’s come. The smell made him grin. He had no idea why he was so sensitive to smells lately but his Master’s scent calmed him and made him strangely happy. It also seemed to make him increasingly horny. Crowley purposely ignored the sounds of his master getting out of the bed. He really didn’t want to think about Sam leaving for the day. Things would happen and he would deal but he still didn’t have to be happy about it. 

When he remained silent Sam turned. “Crowley?” Sam asked.

“All that matters is you,” Crowley declared.

“I love you slave.”

“I love you too Master.”

-

Crowley grunted in pain and pleasure. Gods he felt amazing. Sam slammed in once again and pressed into his prostate and Crowley cried out in pleasure. 

“Gods Sir…. Please!”

“No,” Sam commanded.

Crowley whimpered with need. “Please!?”

“No,” Sam ordered.

“Please Master,” Crowley begged.

“Slave,” Sam growled in warning. 

Crowley whined but didn’t argue. Even if he wasn’t allowed to get off this time at least his Master was fucking him. He moaned as Sam’s dick continued to slide in and out of him. Gods he was so fucking horny. He couldn’t remember ever wanting sex so often before.

-

He had no clue what caused his Master to fuck him every day this week but he wasn’t going to complain. Sam slammed into him once again and Crowley moaned. Gods he loved his Sir’s cock. Shifting his hips he pressed up to be able to take more. 

“Slut,” Sam grunted.

Crowley’s dick only stiffened more at the accusation. Of course he was a slut. Well, he was a slut for his Master anyway. Sam’s cock hit just right and Crowley’s dick threatened to come without his Sir’s permission. 

“Master,” Crowley panted. “Please… I need!”

“Come for me slut,” Sam ordered.

Crowley had no problems obeying.

-

Crowley rolled in his pallet. His Sir had ordered him not to touch himself without permission and Crowley was frustrated. He wanted to beg Sam to be allowed to get off but knew better. It wouldn’t help and it could only hurt. Crowley needed his master. When Sam stepped closer Crowley started to kneel. His Sir kicked the arm he was propping himself up with and Crowley fell back against the pallet once more. 

“I said stay,” Sam hissed.

“Yes Sir,” Crowley replied dutifully.

Sam lowered himself onto the pallet. Instantly Sam’s cock entered him and Crowley moaned in pleasure and pain. Without prep it did hurt but it hurt good and Crowley found he could definitely live with that.

-

He tried to sleep. He had no idea how long he managed it but when he woke he was struck with a strong nauseous feeling. Standing he started to hurry to the bathroom. When he took a step off of his pallet he froze. His Master had specifically ordered him not to leave his pallet. What was he supposed to do? Unable to stop it he doubled over and vomited.

“Pet?” Sam asked sounding concerned.

Stomach still heaving he couldn’t reply. He tried but couldn’t form the words. Tears formed as Crowley’s stomach continued to rebel against him. He desperately wanted to answer but couldn’t.

“Sh Pet. It’s alright, everything's alright.”

When he felt his Master’s hand on him Crowley’s stomach finally relaxed. 

-

Waking up Crowley rushed to the bathroom and promptly retched. Gods, what the hell was wrong with him? Demons didn’t get sick so it couldn’t be a virus. This was the fourth day in a row that he’d woken up and had to rush to the bathroom. It had to be something with the smells he told himself. For some reason everything smelled funny lately. The only smell that didn’t seem remotely wrong to him was his Master’s. 

“Pet?” Sam asked from the doorway.

Crowley spat the last of the vomit out of his mouth and breathed heavily still clinging to the sides of the toilet.

“When you are able can you come back to the bedroom?”

“Yes Sir,” Crowley answered automatically. At this point he wasn’t sure if he would be able to stand sex. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to have sex, it was more a question of ability. He didn’t want to get sick in the middle of it and ruin everything. Maybe he wouldn’t get sick. His Sir’s touch usually did make him feel better. Slowly he stood and made his way back to the bedroom. Crowley paused slightly when he saw the healer standing beside the bed.

“Slave,” the healer acknowledged.

“Other sir,” Crowley replied with a slight bow of his head. For some reason his current state of undress embarrassed him now where it never had before.

“Lay on the bed,” Sam ordered.

“Yes Sir,” Crowley answered. Climbing into the bed he started to lie on his stomach.

“On your back,” Sam amended.

“Yes Sir,” Crowley answered, hurrying to obey. He would have prefered to curl on on his pallet where he still had a few of his Sir’s shirts or at least lay on his stomach. At least then he would be able to hide himself. Those thoughts confused him. Crowley had never been body shy even before he had gotten with Sam. The healer made his way over and stared at him. Crowley tensed and waited. He couldn’t stand the very idea that someone not his Sir was going to be touching him.

-  
“May I speak with you in the living area?” the healer asked.

Crowley’s breath quickened and he had to work not to panic. He wanted his Master in here with him! Sam gave a quick nod and followed the healer out of the room. Crowley was left alone. His eyes began to sting as tears filled them. He needed his Sir. For no reason he could understand Crowley burst into tears.

-

Crowley had no idea how long he lay there crying but eventually his Sir and the healer returned. Gods he wished his Sir would sit on the bed and pet him. No such luck as Sam sat in the nearest chair, crossed his arms, and watched him silently. The expression on Sam’s face was completely unreadable.

“Slave?” the healer stated quietly.

Crowley shifted his gaze from his Sir to the healer.

“I have every reason to believe you are with child.”

Time stopped. Crowley blinked stupidly trying to process the words. With child. It still didn’t make sense. It was already hard enough for demons to conceive in the first place and they were only fertile every… Crowley froze. Every fifty years. Which was this year for him if he remembered correctly. Suddenly he needed to throw up once again. He let out a loud whine and glanced to the bathroom.

“Go,” Sam ordered.

Crowley wasted no time rushing to the bathroom. As soon as he reached the toilet he dropped to his knees and promptly vomited. When he was done he felt his Sir walk up and stand behind him. Crowley’s muscles relaxed at the mere closeness of his Sir. Of course they would if he was in his needing. He should have recognized the signs before now. He waited but Sam didn’t do anything more than stand near him.

“Sir?” Crowley whispered.

“Bed,” Sam ordered.

Nodding, Crowley stood. Clumsily he made his way back to the bedroom and laid down on the bed. Everything finally started to click into place. The changes in his senses, his desire to nest, the need to fuck his Master increasing. With child. Did Sam even want a child? Would Sam force him to get rid of the child? Would Sam get rid of him? Tears welled in his eyes and threatened to fall. He needed his Sir to hold him. Instead Sam moved to sit in the chair again.

“Slave?” the healer questioned.

“I forgot,” Crowley whispered. “I lost track of the years.”

“You didn’t think it was something you should mention?” Sam bit out angrily.

Crowley’s breath caught and it took a moment before he could speak. “It only happens once every fifty years. I forgot it was this year,” he answered quietly.

“You still didn’t think I should know something like this could happen before now?”

Crowley winced. “I’m sorry,” he whined. “I forgot. It only lasts three months once every fifty years. I always stayed away from everyone every needing before. I just… forgot.”

“Needing?” Sam interrupted.

“It’s what we call it,” Crowley whispered.

“It’s when unmated demons feel a strong need for sex with whomever they can find or mated demons require more than the normal time with their mates. Mated demons don’t tend to do well when exposed to others that are not their mates. Which would explain his desire not to be near me at the moment. The fertile time can sneak up on a demon,” the healer stated quietly.

“You, at the very least, should have told me,” Sam snapped.

“My apologies sire,” the healer replied with a slight bow.

“Is there any way to… stop it? Get rid of the child, or whatever?” Sam asked.

Crowley felt his heart breaking. 

“You are his Master. If you wish to relieve him of the child I don’t see why you could not do so,” the healer answered.

Crowley’s eyes slid shut. He couldn’t bear to see his Master’s face right now. If Sam chose to get rid of him he desperately hoped Sam allowed him to keep their child. It would be all he had left of his Master.

“Slave,” Sam called.

Opening his eyes Crowley fixed his gaze on the ceiling and took a deep breath. “Yes Sir?”

“How did you not know you were pregnant?”

“I have never been with child before. I only know the symptoms of the needing. Usually I stay away from others during those times. It only happens once every fifty years. Usually I pay better attention and seclude myself. I’m sorry. If I had been paying better attention I might have been able to realize what was happening. It’s my fault Sir.”

“Damn right it is. Closet. Now.”

Crowley flinched. “Sir?”

“Don’t make me repeat myself Crowley,” Sam threatened.

With a hand on his stomach Crowley sat and turned. Standing he trudged to his closet and waited. He couldn’t open the door on his own. It was part of how his Master ensured Crowley wouldn’t be able to release himself any time he was sentenced to his closet. Sam walked up from behind him and opened the door. Dejectedly Crowley entered his closet. As the door closed behind him Crowley jumped at the sound. The closet smelled horrible. It smelled of sweat and fear and nothing like his Master. Crowley felt bile rise up in his throat. Will not vomit, he ordered himself.

-

Brightness seared his eyes and Crowley scrunched them closed. 

“Slave.”

“Sir,” Crowley answered obediently.

“You may exit now.”

“Yes Sir,” Crowley answered dutifully.

Standing he couldn’t help it. His hands went to his stomach. As he exited his closet he waited. The sound of the door shutting caused him to jump involuntarily. His Sir put a hand on the small of his back and led him to the bed.

“Lay down on your back please,” Sam stated quietly.

Crowley nodded and moved to accommodate his Sir’s wishes.

“Crowley,” Sam began before trailing off.

“Sir?”

“If I upset you earlier I didn’t mean to.”

“I don’t know what to say Sir,” Crowley answered quietly.

“I know love. Look, I was just surprised okay?”

Crowley frowned. He didn’t understand where this was going and was nervous. “Are you going to ask me to leave now?”

“No!” Sam said loudly.

He couldn’t help the small smile. Suddenly he frowned again. “Are you going to hurt our baby?”

Sam was silent.

“Sir?” Crowley asked, fighting not to cringe.

“Do you want a child?” Sam finally asked.

Crowley felt the panic rising and fought not to throw up again. Sam hadn’t said he wouldn’t hurt the child. Gods he wanted to make sure his baby was alright but he didn’t want to upset his Sir either. He didn’t know what to do to make things right. “I don’t mind if it’s yours,” he answered cautiously.

“That’s not what I asked and you know it,” Sam growled.

Crowley whined in desperation. He didn’t know how to answer. Of course he wanted their child. He just didn’t know if his Sir wanted a child. He was terrified of giving the wrong answer and upsetting Sam.

“I… I want it if you don’t mind?” he stated questioningly.

“Crowley,” Sam growled.

“I’m sorry Sir! I don’t want to upset you!”

“Do. You. Want. A. Child?”

Crowley finally allowed himself to cringe. “Yes,” he whimpered. “But only yours Sir.”

“I don’t want a child,” Sam stated bluntly.

Crowley’s heart shattered. Sam didn’t want their child. He curled up on himself as tears streamed from his eyes unbidden. Desperately Crowley tried to pull himself together and failed.

“Slave stop,” Sam ordered.

Crowley nodded instinctually and tried to force himself to stop crying. Eventually he managed. “I’m sorry Sir,” he whispered.

“Crowley…” Sam paused before restarting. “Pet,” he began again. “I didn’t mean I would hurt the baby. I just wanted you to know how I felt. Do you understand?”

Crowley tried to understand but couldn’t. “No,” he said quietly.

“I don’t want children but I won’t force you to miscarry. Ever. I would never do anything like that to you Pet. Okay?”

“But… But if you don’t want it…”

“I’ve thought about it. I want it to be your choice Pet.”

“But if you don’t want children then how could I decide to have it?”

“I want to know what you want.” 

For a while neither spoke. Finally, to Crowley’s relief, Sam climbed into the bed. Sam’s hand went to Crowley’s back and rubbed it slowly and softly.

“Pet? Look at me.”

Crowley’s eyes opened instantly.

“I want to know what you _want_.” Sam paused. “I am not an easy person to love, I know this. Yet you do. I can’t ever understand what you see in me but I am thankful you do love me. I can never hope to understand how you can see past half of what I do to you. Yet you always see the best in me even when it’s not there. For that and so many other things I love you. I want to make you happy as well. I want to know how you feel about this if you can tell me. Please?”

“I don’t know how to say it,” Crowley admitted.

“Just say it Pet. Please?”

“Can you stop saying please to me Sir?”

“Anything you want Pet.”

“I… I…” 

“Don’t worry Pet. I won’t be upset no matter what you say, okay?”

Crowley nodded and buried his face in one of Sam’s pillows. Inhaling deeply he sighed happily at the scent. “Yes,” he muttered quietly.

“Pet? I can’t hear you. Can you repeat that, ple-. Sorry. Can you repeat that?”

Nervously Crowley lifted his head slightly and repeated himself. “Yes,” he whispered. He held himself there, head just above the pillow, eyes scrunched shut, shaking in terror.

“Then we’re going to have a child,” Sam said quietly.

Crowley froze. Completely forgetting his place he turned to stare at his Master. “What?” he gawked.

“I said, then we’re having a child,” Sam repeated.

Even hearing the words a second time didn’t make them make sense. “But you don’t want a child,” Crowley replied.

Sam reached over and brushed the tears off of Crowley’s right cheek. “But you do.”

“But…” 

“I told you Pet, you love me more than I can understand. If this makes you happy then I’m glad I can give it to you.”

Crowley fumbled for something to say. “You don’t want a child,” Crowley repeated nervously.

“You do.” Sam cocked his head and eyed Crowley carefully. “You really don’t know how much I love you, do you?”

Crowley shook his head.

“I’m sorry Pet. Suffice it to say I love you more than I ever thought I could love another.”

“I'm not worthy,” Crowley whispered reverently.

“You are to me,” Sam told him.


	2. Chapter 2

“Crowley!” Sam shouted.

Crowley froze.

“What the fuck are you doing?!”

Frowning Crowley glanced down to the laundry basket he was holding. “Laundry,” he answered simply.

“Put that down! Now!”

Bending down Crowley put the laundry basket on the floor and stood back up again.

“You are not to lift anything like that ever again! Do you understand?”

“I… But… Yes Sir,” Crowley acquiesced.

“That does it! We need to get servants!”

Crowley frowned. They didn’t need servants, he could see to his Master’s needs. Well, unless Sam had changed his mind about him. One of his hands went to his stomach. Maybe Sam didn’t like how fat he was getting now? Tears welled up in his eyes and Crowley struggled to keep from crying.

“Pet?”

Fuck he hated being pregnant. It made way him too emotional. Suddenly his Sir was there holding him. 

“What is it Pet? What’s wrong? Tell me and I’ll fix it, promise. Do I need to kill someone?”

“You don’t want me,” Crowley managed to mumble through the tears.

“Oh Pet. I am so sorry. I _never_ meant to make you feel that way. Yes I want you. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted another. Please don’t cry. For me? Please?”

“Stop it! Stop saying please to me!” Crowley shouted.

“Anything Pet,” Sam agreed instantly.

Suddenly Crowley realized what he’d done and ducked his head in shame. “I didn’t mean to shout Sir, I’m sorry. I will submit to whatever punishment you deem worthy Sir.”

“No baby, no punishment. I should have remembered how you felt about that. That was my fault not yours. Stop crying now? For me?”

“Yes Sir,” Crowley sniffled.

“I just didn’t want you to do anything that might hurt the baby, love.”

“I can still do laundry Sir.”

“Baby?”

“Yes Sir?”

“Would you like to call me Sam instead?”

Crowley balked and shook his head violently. He reached a hand up gripped onto the tag of his collar tightly. “No! You are my Sir! Please!” he begged. “Please don’t send me away! I need you! I won’t do laundry again or lift anything you don’t want, please!”

“Shh baby, shh. I really am sorry. I never meant I was leaving. I just wanted to know what you prefered. That’s all, okay?”

“You promised!”

“Oh Pet. I’m sorry.” His Master’s arms wrapped around him and Sam started rubbing his back. “I am not leaving you. Okay? … Pet?”

Crowley couldn’t answer. He was still too upset at the thought that his Sir might leave him. Instead of speaking he shook his head.

“Hey, I’m not leaving. I love you too much for that, okay?” Sam bent his knees slightly to look at Crowley’s face.

Crowley sniffled. “Promise?” he asked tentatively, his chin lifting slightly.

“Yes Pet, I promise. God, what will it take to convince you I love you Pet?”

“I can’t lose you,” Crowley whimpered.

“You won’t Pet, I promise.”

Unable to speak Crowley merely nodded against his Master’s shoulder.

“God baby I am so sorry. Ple-... I mean… Don’t cry, okay?”

Suddenly Crowley was viscerally aware of how stupid he was being. His Sir was having to comfort him because he couldn’t stop crying over a stupid misunderstanding. As much as he wanted to cry harder he forced himself to stop. How could he force his Sir to comfort him over something so completely stupid?

“I’m sorry,” Crowley whispered.

“Nothing to be sorry for Pet. Just don’t cry?”

“I won’t Sir,” Crowley agreed.

“I mean… Unless…” 

“I was stupid. It was the servants.”

“What servants?” Sam asked sounding confused.

“Not any actual servants. I mean, it was the comment. It was when you said you wanted to get servants. I just panicked.”

“Why?”

“I thought that you thought I wasn’t good enough anymore. Or maybe that you decided you really didn’t want a child. Or that you didn’t like how fat I am now. I… I thought you wanted someone else,” Crowley muttered ashamed.

“That’s not what I meant. I never meant for you to take it that way. I just wanted you to have help for heavy lifting and anything else you might need. That’s all, I promise.”

“Also I thought you were mad because…” 

“Because why Pet?”

“Because we don’t have sex anymore,” Crowley admitted miserably.

“Oh Pet,” Sam exclaimed. “I just didn’t want to hurt the baby. I would never want to fuck another besides you.”

Sniffling Crowley hid his face against his Master’s chest. “Can we?” he asked.

“Can we what Pet?” Sam asked still petting him gently.

Crowley inhaled his Sir’s scent deeply before pulling away. “Can we have sex?” he asked quietly.

“I really don’t want to hurt the baby. I’m not good at gentle Pet, you know that.”

Woodenly Crowley nodded.

“It really means that much to you?” Sam asked.

“I want you,” Crowley murmured. “I’m sorry, it’s just the needing. It makes us want to have sex all the time.”

“On the bed. Now.”

As Crowley started to move Sam gripped one of his arms.

“Slowly. Walk, don’t run.” The authority in Sam’s voice caused him to shiver in anticipation.

“Yes Sir,” Crowley acknowledged.

When Sam released him Crowley walked to the bed and slowly climbed into it. Carefully he positioned himself on his knees and elbows just as his Master liked. Sam walked over and stared at him. Crowley shivered under his Sir’s penetrating gaze. 

“Beautiful,” Sam whispered. “No Pet, I will never want another.”

Sam climbed into the bed and placed his a hand on each of Crowley’s hips. Crowley’s breath hitched as his love held his hips. Gods he had missed this. Slowly Sam spread Crowley’s ass and a tongue flicked over his hole. Crowley cried out in pleasure.

“Pet?!” Sam asked alarmed

“It feels so good,” Crowley moaned. “More please?”

“As you wish my Pet,” Sam whispered.

The tongue lapped at his hole again and Crowley couldn’t help it. He bucked. Gods he needed this. His Sir always made him feel loved. When Sam had suddenly stopped fucking him he’d gotten worried. He needed to know he was still wanted. Still loved. The tongue roughly shoved its way inside and Crowley gasped. Oh gods.

“Yes! Please Sir, more! Please?” He knew he sounded whiny but he couldn’t help it. He needed this so much right now. His Sir complied and continued tongue fucking him. Crowley wriggled in pleasure. Desperately he prayed his Sir wouldn’t order him not to move. He was positive he couldn’t obey such an order. Gods his Sir was amazing.

“Yes,” Crowley whimpered. “More… Gods please, more,” he begged. His Sir of course obliged him.

Crowley completely lost track of time as his Master tongue fucked him. Too soon he was begging for his Sir’s cock. Slowly Sam sat backward and pressed a finger into him. Crowley squirmed. He needed Sam’s cock! The finger moved in and out, in and out, slowly. Crowley wanted to scream. Instead he deferred to an old stand by and begged.

“Fuck! Please Master, please! Fuck me!”

“No. We go at my pace or not at all,” Sam answered. Was he imagining it or was his Sir’s breathing more harsh? “I will not hurt you, slave.”

Crowley grinned stupidly. “I love you Sir.”

“Do not move slave,” Sam ordered.

Crowley tensed and did his best to obey. Sam added a second finger and Crowley fought hard to stop his hips from wiggling. Gods he hadn’t been fucked in over a week and was horny as fuck. He almost wished his Sam would break and just bang him now. He desperately needed his Master’s cock. What the fuck was it about being pregnant that made him hornier than normal? Crowley knew. It wasn’t about being pregnant, it was that he was still in the needing time that was making him horny all the time. Still Sam slowly worked his hole open with two fingers.

“Another! Please Master add another!”

“We go at my pace,” Sam growled his breathing harsh.

“Yes Sir,” Crowley accepted. Gods how did he tell his love he needed it harder, faster, rougher?

After another excruciatingly slow five minutes of Sam working his hole open Sam finally added a third finger. Crowley groaned in pleasure. Gods it felt so good to have his Sir pay attention to him. He wished he could stroke himself but his Master hadn’t ordered it. In spite of everything he would never go against his Master’s wishes. 

“Gods, please Sir!”

“There are not gods in this bed but me!”

“No Sir!” Crowley cried out in pleasure. “Only you. Please Sir, I need you!”

The fingers fucking him stuttered briefly. “I have to make sure you’re stretched enough.”

“I am!” Crowley insisted. “Please!”

“I’m not sure,” Sam said quietly.

Crowley frowned. His Master was never quiet during sex. “Sir?”

“I don’t want to hurt you baby.”

“Please Sir! I need you, fuck me!”

“If you force me to hurt you or the baby unnecessarily…”

“Please!” Crowley cried. “I need you. I need your cock. I need you to fuck me. I just need!”

“Promise me!” Sam demanded.

“Anything,” Crowley accepted.

“Promise if I hurt you that you will say something!”

“Promise, please!” Crowley begged.

He tensed briefly before sighing contentedly as his Master’s cock entered him. God he had needed this. Sam began moving and Crowley relaxed into his Sir’s rhythm. Gods he loved his Master. As Sam fucked him Crowley arched his hips to meet Sam. As much as he knew his Sir loved him he couldn’t help but worry. Ever since Sam hadn’t deemed him worthy enough to fuck Crowley had began to doubt his worth. He definitely should have listened to his Master’s words. Sam’s hips hit his with a smack and he lost it.

-

Wrapped in his Sam’s arms Crowley finally woke. Thank the gods finally he didn’t feel sick. His Sir’s scent smelled so perfect to him. As much as he knew it was pregnancy hormones he couldn’t help it. Crowley relaxed into his Master’s embrace and waited for him to wake. Sam snored softly and Crowley grinned. 

-

“God dammit Crowley!” Sam yelled.

Crowley frowned.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!”

“Cleaning,” Crowley answered honestly.

“I fucking told you not to pick up anything heavy!”

“It’s not heavy,” Crowley answered honestly confused.

“Put that down! Now!” Sam ordered.

“Okay?”

Crowley set the basket of books down on the floor and bowed his head. He used a basket to carry multiple items now because it was just easier. He’d never assumed his Master wouldn’t approve of it or he would never had done it. Whatever his Sir wanted he would do. Crowley squared his shoulders and waited to see what was required of him.

“Bed, now!” Sam ordered.

Crowley obeyed and scrambled into the bed. Positioning himself on his elbows and knees he waited for another order or to be fucked. 

“On your back,” Sam growled.

Crowley turned as quickly as he could. His stomach was getting too big to let him obey orders like that too fast. As soon as he was on his back he awaited an order. He prayed but didn’t hold out much hope his Sir would fuck him. Sam seemed reluctant to touch him lately. As much as he knew why he was wrong it still hurt. His mind knew why Sam didn’t want to hurt him but his hormones insisted his Master no longer wanted him. Stupid hormones. It felt like his Sir hated him and couldn’t take how he looked anymore. Crowley held his emotions in check as he waited to see what was required of him this time.

“Damn it!” Sam yelled. “I told you not to lift anything heavy!”

“It wasn’t heavy Sir,” Crowley replied quietly.

“Bed rest!” Sam shouted. “I confine you to bed rest and order you not to lift anything ever again!”

Crowley cocked his head and eyed his Master. “But it wasn’t heavy Sir.”

“Shut your mouth,” Sam growled.

Crowley nodded once but didn’t speak.

“Damn it Crowley!” Sam began pacing. “You want this child. I want you to be happy. If you lose this child and I could have done something to prevent it…” 

Crowley frowned. His Sir was concerned he would be upset?

“Sir?”

“No!” Sam paced.

“Sir please,” Crowley began. “I just-”

“Quiet!” Sam shouted.

Crowley nodded once, his mouth snapping closed. 

“You really don’t know why I worry do you?” Sam asked.

“No Sir,” Crowley admitted. 

Sam made his way over and stared at him. Crowley cocked his head and waited to see what his Sir needed. “So perfect,” Sam whispered.

Crowley blinked in surprise. “Perfect?”

“Damn it baby.” Sam continued to pace. Finally he stopped. “Spread,” Sam commanded.

Crowley obeyed without a second thought. Sam was his Master and disobeying never crossed his mind. Despite everything Sam was his world.

“Gods baby. You seriously don’t know how much I love you?”

Crowley shook his head.

“Oh Pet.” Sam circled the bed then paused briefly. “You really don’t know?”

Crowley shook his head again.

“Shut your mouth and let me do as I please,” Sam growled.

Crowley nodded vigorously. When Sam’s mouth closed over his cock Crowley’s breath hitched and he almost couldn’t breath. As Sam sucked him Crowley moaned in pleasure. Gods he had needed this. Mentally he knew his Sir loved him but when Sam stopped wanting sex old insecurities began to surface.

-

Crowley had tried but failed to remain quiet as his Master fucked him. He should have been punished but Sam hadn’t hurt him. Gods he loved his Master. For whatever it was worth Crowley wasn’t too worried about what others thought of their relationship but he knew. He should have been better for his mate. Sam deserved so much more. Crowley would never understand why Sam loved him but he was eternally grateful. Sam was watching him intently and Crowley cocked his head.

“Sir?” Crowley asked tentatively.

“It’s fine Pet.”

“Yes Sir,” Crowley replied obediently.

“I was just admiring how you look right now.”

Crowley ducked his head and winced. He hated how he looked. He felt fat and didn’t understand how Sam could still love him.

“What is it slave?”

“I feel fat,” Crowley admitted.

“Mm,” Sam hummed as he placed a hand lightly on Crowley’s stomach. “Not fat,” Sam disagreed. “Pregnant with my child and beautiful.”

He couldn’t help it. Crowley grinned at his Master’s words. Sam always knew what to say to make him feel better.

-

Since demon pregnancies didn’t last long Crowley felt like his stomach swelled up overnight though it had been seven weeks. Crowley figured asking a demon to consider the needs of another for an extended time was asking a lot and was probably the reason their pregnancies were so short. As he made his way down the hallway to the throne room he prodded at his stomach. Yep fat, he thought. At least he had his Sam. Sam never failed to make him feel better when Crowley got depressed about how he looked lately. Beautiful, Sam called him. Crowley grinned in spite of his reservations about his looks. Sam found him beautiful and that was all that mattered to him. He turned a corner and almost ran into another demon. He nodded and started to step around when the other demon moved to block his path. 

“Slave,” the other demon sneered.

Crowley frowned. No other demon usually ever talked to him let alone in such a tone. He wasn’t sure what to make of it so he nodded once and tried to go around again. The demon moved to block his path again. Still frowning Crowley chanced a glance up at the demon.

“One day he will get tired of you,” the demon told him. “On that day I will take you and make sure you truly know your place.”

Crowley flinched. 

“Until then… slave.”

The demon nodded and finally walked past. Tears filled his eyes and Crowley desperately tried not to cry. Stupid fucking hormones. He couldn’t help it, he ran to the throne room. He needed his Master, his Sir would make everything alright again. As he turned into the throne room he slowed and finally stopped near the throne. He didn’t pay any attention to any other demon present. No other demon besides his Sir mattered. Dropping to his knees he bowed his head waiting for his Master to acknowledge him.

“No,” Sam stated instantly.

“I’m sorry Sir, I just needed-”

“Shut it.”

Crowley froze with his mouth open. Finally he closed his mouth. He nodded deferentially.

“I’m too busy right now to deal with you. Leave. Go directly back to the apartments, lock the door, and wait for me to return.”

“But,” he started to say as his head lifted slightly.

“Leave! Now!” Sam shouted.

Crowley slumped. “Yes Sir,” he mumbled. With a hand to his widening stomach, he stood slowly. Without raising his eyes he left the throne room. Tears stung his eyes as he made his way back to their apartments. He shouldn’t be so emotional he chastised himself. Sam usually sent him away when he was holding court. _He doesn’t usually yell at you though,_ his mind reminded him. 

-

Crowley lay on his pallet waiting for his Master. His back hurt. He needed his Master to hold him and make it better. Suddenly the door to the apartments opened. Crowley held his breath as he waited. Hopefully his Sir would let him in the bed tonight and they could cuddle. The bedroom door opened and Sam stood there silently. Out of habit Crowley averted his eyes and waited for his Master to address him first. Only Sam didn’t.

Sam walked into the room and sat down at the desk. As he began checking over paperwork Crowley frowned. Since they realized he was pregnant Sam always kissed his forehead and asked how he fared when he came home. Crowley was torn. He wanted to ask his Master what was wrong but didn’t want to speak out of turn.

“Sir,” he attempted tentatively.

“Shut your mouth slave,” Sam growled.

Crowley’s heart broke as he watched his Master. He nodded once and promptly dropped his head back down to his pillow. His hands went to his stomach instinctively. Was Sam angry with him? What would he do if his Sir decided he didn’t please him anymore? Instantly his mind replayed the conversation with the demon he’d had earlier. Crowley lifted his head slightly and eyed his Master.

“Sir?” he tried again.

“Shut. Your. Mouth.”

“Yes Sir,” Crowley mumbled.

Turning, Sam eyed him carefully. Crowley held his breath.

“Knees,” Sam ordered.

Crowley scrambled to his knees and locked his hands behind his back.

“I’m to pissed off right now to deal with you. Stay,” Sam ordered.

Fighting back a whine Crowley nodded once. Gods his back hurt. This would only make it hurt worse but he still couldn’t force himself to disobey. The ground dug into his knees painfully and his back ached but he didn’t dare move. For four hours he remained there, kneeling with his hands behind his back. Finally his Master turned to face him. Surprise was the only thing Crowley could read in Sam’s expression.

“Pet?”

“Sir,” Crowley answered dutifully with his eyes fixed on the floor.

“Have you been kneeling this whole time?”

“Yes Sir. I would never disobey.”

“Oh Pet.” An emotion crossed Sam’s face too fast for him to read it adequately. “Doesn’t it hurt?”

Crowley sniffled and nodded. “Yes Sir, hurts.”

“Bed Pet.” 

Crowley started to stand.

“But however you feel comfortable!” Sam shouted.

Crowley froze on one knee. “I… I am not comfortable without you Sir,” he replied.

“Would you like cuddles?”

Sniffing again Crowley nodded.

“Okay then. Bed now.”

As Crowley crawled into the bed Sam joined him. Instantly he felt better though his back still ached painfully. When Sam’s arm lowered over him Crowley sniffled again. 

“I’m sorry Sir,” Crowley whispered.

“No Pet I’m sorry, it’s my fault. I didn’t mean to cause you discomfort. I was just angry when I returned and needed time to calm down.”

“I love you Sir.”

“I love you too Pet.”

He couldn’t help it, he burst into tears. Perhaps it was hormones? “It hurts Sir,” Crowley admitted. “When you don’t want me near.”

“Oh baby. I never meant to make you feel that way. I’m just… I’m not good with emotions.”

“I know,” Crowley whispered. 

“Are you… I mean is there anything…”

“Cuddles?”

“We’re already cuddling Pet.”

Crowley gave a small breathy laugh. “There is that,” he whispered.

Sam wrapped his arms around him and hugged him tightly. “I am sorry. I never meant to upset you, I’m just bad with…” Sam waved a hand dismissively. “Feelings,” he finally added.

“I know Sir.”

“But it’s not you it’s me, okay?”

“I don’t understand,” Crowley admitted.

“I love you,” Sam whispered. 

“I just wanted to be near you Sir,” Crowley whispered.

“When I sent you away earlier it wasn’t because I didn’t want you near me. I was dealing with demons I didn’t want near you.”

Crowley cocked his head and eyed Sam questioningly.

Sam sighed heavily and stared upward at the ceiling. “When you told us of the demons that raped you there were some you couldn’t name. I’ve been doing everything possible to track down the ones you were unable to recall. I finally found the last of them. When you arrived I’d just had them brought into the throne room.”

Crowley shivered at the thought of having been so close to his rapists. 

“ _I_ didn’t want them anywhere near _you_ Pet,” Sam said quietly.

Unable to speak Crowley nodded. Remembering what he had suffered through not all that that long ago he began shaking. Sam wrapped his arms around Crowley and held him. Silent tears streaked down his face as Sam began to rock him. It felt stupid to cry over something he no longer had to worry about. They couldn’t hurt him anymore. He had his Sam now and his Sam would always keep him safe.

“Love?”

“Sorry,” Crowley whispered.

“It fine love. I just need to know if you’re all right.”

Crowley nodded and the tears finally began to slow. “It’s just the memories,” he muttered.

Sam’s arms tightened around him almost painfully. “I’ll make them suffer for years before I let them die,” Sam growled.

“Please don’t,” Crowley whispered.

Sam’s head cocked instantly and his eyes bored into Crowley’s. “You wish to protect the people that raped you?” Sam asked angrily.

Crowley shook his head. “I don’t want them tortured for years because it’ll only make them angrier at me. If they ever got free…” 

Sam’s arms loosened and he propped himself on one arm as if to stand. “What do you want Pet? I’ll kill them now if that’s what you want. Anything, name it.”

Crowley shook his head again. “I don’t want to decide or even know what happens to them. Whatever you want is fine but please just don’t tell me?”

“Sure baby, whatever you want.”

“Kay,” Crowley answered quietly.


	3. Chapter 3

A knock on the door startled him and Crowley jumped. Without a direct order from Sam he couldn’t open the door. What was he supposed to do? The person knocked again. Slowly, cautiously, he made his way to the door of the apartment.

_“Crowley?”_

Crowley relaxed instantly as he recognized the healer’s voice. “Yes?” he called back.

_“Are you decent?”_

“Yes but I can’t open the door. I’m not allowed,” Crowley replied.

_“I know. I have permission to enter from your Master.”_

Crowley backed away from the door and waited. And waited. When nothing happened Crowley frowned. “Healer?”

_“I was waiting for you to permit entry.”_

“Oh enter,” Crowley answered.

The door opened and the healer entered closing it behind himself. Crowley waited patiently to see what the healer required. He hoped Sam had sent the healer to tell him Sam wanted Crowley to meet him.

“I need you to lay down,” the healer told him.

Drawing his brows down Crowley cocked his head in confusion.

“I’m here to give you a check up, that’s all. Your Master wished to make sure you and the baby are doing fine.”

“Oh.” Relief flooded him and he smiled. Sam had been worried about him. Crowley grinned at that revelation. 

“Crowley,” the healer stated, breaking into his thoughts.

“Yeah, sorry.” 

Turning he made his way into the bedroom and laid down on his pallet. The scents from his Master’s clothes laying around the pallet soothed him and his smile broadened. The healer knelt down next to him and placed his bag of tools on the floor.

“Raise your shirt please,” the healer ordered.

“Could you not say please to me other sir?” Crowley asked.

“You are my king’s consort. You deserve the same respect as he.”

“I’m my Master’s slave. I do as I’m told because that’s my place. I don’t like it when people say please to me. It’s like they’re asking for my permission. I don’t like feeling as though someone is asking for my permission. It makes me feel nervous.”

The healer nodded slightly. “Very well slave. Then move your shirt for me and unbutton your pants.”

Crowley stiffened instantly. “My pants?” he asked nervously.

“I need to have full access to your stomach. You do not have to remove them but you will need to unbutton them so I can get to the lower part of your stomach.”

Still slightly nervous Crowley undid his pants and raised his shirt to his armpits. It was actually one of Sam’s undershirts. Wearing Sam’s clothing still made Crowley feel better and it seemed to make Sam happy. Crowley bit his lower lip as the healer reached forward. He scrunched his eyes closed just before the healer’s fingers touched his stomach. The touch was light but proficient. For a while the healer did nothing more than poke and prod around the upper part of Crowley’s stomach.

“Slave?”

Without opening his eyes Crowley tilted his head in the direction of the healer’s voice.

“I’m going to touch your lower stomach now.”

Biting his lower lip Crowley nodded. Stupid, he berated himself. He didn’t have anything to fear from the healer. Still, the only other people that had touched him besides Sam had always hurt him. It made him nervous that someone not his Sir was touching him. Fingers gently settled on his lower abdomen and Crowley tensed.

“I need you to relax Crowley,” the healer said quietly.

Still biting his lip Crowley nodded. Taking a deep breath he held it for a few seconds before releasing it. Finally he forced himself to relax. The fingers worked over his lower stomach moving slightly quicker than they had on the upper part. Forcing himself to stay relaxed Crowley let out a quiet whine. 

“Shh slave, I’m almost done.”

Nodding Crowley continued to lay still. After a few minutes another quiet whine escaped his throat. Instantly the fingers were gone and there was a loud thud. Crowley flinched at the sound and scrunched his eyes closed even more tightly.

“I should kill you now.”

Crowley froze. Sam? Instantly his eyes popped open and his head turned. His Master stood in the doorway glaring at the healer as he held him by the throat.

“Sir?”

“Are you alright?” Sam asked turning to look at Crowley.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Crowley asked confused.

“I know you Crowley. The look on your face? The sounds you were making? You were scared and I just walked in on him with his hand down your pants.”

“Yes, but… I… he didn’t…” Crowley stumbled trying to figure out how to say what he needed to say. “I was only scared because he wasn’t you. He didn’t do anything Sir, promise.” 

“Why are your pants unbuttoned?” Sam asked. His voice still sounded angry but he did seem to be calming slightly.

“He needed to be able to feel my stomach. The pants covered the lower half. That’s the only reason Sir.”

“He didn’t touch you?”

“Not… Not there,” Crowley answered shakily.

“Promise me,” Sam demanded.

“I promise,” Crowley replied immediately. “I wouldn’t lie to you Sir.”

Sam visibly relaxed instantly. “God Pet. I thought…” Sam shook his head. “It doesn’t matter what I thought. You promise he didn’t touch you?” 

“Yes Sir.”

“God baby.” Walking over Sam dropped down beside him and wrapped his arms around Crowley. Crowley grinned. Behind them the healer cleared his throat. Both of them turned to face him. 

“I could come back later if you wished. That is, if I am not dead by then.”

Sam groaned. “Sorry. It’s just that when I came in he just looked so terrified I couldn’t help it. After everything he’s been through I didn’t think I just reacted.” 

“It is understandable,” the healer replied.

“I’m sorry I was so nervous,” Crowley said dropping his eyes.

“It’s not your fault little one,” the healer told him. “Remember, I too know what was done to you.”

Crowley only nodded and continued to snuggle against his Sam.

-

As the weeks passed Crowley grew restless. Being mostly confined to bedrest he wasn’t allowed to do any of the things he normally did during the day. On the plus side he got to spend every night in bed snuggling with Sam. Sam did make a concentrated effort to spend more time with him. There were times when Crowley could see the strain of Sam struggling to keep his temper in check so as not to hurt him. Crowley really wished Sam would either just yell at him or not visit when he felt that way. He didn’t like feeling responsible for forcing his Master to do something Sam didn’t want. 

His only other visitor was the healer. The healer came by at least once a week to make sure Crowley and the baby were still doing well. Sam was present at every checkup. Even knowing there was no way the healer would harm him it still made him nervous when the healer touched him. Sam would sit next to him and hold his hand the entire time. Occasionally the healer would stay and talk for a few minutes. Sam would excuse himself at that point to do paperwork giving them time to converse alone. Crowley glanced over to Sam’s desk and sighed. 

He was really missing his Master right now. Turning onto his side he reached under his pillow and pulled out Sam’s shirt. When Sam declared that Crowley was not to sleep on his pallet any longer Crowley found he couldn’t rest without any of his Master’s clothing nearby. Nights were more bearable because he got his Master but laying in bed all day without anything nearby that smelled like his Master made him antsy. Eventually Crowley had worked up enough courage to ask if he might be allowed to keep something of Sam’s in the bed with him. When the smell wore off Sam would exchange the few pieces of clothing with new ones. Crowley smiled as he thought of his Sir.

-

Crowley waddled into the throne room. Okay, so maybe his Sir would have phrased it differently but Crowley was a realist. He was fifteen weeks pregnant and fat. He waddled and that was all there was to it. There were still approximately five weeks left. A demon sneered at him and Crowley glared. Finally the demon left. He wasn’t stupid. He knew how he looked. He also knew he needed his Sam. Sam would be busy today but that didn’t mean Crowley couldn’t accompany him. From out of nowhere he was struck by a blast of demonic energy. 

Crowley was shoved forward by the blast and struck the nearest wall. Pain blossomed and he blinked repeatedly trying to clear his vision. Almost immediately after he struck the wall hands grabbed his arms and threw him to the ground. Instinctively his hands went to his stomach and he tried to curl his body around it. He was too big now to cover it adequately. A boot connected with his head and his vision blurred even more. Another boot connected with his ribs on the left side and he gasped. Instantly blows began striking him everywhere. Someone stomped on his right arm and there was a sickening crack as the bone splintered.

-

Crowley woke in agony. Gods he hurt. He tried to move but the pain forced to stop and lie mostly still. He rocked slightly as he tried to breath through the pain. Suddenly he remembered the baby. Desperately he tried to reach for his stomach. It was difficult to move his left arm but he finally managed to move his hand to his stomach. Bolts of pain shot through his right arm and it refused to move in the slightest. Crowley cried out hoarsely. He tried to ignore the pain. He had to know if his baby was okay. Given his current condition there was no way he was going to be able to walk anywhere.

“Sir,” Crowley called hoarsely. “Sir.”

He had no idea how long he lay there in pain calling out for his Master. Finally he heard footsteps approaching. Crowley called out again and the footsteps stopped. Breathing raggedly he waited a few seconds before calling out again. The footsteps started again and seemed to be approaching faster. Fear filled him when Crowley realized it might not be his Master. When the demon came into view his fears were rewarded. The demon that rushed over to him was definitely not his Master. He didn’t recognize the demon and was terrified it was going to hurt him even more.

“Crowley!” the demon called out.

Crowley struggled trying to get away from the him. The movement caused the pain to flare anew but terror kept him moving. He had to get away. There was no telling what this demon might do to him.

“Do not move,” the demon ordered as he stopped only a short distance away.

“Sir!” Crowley yelled, still struggling. “Sir!”

“Damn it stay still. You’ll only hurt yourself more if you don’t stop moving.”

“Stay away!” Crowley yelled.

“Okay, okay.” The demon backed away. “Just don’t move anymore, okay?”

“Stay away,” Crowley demanded. “Don’t come closer!”

“Yeah yeah, whatever. Just don’t move anymore.”

Panting in pain Crowley eyed the demon. “Promise?”

“Yeah, sure. Whatever it takes to keep you still.”

Laying his head back down Crowley continued eying the demon as he tried to reign in the pain still coursing through him.

“You need assistance,” the demon stated.

“Not from you,” Crowley disagreed.

“You’re not going to be able to walk. It would be easier for me to blink you to the king.”

“No.”

“If I go to retrieve him will you promise to stay still?”

“Yes, go find my Sir!”

With a nod the other demon blinked away. Crowley shook slightly as pain shot through him. He pressed his left hand to his stomach, worried for their child and positive he was going to lose it. Desperately he tried to cling onto hope that it might somehow survive. The thought of losing their child did what the pain hadn’t been able to do so far. Tears filled his eyes as he started to cry.

“Pet!” Sam shouted.

Crowley turned towards his Master’s voice and noted the healer and the first demon were here as well. Sam rushed over and dropped down onto a knee. Instantly he reached out a hand but hesitated just shy of actually touching him. Crowley tried to raise his left hand to reach for his Sam in spite of the pain it caused. 

“No Pet, don’t move.”

Crowley whimpered but let his hand fall back to his stomach.

“My king,” the healer interjected. 

“Help him!” Sam demanded.

“I must be able to approach him first, my Lord.”

Sam moved until he was kneeling near Crowley’s head. The healer knelt next to him and opened his bag. Crowley strained to turn his head so he could see Sam. Fingertips lightly brushed over his forehead. 

“Don’t move love,” Sam ordered.

“Need you,” Crowley sniffled.

“I’m here,” Sam assured him.

A hand touched his stomach and Crowley flinched. Sam growled loudly but continued running his fingers over Crowley’s forehead.

“Crowley,” the healer stated quietly never once glancing up from his work.

“Yes?” Crowley whispered.

“When is the first time your Master said I love you?” he asked as he continued to inspect Crowley’s stomach.

Crowley frowned. “I… I’m not sure.”

“Can you try to remember?”

He thought about it. Finally he remembered. “It… It was just after he took my collar. I was terrified he was going to send me away. He told me he would never leave me because he loved me.”

The finger’s moved to continue inspecting him. “How did that make you feel?”

In spite of the pain Crowley smiled softly. “Happy,” he whispered.

“What was the first gift he ever gave you?” the healer continued.

Crowley smiled again. “My collar,” he answered softly.

“Mm,” the healer hummed. “What is the first thing you do when he returns home at the end of the day?”

The fingers on his forehead stilled and Crowley smiled. “He kisses my forehead,” Crowley answered. When a sharp pain flared through his left side Crowley hissed. From behind him Sam growled loudly.

“What’s your favorite thing about your Master, Crowley?” the healer asked.

He tried to ignore the pain as he thought about that. “His love,” Crowley answered finally. 

“Mm,” the healer hummed. “My lord? Might I borrow you for a moment?”

“I will not leave him,” Sam insisted.

“You will not have to. I require your assistance for something.”

Sam moved back to Crowley’s side. “What do you need?”

“I need you to help me mend his ribs. I can’t fix them completely but I can help speed the process along with a spell.”

“What do you need me to do?”

“He reacts badly to my energy, no doubt because you two are mated. I need you to use your energy to make mine more bearable for him.”

“Understood.”

“There are two things you should know. First, it will still be painful for him just less so than without your assistance. Second, this will also cause you a degree of pain.”

“Proceed,” Sam ordered.

“Place your hands here and send a thread of your energy into him,” the healer directed.

Crowley relaxed the instant his Master’s energy entered him.

“Crowley I need you to stay as relaxed as possible. I want you to think about how you felt when you first received your collar, okay?” the healer instructed.

Crowley nodded. Closing his eyes he tried to relax as he remembered seeing his collar for the first time. It worked and he was finally starting to relax. Suddenly the pain in his side intensified and Crowley promptly blacked out.

-

When he woke didn’t immediately remember why he felt so bad. Everything seemed to ache but certain places were far worse than others. Had he been punished for some reason? He hadn’t had a punishment this severe in a long time. He wondered vaguely what he had done wrong this time. Sam had always been extremely cautious since he’d gotten pregnant. Crowley frowned at that thought and opened his eyes. 

“Sir?”

“Shhh,” someone whispered. Crowley shifted his eyes to the side. The healer sat in a chair beside the bed. “Your Master will return shortly. For now you need to lie still, understood?”

Crowley nodded slightly. “The baby?” he asked quietly.

“We’ll answer all of your questions soon. Right now there are a few things I need to ask you first. How’s your pain level?”

“Bearable,” Crowley mumbled.

“More specific slave.”

“Hurts, but not the worst I’ve had.”

“What parts hurt the worst?”

“Chest, the ribs I think. Right arm, I can’t seem to move it. Also…” A small whine escaped his throat. “Lower abdomen, just above the groin,” he whispered.

“We’ll leave that for last. Perhaps your Master will return before we get to that.”

Crowley nodded thankful for the healer's consideration. The healer reached towards his arm and Crowley tried not to tense. It hurt every bit as much as he expected. The healer worked quickly and by the time he was done the pain was a bit more manageable. From there he moved onto Crowley’s ribs. The pain in his ribs was worse than his arm had been. By the time it was over sweat had beaded on Crowley’s forehead. Still, he remained silent throughout it all. His Master would have been proud, Crowley thought. 

Relief started to set in before he realized they weren’t finished. There was one other place they still had to deal with before they were done. Nervous tension began filling him at the thought of the healer touching that area without his Sir present. Not wearing anything under the blanket he really didn’t like the idea of lowering it. He started to move his left hand to his lower abdomen but the healer stopped him.

“Lie still Crowley,” the healer told him softly.

“Do you have to pull the blanket all the way down?” he asked quietly.

“I would like to wait on that if the pain is not too bad.”

“I can wait,” Crowley whispered.

With a nod the healer sat back down on the chair near the bed. Picking up a book from the bedside table the demon began reading aloud. Closing his eyes Crowley listened briefly before he realized what book the healer was reading. “Dante's Inferno?” he asked as he opened his eyes. The healer shrugged and Crowley rolled his eyes. As the healer continued Crowley closed his eyes once more and listened. After almost a half an hour the door to the apartments opened. Crowley’s eyes shot open and he started trying to sit. 

“No. Lie still a while longer,” the healer ordered.

Eying the door intently he waited. When Sam opened the bedroom door their eyes met and they stared at each other unmoving. Finally Sam made his way forward and knelt next to the bed. One of Sam’s hands rested lightly on Crowley’s left shoulder.

“God Pet, I didn’t think you were ever going to wake up. You’ve been asleep for days. I was so worried. I thought I’d lost you forever.” Leaning down Sam kissed Crowley on the forehead before resting his head on Crowley’s pillow and staring intently into his eyes. “I love you baby,” Sam whispered.

“I love you too Sir,” Crowley whispered back.

“How are you feeling?” Sam asked.

“Hurts,” Crowley answered honestly.

Lifting his head Sam glared at the healer. “You said you would take care of the pain.”

“I have taken care of as much as I could until you returned.”

Crowley frowned as his Sir and the healer seemed to be sharing a look.

“You haven’t told him yet?” Sam questioned.

“You asked to be present,” the healer replied.

Sam nodded and stood. Moving to the bottom of the bed he climbed in and sat down next to Crowley. Tentatively Sam’s fingers brushed against those of Crowley’s right hand. While it was uncomfortable Crowley smiled. He could live with a little pain as long as he had his Sir. 

“There’s something I need to tell you Pet,” Sam said softly. 

Crowley frowned. Something in Sam’s voice worried him. Sam began running his fingertips over Crowley’s forehead slowly. It was one of the few places left on Crowley’s body that wasn’t injured. He wanted to relax into the touch but couldn’t. Something was wrong. Suddenly he knew. He couldn’t explain how he knew but he knew. “The baby,” Crowley whispered.

Sam pressed his lips together and didn’t respond.

Crowley started shaking his head. “No. No, you’re wrong,” Crowley disagreed. “Just… just… no.”

“Baby,” Sam whispered.

“No you’re wrong!” Crowley shouted.

“Crowley,” the healer started.

“Stop! You’re both wrong. I didn’t lose the baby, I didn’t. I couldn’t have.” Tears welled up in his eyes and it was suddenly hard to breath. “No,” he whispered.

Sam started to run his fingers over his forehead and Crowley pulled away. Instant pain shot through his stomach and he hissed. Pain. In his abdomen. Crowley began shaking his head again. No, he couldn’t have lost their baby. All the signs were there but Crowley couldn’t force himself to believe them; didn’t want to believe them.

“Please don’t be upset Pet.”

Crowley turned to glare at Sam. “Don’t be upset?!”

Sam winced slightly. “I’m sorry Pet. You know I’m not good with things like this. I just don’t want you to be upset.”

“Pardons,” the healer interrupted. “I should probably begin working on the damage caused by the loss.”

“In a minute,” Sam growled. “Pet?”

Crowley started to cross his arms only to hiss in pain as his right arm protested. It was then that he finally noticed the splint holding his arm immobile. He stared at it dumbly. His mind recalled the sickening noise he’d heard when one of his attackers had stomped on it. Broken, he thought. His arm was broken. Suddenly his mind decided that was what would matter. For now he would only worry about the physical injuries. Everything else would have to wait. He needed to know about the other injuries. If he could focus on his injuries enough then he wouldn’t have to think about anything else right now.

“What else?” he demanded. “What other injuries?”

“Love-”

“No!” Closing his eyes he worked to control his breathing. “What other injuries?” he repeated.

“Three broken fingers, broken radius, fractured ulna, fractured wrist, five broken ribs, several other bruised ribs, various bruises and lacerations all over and especially to the right side of your face and right eye socket,” the healer recited clearly. 

_And the loss of my baby,_ Crowley thought. _Nope, not going to go there._

“Pet?” Sam questioned hesitantly.

“Do what you must to fix the damage,” Crowley stated still without opening his eyes.

“We really should talk about this,” Sam insisted.

“There is nothing to discuss,” Crowley stated blandly. “I’m injured and he will fix me.”

-

“How are you feeling?” the healer asked.

Crowley shrugged his left shoulder dispassionately and the healer sighed.

“If you’re not going to speak at least tell me off with your right shoulder.”

Sighing heavily Crowley shrugged with his right shoulder. It was awkward and it hurt but he finally managed it. The healer reached out and tested the shoulder with his hands.

“It’s healing well,” he announced.

Crowley didn’t respond.

“You should have full range of movement when it heals fully.”

Still, Crowley didn’t bother to respond.

“I need to inspect your stomach again. Would you like to wait until your Master returns?”

Crowley slowly scooted down the bed. Movement was still difficult for him and probably would be for a while yet. Carefully he leaned back until he was laying flat on the bed. Reaching over with his left hand he pulled at the drawstring on his sweats. He stared at the ceiling as he dropped his hand back to the bed.

“We can still wait if you would feel more comfortable,” the healer offered.

Crowley shook his head slowly. It didn’t matter anymore. What mattered right now was the pain. He was too numb. If he let the healer work on fixing him it would hurt. That kind of pain he could take. In fact he needed just that kind of pain right now. Anything to take his mind off of the chronic numbness that now filled him. The healer pressed his hand lightly against Crowley’s abdomen and went to work. When the pain came Crowley grabbed onto it and wrapped it around himself. Clinging onto the pain he sank into it and used it to banish the last of the complete numbness he otherwise felt.

-

Opening his eyes Crowley stared at the far wall. Usually he didn’t have much of a problem sleeping but sometimes he just couldn’t stay asleep. He waited to understand what had awoken him this time. When he heard voices coming from the living room he rolled his eyes. After the attack he hadn’t had much of a desire to do more than subsist. The healer seemed to think it was his mission to change Crowley’s attitude. Sometimes he would even discuss it with Sam when they thought Crowley was sleeping.

_“It might be better for him were you to spend more time here,” the healer stated._

_“No,” Sam stated simply._

_“If I may be so bold, he did just go through a traumatic experience-”_

_“He’s my slave, his entire life is a traumatic experience,” Sam countered._

_“Be that as it may, he did choose you as a mate.”_

_“What’s your point?”_

_“He chose to be with you because he cares for you. He just recently lost something else he loved. He needs you right now.”_

_“I’m the last thing he needs. I can’t stand to be near him right now. He’s my slave. He should only want me. I should be enough for him. Then he gets pregnant and decides he wants this child as well. I tried to accept that by telling myself he would still be my slave. He would still want me above all. When I see him now all I can see his how much he’s hurting. All I see now is how important someone else was to him. It makes me want to lash out and beat him senseless for wanting another that much. You want to know why I stay away so much? I stay away because I love him and can’t accept him wanting anyone else. I stay away because if I didn’t I would end up killing him!”_

Crowley frowned and tried to figure out how he felt about this. At this point it was hard to feel much through the numbness. Reaching over with his left hand Crowley pressed a finger into the flesh of his right arm. Pain shot up his arm and into his shoulder. Wincing he arched his back reveling in the pain. Yes it hurt but at least he finally felt something.

-

Finally healed he lost the one thing he had left that broke through the numbness. He was going to have to find something else to use. The healer had been right about his shoulder. He did have full rang of motion in it even if it was still a bit stiff. The problem was, he now had no way to break through the numbness that came from the loss of his child. Unable to take sitting around the apartment and doing nothing Crowley wandered the hallways. 

He should probably have stayed in the apartments. Gods knew he would probably catch hell for leaving them but he couldn’t bring himself to care. The consequences for disobeying his Master would be worth it. That is, they would be worth it if his Master even saw fit to return tonight; sometimes he didn’t. If he was punished maybe the pain would help him feel something again. With no set destination he wandered down hallway after hallway inspecting hell for the first time in ages. Most of the demons he passed avoided him like the plague. Pity. He might almost have welcomed a confrontation now. 

-

For two weeks Crowley had gone out everyday to find a demon that would hurt him. For two weeks every demon in hell avoided him. Anytime he would venture close they would either change course or blink away. His Master barely even acknowledge him anymore. Crowley might have tried harder to get his Master’s attention if he thought Sam would punish him. Lately even when his Master came home Sam ignored him. Even if Sam were angry he barely said two words to Crowley. Maybe if he could get Sam mad enough… 

Crowley stopped walking as a thought struck him. Sam’s temper wasn’t good at the best of times. It didn’t take much to anger him. Maybe if he just pushed a little he could break Sam’s control over his temper and get Sam to punish him. Crowley frowned. It was still difficult for him to even think about purposely disobeying his Master. A shiver ran down his spine and Crowley fought to ignore it. Could he actually do it? Could he wilfully defy his Master? Not only that, how badly would Sam hurt him if Crowley managed to do it? In the end that’s what decided him. He desperately needed to feel _something_.


	4. Chapter 4

Sitting on his pallet Crowley watched his Master. Sam was sitting at his desk filling out reports and other paperwork. Crowley bit his lower lip as he watched. Carefully he regulated his breathing trying to center himself. 

“Sir,” Crowley stated quietly.

“No,” Sam replied without looking back to him.

Taking a deep breath Crowley tried again. “Sir.”

“I said no slave,” Sam answered distractedly.

Screwing up his courage he straightened and faced his Master. He was sitting cross legged instead of kneeling. Since he still couldn’t find the courage to make eye contact without permission yet he was carefully eying a spot on the ground just in front of his own knees. “I wish to talk to you,” he said as steadily as possible.

Sam’s hand stopped moving and for a few seconds Sam didn’t move. Finally he turned slowly until he was facing Crowley. Tensing his muscles Crowley adamantly refused to flinch under his Master’s gaze. He had to be strong if he was going to do this. 

“You will shut your mouth or I will shut it for you,” Sam stated in a quiet growl. 

Crowley remained quiet until Sam had turned back to his paperwork. “No.”

The response was almost instant. One second Sam was still facing the desk the next second Crowley was thrown backward and struck the wall hard. Crowley knew enough to know his Master had thrown him backwards with his powers instead of physically this time. Soon though, he thought as pain crept up the back of his skull. Sam always prefered to punish him physically when he earned a punishment. His Master was a very hands on person. When everything was silent for a long while Crowley took a chance and opened his eyes. Sam was standing near the desk glaring at him but not moving.

Suddenly without a word Sam stalked over and grabbed his left arm. Crowley frowned as his Master drug him across the room. This was unexpected. Usually he wasn’t moved before being punished. He was unsure what was happening until they were standing just outside of his closet. Crowley suddenly began shaking his head frantically. If he were locked in his closet instead of being punished there would be nothing to cut through the numbness. As he opened his mouth to plead Sam threw him inside and slammed the door closed.

“No!” Crowley shouted as he began banging on the door. It wouldn’t do any good. There was no way he would be heard outside of the closet, he could barely hear the sound inside. The closet was spelled to muffle any noise. Finally he slumped to the floor defeatedly. Dropping his head he scooted back against the nearest wall and wrapped his arms around himself. He should have known better. Now he had nothing to break into the endless emptiness filling him.

-

As always time dragged. He had no clue how long he lay there curled up on himself before the door opened. Even when the closet was suddenly brightly lit Crowley didn’t bother to move. He remained lying on his side rocking slightly. A person moved to stand in the doorway blocking some of the light and casting a shadow on the far wall.

“Slave?” the healer asked.

Crowley snorted unhappily at the sound of the healer’s voice. Of course it would be the healer and not his Master. Sam had to be in the apartments since he was the only one that was able to open the door but apparently he was still ignoring Crowley. Doesn’t matter, Crowley thought unhappily. It’s not like things could get any worse.

“Crowley?” the healer called again.

Crowley merely shook his head. After a few seconds of silence the healer left taking the shadow on the far wall with him. Crowley continued to rock. Either they would shut the door and lock him in again or he would be drug out and punished. Neither option mattered anymore.

“Slave!” his Master yelled. “Front and center, now!”

Slowly Crowley uncurled and stood. Turning to the door he trudged out of the closet and moved to stand before his Master. “Yes Master,” he answered quietly.

“You will listen to the healer and do exactly what he says,” Sam commanded.

Crowley opened his mouth to agree just as he felt the summoning hit. The shock of it stunned him momentarily. Aside from his Master no one alive should know how to summon him specifically. His head shot up and he locked eyes with his Master. Sam started to move forward as he raised an arm to reach for Crowley. Before Crowley could utter a word the spell ripped him from hell and to whomever was summoning him.

-

Trying to determine where he was Crowley blinked several times. The first thing he noticed was the demon trap. Crowley nearly rolled his eyes. Like he would use his powers without a directly explicit order in the first place? Raising his eyes his breath caught in his throat as he spotted the last two people he ever expected to see again. Castiel and Dean stood just outside of the demon trap watching him intently. 

“What have you done to my brother you son of a bitch?” Dean demanded.

Opening and closing his mouth Crowley began to shake his head as he tried to answer.

“Oh you’re going to tell me what you did to Sam or I’m going to gank you.”

“I’m not… I mean, he’s not… I mean I didn’t…”

“If you don’t spit it out soon I might just gank you anyway,” Dean growled.

Crowley started to try to answer again when suddenly he paused. If there was a chance that Dean would kill him maybe he should take it. At least he wouldn’t have to feel this numb any longer. Taking a deep breath Crowley squared his shoulders. Clamping his mouth shut he refused to answer as he glared at Dean.

“Crowley,” Castiel stated quietly. “Why is your energy so different now?”

Still glowering at Dean Crowley ignored the angel.

“Dean-” Castiel began before Dean interrupted.

“Not now Cass. Where is Sam?” Dean pressed.

“Fuck off Winchester,” Crowley shot back.

“You really do have a death wish don’t you? I swear if you don’t tell me-”

“Dean stop,” Castiel interrupted. “Crowley, why does your energy feel like Sam’s?”

“What?” Dean asked sounding stunned.

Keeping his mouth firmly closed Crowley continued to refuse to answer.

“Tell me you didn’t abduct my brother to use him as your own personal blood bank,” Dean demanded.

“ _I_ did not abduct your brother,” Crowley snarled back defiantly.

“But you are using him for his blood? Is that it?” Dean growled and started forward intent on stabbing Crowley. Castiel reached out and stopped Dean. 

“No, it’s more than that. You literally feel like Sam,” Castiel stated.

Tears threatened to fall as he remembered how loved his Master used to make him feel before everything happened and he lost their baby. Will not break down, he told himself.

“Crowley,” Dean huffed, cutting into his thoughts.

Crowley raised his chin and refused to meet Dean’s eyes. “I didn’t do anything to your brother,” he stated stiffly. It might be hard for him to be defiant towards his Master but Dean wasn’t his Master. “If my energy feels like my M-...” Crowley took a deep breath and began again. “If I feel like your brother then it’s because of his actions, _not_ mine.”

“What was it you were fixing to say Crowley?” Castiel asked. 

“None of your business,” Crowley snapped.

“Crowley were you and Sam…” Castiel hesitated. “I realize this is a fairly delicate question but I really need to know. Were you two ever… together?”

“Excuse you?” Dean broke in interrupting Castiel. “What exactly is that supposed to mean?”

Crowley kept his mouth shut and refused to answer the angel. 

“Were you and he ever together during your needing?” Castiel inquired quietly.

“None of your goddamned business,” Crowley snarled. There was no way he was going to discuss his needing with a bloody angel.

“This is bad,” Castiel stated.

Crowley almost snorted at the remark. Bad didn’t begin to cover it. There was a reason most demons spent their needing time secluded away from others. 

“We have to let him go,” Castiel told Dean.

“Why?” Dean asked.

“Because if Crowley is either in his needing or just finishing it he might be with child. If we keep him from his partner-”

“Excuse you?” Dean said loudly. “Want to explain what you mean by ‘with child'?”

“Demons can only get pregnant during their needing,” Castiel explained.

Crowley growled and crossed his arms. This was not something they generally shared with others. Castiel had no business telling others about any of this. He purposely ignored the twinge of sorrow he felt at having lost his and Sam’s baby. _Not going to think about that, he reminded himself._

“What the hell is a ‘needing’?”

“It’s a term used to describe the few months that occur every fifty years when a demon can actually get pregnant. If Crowley is still in his needing,” Castiel paused and spared a glance over to Crowley who merely glared back at the angel. “Or more then likely just ending it judging by his attitude and reactions, we need to send him back; especially if he’s pregnant. Separating a demon from their partner at any time during their needing period or even just after it is bad. There could be… consequences.”

“I still don’t see how a guy can get pregnant,” Dean answered.

“Gender doesn’t carry over when a person becomes a demon,” Castiel explained. “All demons have the ability to get pregnant during their needing because they’re neither male nor female. If he chose to Crowley could possess a female body. In fact, if what I’ve heard is true most demons choose to change to female vessels if they wish to conceive.” 

Castiel spared another glance to him but Crowley continued to ignore the angel. It was true most demons chose to conceive in a female vessel. Mostly because it was easier to give birth when the time came. It was much more difficult, not to mention painful, for a male vessel to give birth when the time came. Pain, however, didn’t deter Crowley. Pain he could handle. He hadn’t wanted to change vessels only to find that his Master liked the new one better. Finding out that Sam only cared for him because of his vessel would hurt too much. It was the main reason he hadn’t shared that particular knowledge with his Master.

“So is he?” Dean asked.

For a while Castiel inspected Crowley.

“No,” Crowley growled. “For your information I _am not_ pregnant, now would you please kindly fuck off.”

“If you just recently finished your needing it might be too early to tell,” Castiel offered gently.

“Fuck. Off.”

An odd expression crossed Castiel’s face and Crowley glanced away. Gods he really couldn’t do this. He didn’t even want to think about his pregnancy let alone talk about it. It hurt too much too remember. Much better just to ignore it altogether.

“You did conceive.” Castiel whispered. “You conceived but you lost the child didn’t you?”

Crowley couldn’t have spoken even if he had wanted to answer. His throat seemed to constrict as tears filled his eyes. He dropped to his knees and hung his head. A tear slipped out of his eye and slid down his left cheek. He had lost their baby and it was all his fault. He shouldn’t have been out of the apartments that day. He should have been on bed rest. He should have stayed put and not gone out wandering. If he had just stayed in the apartments he wouldn’t have lost their baby and maybe his Master wouldn’t hate the mere sight of him now. 

“We have to send him back Dean.”

Crowley shook his head. “No don’t. He can’t stand to see me anymore. Don’t send me back, he’ll be happier without me there.”

“I have to ask Crowley,” Castiel said softly. “Was it Sam’s?”

Still unable to speak Crowley nodded.

“You slept with Sam?” Dean shouted angrily.

Crowley wrapped his arms around himself as the silent tears continued.

“To be fair, Dean, if Crowley was pregnant it was Sam that slept with him.”

“What’s the fucking difference?”

“In demonic relationships there is no give and take. The roles are clearly defined. The difference tells us who was the more dominant in the relationship. In this case it would appear that would have been Sam.”

“Semantics,” Dean spat out. “How did you trick him into it Crowley, huh?” Dean demanded angrily.

“Didn’t,” Crowley muttered miserably. “His call. I never get a say in it.”

“Wait, what do you mean by you don’t get a say in it?” Castiel asked.

“He’s the Master, it’s his call,” Crowley answered quietly.

“Master?” Castiel pressed.

Crowley nodded.

“Crowley? Are you two… mated?”

Sniffling Crowley nodded again.

“Mated?” Dean asked.

“Mated is more than just them being together. It translates kind of like you would think of as marriage only more binding. If they’re mated and Crowley just finished his needing we can’t keep them separated Dean. It would cause them too much pain, especially if Crowley was recently pregnant.”

“I’m still not sure if I believe he could get pregnant,” Dean asserted skeptically.

“I don’t care what you believe,” Crowley shouted back at Dean. “It was my baby. Mine and my Master’s and I lost it. All my fault,” he mumbled.

“What happened, Crowley?” Castiel questioned quietly.

Crowley shook his head. There was no way he could talk about this to either of them. It still hurt too much. He wanted nothing more than to curl into a ball and disappear. A vaguely irritating feeling started in the pit of his stomach and he ignored it. 

-

The next day the vaguely irritating feeling had morphed to shooting pains. While he was also suffering from withdrawals this was something different. He wasn’t sure what was wrong with him but he also didn’t care. What he did care about was that his Master would also be suffering withdrawals without Crowley there. His Master could be getting blood from another demon Crowley reminded himself. Sadly that thought only depressed him further.

Still in the demon trap Crowley lay on the floor with his head on his hands. With everything that had happened his need for his Master was even more pressing than normal. He lay on the ground with only a blanket Castiel had seen fit to throw over him. Every now and again Dean would ask him where Sam was but Crowley wouldn’t say. Sam was happy ruling hell and Crowley didn’t have it in him to disrupt that. Sharp pains shot through his stomach and he ignored them. His abdomen hadn’t hurt this badly since he’d lost their child. With a small whine he curled up on himself and rocked slightly.

“Crowley?” Castiel asked sounding concerned.

Crowley only ignored the angel.

“We can’t keep him any longer Dean, we have to let him go.”

“Not until he tells me how to find Sam,” Dean argued.

“If Sam and Crowley are truly mated he’ll be experience the same thing. During and for a few months surrounding the needing demons cannot be separated from their mates, especially if they conceive. It causes physical complications.”

“Sam is not a demon,” Dean dissented.

“Demon… blood,” Crowley managed to stammer. 

“You told us you never dosed him with demon blood,” Dean snapped.

Crowley shook his head. “Didn’t. He did.”

“Why in hell would Sam do that?”

“For you,” Crowley managed to say. “Couldn’t… find.”

“Sam used demon blood so he could find Dean?” Castiel asked.

Crowley nodded.

“And that connected you two,” Castiel mused. “So when your needing hit you would have turned to him first.”

“Mated,” Crowley panted. “Before needing.”

“Before?” Castiel asked in surprise.

Again, Crowley nodded. Suddenly it was important for him to make sure the angel knew they’d been mated before his needing. He couldn’t stand for Castiel to think Sam was just someone he had turned to out of convenience. He had to make sure the angel knew that it wasn’t the needing that brought them together. Sam was definitely more than that to him. Sam was his life. Crowley whined softly as a wave of need shot through him. Gods, he should be finished with his needing. Maybe this is what the angel meant when he said they couldn’t be separated too soon after the needing. Gods knew it hurt enough. He desperately needed Sam to fuck him; claim him, anything.

“We can’t keep him here any longer Dean. Not only is it cruel to him Sam will be suffering as well.”

“Demon blood or not Sam’s still human, Cass.”

“As Lucifer’s vessel he’s not an average human. He might actually be able to mate with a demon. If Crowley actually managed to conceive with Sam-”

“Stop. Just stop,” Crowley groaned. He couldn’t take it anymore. Why did they have to keep discussing this in front of him? If they really had to talk about it couldn’t they do it elsewhere? “Stop talking… about my baby.” In pain and completely miserable Crowley rolled to face away from them.

“Crowley, all I want is my brother. If you just tell me where he is I’ll release you and let you go back to hell,” Dean told him.

Crowley shook his head. “No. Not hell. Not safe.”

“Not safe?” Dean questioned.

Crowley shook his head.

“I know where Sam is,” Castiel announced.

“Why didn’t you say something before now,” Dean demanded.

“I didn’t know before now,” Castiel stated.

“Well where is he?”

Castiel knelt down next to him. “Sam’s in hell, isn’t that right Crowley?”

Crowley whimpered.

“That’s why you don’t want to go back to hell isn’t it?”

Crowley grimaced and whimpered once again.

“Cass?” Dean asked.

Castiel turned to look up at Dean. “Crowley and Sam are mated. Crowley conceived then lost the baby. He called Sam Master and is terrified of returning to hell. The demon blood has to have changed Sam otherwise Crowley wouldn’t have gotten pregnant, it just couldn’t have happened if Sam’s DNA hadn’t been altered slightly. For Crowley to have gotten pregnant Sam has to be the more dominant one in their relationship. Judging by Crowley’s reactions here and his reluctance to return to hell Sam must be there.”

“Hates me,” Crowley murmured.

“So we invade hell and kidnap Sam then,” Dean asserted.

“We could but there are safer ways to get things done,” Castiel said cryptically.

If Crowley weren’t in so much pain he might have cared. Danger to his Master was probably the only thing that might have broken through his numb haze of depression. Since he had made sure never to be with anyone during his needings he’d never had to worry about becoming pregnant before. He had, however, seen other pregnant demons. What Castiel said made sense. None of the pregnant demons ever strayed too far from their mates. After the baby was born it didn’t seem to matter how close or far they were from each other. Before that, though, they were all but inseparable. Gods he desperately needed his Master.

-

Crowley felt the energy before the door was even opened. Scrambling as far away as he could from the door he huddled on the far edge of the demon trap and cringed. When the door was opened he wasn’t in the least bit surprised by who walked in but he was terrified. Cain, the father of demons, wasn’t anyone Crowley wanted near under the best of times. Shivers shot through his body as the demon knight entered. Despite everything his energy was still causing him to need his Master. Crowley curled over on himself trying to hide his need. It didn’t matter, as a demon Cain would feel it. The difference in the power levels and Crowley's submissive nature meant that it would be difficult for him to deny the demon knight if Cain ordered Crowley to fuck him.

“Crowley,” Cain acknowledged.

Crowley lifted his head slightly and nodded once not meeting Cain’s eyes. 

Cain moved forward and made one slow circle around the demon trap. “You appear to be right,” Cain stated. “He’s definitely bonded to someone. You truly believe it’s Sam?”

“Yes,” Castiel replied.

“And you say they’re both addicted to the other’s blood?”

“Yes,” Castiel repeated. 

Cain circled him once again. “He is close to his needing,” the demon announced.

Crowley, of course, didn’t need this pronouncement. He knew he had recently finished his needing time. What he didn’t understand was why he still needed his Master this much so long after he was supposed to be finished with the needing. He shifted uncomfortably and continued trying to hide his need. Gods he was horny as fuck. He needed his Master to help.

There was a moment of silence before Cain spoke again. “We’re going to have to move him somewhere more secure then.”

-

Cain strode forward and Crowley cringed away from him. “No! Please no!” When the demon knight was close enough Crowley struck out wildly and clawed at him. He almost managed to catch Cain across the face once but the demon knight grabbed his wrist and restrained him easily. It only caused Crowley to struggled harder. “Don’t! I don’t belong to you! I won’t do it, I won’t!”

“Cain wait,” Castiel stated loudly to be heard over Crowley’s protests. Cain paused and turned to look back at the angel. “This isn’t going to work. Let him go.”

Despite the pain Crowley continued struggling trying to free himself from Cain’s grip.

“We have to move him,” Cain answered.

“Not like this. Let me try.”

After a moment Cain released him and Crowley scrambled away. Finally Cain took several steps away stopped moving. Castiel approached slowly.

“Crowley?”

Crowley, trembling in pain, whimpered still terrified of what the demon knight might want from him.

“No one is going to hurt you okay?”

“I belong to my Master!”

“I know,” Castiel said calmly. “No one here is going to do anything that would get you into trouble with him, okay?”

“I won’t fuck anyone else! I won’t do it!”

It was true enough. He wouldn’t willing accept another without an order from Sam. Gods he needed his Master. For perhaps the first time ever Crowley fully understood why this was called the needing time. As bad as it was suffering through this unmated it was ten times worse when you were mated.

“No one’s going to ask you to do that Crowley. I promise.”

He stared at the angel skeptically before flicking his gaze to Cain briefly.

“He’s not here for anything like that, promise.”

“Don’t want him to touch,” Crowley muttered.

“Then you’re going to have to let me help you. If you let me help you then he won’t have to touch you at all, okay?”

“Demons touch,” Crowley stated quietly. “Demons touch and demons hurt,” Crowley mumbled, curling up on himself.

“Other demons hurt you?” Castiel asked.

Not taking his eyes off of the demon knight Crowley nodded distractedly.

“That’s not going to happen here okay?”

“No touch,” Crowley insisted.

“Do you mind if I touch you?”

Crowley jerked his head around to eye the angel suddenly terrified. Of all the people he worried about hurting him Castiel had been last on that list. He never once thought he would have to worry about the angel raping him. Panic began to flood him once again.

“Shh Crowley. We just want to move you elsewhere, that’s all. No one is going to do anything more than lead you to a new place.”

“I… my Master…” 

“Sh Crowley. No one here is going to touch you like that, I promise you.”

Crowley eyed Castiel carefully. “Promise?” Crowley asked distrustfully.

“I promise,” Castiel repeated.

“He won’t touch?” Crowley asked with another brief glance to the demon knight.

“One of us is going to have to lead you to the new place but it doesn’t have to be him if you’re that uncomfortable.”

Sniffling Crowley searched the angel’s face for any trace of deception. Even not finding any Crowley was still nervous. “Promise?” he asked again skeptically.

“I promise,” Castiel assured him.

“You do it?”

“I can do it if you feel more comfortable around me.”

Crowley nodded once. “‘Kay.”

“We’re going to have to put the demon cuffs on you,” Castiel told him.

Crowley shook his head. “Don’t need,” Crowley disagreed.

“We need to make sure we’re safe too Crowley.”

“Can’t use my powers. Master doesn’t like.”

Castiel and Cain exchanged glances before the angel turned back to him. 

“We still need to make sure you don’t blink away,” Castiel said carefully.

Crowley shook his head sadly. “Nowhere to go. Master hates me.”

The angel exchanged another look with the demon knight. “Can we use them because they would make us feel better?”

Crowley shrugged. When Castiel reach an arm out behind himself Dean approached and handed Castiel the power suppressing demon shackles. Crowley whimpered as another wave of pain shot through him. Gods he couldn’t take much more of this. After he finished locking the shackles onto Crowley’s wrists Castiel stood and took a step back. Crowley shook his head and dropped his eyes to the floor.

“Can’t,” Crowley admitted.

“Sure you can, I broke the trap Crowley.”

Again Crowley shook his head. He whispered, “I can’t stand.”

After a moment a hand appeared just in front of him. Glancing up he double checked that the hand belonged to Castiel. Finally he reached out and took the hand. Castiel helped him stand and Crowley stumbled once before leaning against the angel. It only took a few steps before they realized they weren’t going to get very far this way.

“Crowley?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m going to carry you okay?”

Tiredly Crowley nodded. Soon he felt the weight on his legs lessen. Instead of picking him up and carrying him like his Master used to the angel held Crowley against his side with one arm and lifted him until his feet were off the ground. Crowley didn’t pay any attention to where they were headed. It didn’t matter. If his Master wasn’t summoning him back to hell he couldn’t find it in himself to care. When Castiel laid him on a cot Crowley closed his eyes and did his best not to think about how much he hurt. Gods he needed to be fucked! Stupid needing.


	5. Chapter 5

Crowley’s eyes shot open. The pain was unbearable. He desperately needed to touch himself but he didn’t dare. His Master would be upset. Despite how he felt he had an odd feeling something else had woken him. Frowning Crowley inspected the area. Belatedly he realized he was in a cell with a demon trap covering the floor. Groaning Crowley rolled onto his back and close his eyes. Taking several deep breaths he struggled to reign in the pain. Suddenly he heard a noise on the other side of the room. 

Frowning he reopened his eyes and furrowed his brows. His senses were shouting at him still trying to tell him something. Struggling to sit up he finally quit when he realized he was never going to make it. Rolling back onto his side he glanced across the room he froze. For half of a second he was overjoyed. After that he felt his heart sinking. His Master was in a cell of his own on the opposite side of the room. Sam sat on a cot in his own cell, eyes closed, leaning against the wall, and trembling slightly.

“Master,” he whispered. 

His needs went wildly off the chart and it was a struggle not to reach down and stroke himself. Despite how soft his voice had been Sam’s eyes fluttered open. Sam gave him a weak smile and raised a shaky arm towards Crowley before letting it fall back to his lap. Crowley strained trying to force himself out of his cot and finally succeeded in falling off the cot and onto the floor. Clumsily he crawled to the edge of his cage and reached and arm through the bars. With more than ten feet between them he couldn’t even hope of getting close enough to reaching his Master. Crowley let out a loud whine as he continued trying.

“Hush Pet,” Sam whispered. “It’ll be okay.”

A pained look crossed his Master’s face and Crowley winced in sympathy. Something was wrong. His Master was hurting. He had to find a way to help his Master. Crowley renewed his useless struggles to reach his Master. He had to get to his Master and help him.

“Stop,” Sam whispered.

With another loud whine Crowley stopped. 

“Master?”

“It’s me Pet,” Sam said quietly as his eyes slid closed. “Everything will be fine.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough for you Master.”

“No Pet, it wasn’t you.”

Crowley frowned. “Master?

“You didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t your fault that I pushed you away.”

“I shouldn’t have left the apartments.”

Slowly Sam shook his head. “My fault Pet. I let jealousy get the better of me. I never meant to hurt you.”

“I still shouldn’t have left the apartments. I’m sorry I was stupid and lost the baby.”

A sad smile formed on Sam’s lips and he let out a derisive snort. “I only wanted the baby to make you happy. I never wanted a child, you know that love. When you mourned its loss I was just jealous it meant so much more to you than I.”

“Never more than you. The same maybe but never more,” Crowley assured his Master. “I loved it because it was a part of us both.”

“Pet?” Sam asked quietly.

“Master?”

“Forgive me?”

“I don’t understand,” Crowley stated with a frown. Gods his mind was clouded. He need to be fucked now! Focus, he ordered himself.

Just then the door to the room opened. Dean, Castiel, and Cain entered. The three of them walked halfway to the cages and eyed them silently. Drawing his arm back Crowley turned to face them. 

“Please don’t hurt him. I’ll do anything you want just please don’t hurt him. Hurt me instead,” Crowley begged.

“No,” Sam stated loudly. “Touch one hair on his head and I promise you I will find a way out of here and I will kill you,” Sam threatened.

“Well that’s all very sweet and touching but I don’t think anyone’s getting out of here anytime soon,” Cain drawled.

“Please,” Crowley begged. “I’ll do anything if you just-”

“Do not beg slave,” Sam ordered glaring at the others. “At least, you are not to beg them.”

“Yes Master,” Crowley agreed. Suddenly he frowned. His need to be with his Master still echoing near the surface. Gods he needed to be fucked. “Master?”

“Not now slave. Later.”

“Yes Master.”

Crowley finally relaxed. With his Master here he didn’t have to worry. His Master would take care of everything. If his Master told him it was okay then everything was okay. His Master would never lie to him. Crowley smiled softly as he lay there thinking of his Master.

“If you touch my slave I will kill you,” Sam promised.

“No one is going to hurt anyone,” Castiel began.

“What happened to you Sam,” Dean said before Castiel could continue.

“You left me,” Sam answered coldly. “Crowley is the only person who has never left me.”

“I had to leave Sam. The mark-”

“Doesn’t matter why, it only matters that you left. You left me and Crowley stayed.”

Crowley felt his heart warming. His Master loved him and knew Crowley would never leave on purpose. The sharp pain in his abdomen seemed to ease slightly.

“You think I wanted to leave you?” Dean shot back. “You think it was easy for me to leave you without even getting to say goodbye? You think-”

“Dean don’t,” Castiel broke in. “He won’t hear you right now. He’s going to have to detox before he’ll be able to hear what you’re saying.”

“Crowley,” Cain stated blandly.

“ _You_ leave him alone!” Sam shouted. 

Crowley's smile broadened.

“Peace, I mean no harm to your demon. I only wanted to ask how he was feeling.”

Crowley frowned at that comment. How was he feeling? He cocked his head slightly as he pondered the question. He still hurt, withdrawals still wracked his body, he still needed to be fucked, and some unknown pain still shot through his abdomen. He lowered his eyebrows and thought about that. With sudden clarity he realized it wasn’t quite that unknown. The pain shot through exactly where his baby rested when he’d been pregnant. _“During the needing and for a few months surrounding it demons cannot be separated from their mates, especially if they conceive.”_

“Master? May I ask Castiel a question?”

“Why?” Sam inquired instantly, sounding slightly hurt.

He stifled a whine. He hadn’t meant to hurt his Master. “He said something and I would like more clarification, that’s all.” Oh gods he didn’t want to hurt his Master but what choice did he have otherwise? He needed to know what Castiel had meant.

“Ask then,” Sam acquiesced.

Opening his eyes Crowley turned to face Castiel. “I’ve never been with another during a needing time so I’ve never been pregnant. What did you mean when you said mates shouldn’t be separated after a needing especially if they conceive?”

Castiel and Cain shared a look before the angel turned back to Crowley. “As Cain is a demon he might be able to provide better insight than I,” Castiel said quietly.

“I would prefer if you explained it please,” Crowley told him.

“As far as I understand it when mated demon enters their needing they feel it more keenly than if they were unmated. Since this is your first needing as a mated demon you might be the best judge of that.”

Crowley merely nodded and continued watching the angel.

“I would assume that since mated demons feel it more strongly than unmated demons it might take longer for the effects to fully fade. Also, if a demon conceives the child will draw energy from both parents as it grows,” Castiel stated with a look to Cain. The demon knight nodded once and Castiel continued. “Since the child draws energy from both parents separating them for too long before the child is born is unwise. The child would be unable to draw energy from the second parent. I’m not sure what happens if the demon miscarries but judging by your reaction I’m assuming the energy continues to stay connected for a while longer.”

“It does,” Cain agreed. “It won’t last as long if you lose the child ahead of time but the body still needs time to adjust to no longer needing the extra energy. Eventually the energy will realize that a connection is no longer required and everything will return to normal.”

“Hurts,” Crowley whispered.

“I’m sure it does little one,” Cain agreed. “It will pass. Tell me, does it feel any better now that your mate is closer?”

As he mentally felt at the pain stabbing through him a small whine escaped his throat.

“Pet?” Sam asked immediately.

“‘S’fine Master. Still hurts but yes, better.”

“It’ll continue to get better little one. Have patience,” Cain soothed.

“Mine,” Sam growled.

“Mm yes,” Crowley agreed. “All yours Master.”

“Crowley?” Sam asked.

“Yes Master?” Crowley replied as he winced at his Master using his given name.

“You stopped calling me Sir. Why is that?”

“Sir is more… personal. When you withdrew you stopped calling me Pet. I didn’t want to assume anything. I was sure you hated me. It just didn’t feel right to use Sir any longer to a Master that hated me.”

“Would it please you to call me Sir again?”

“Yes Master.”

“It would please me as well Pet.”

Crowley grinned. “Thank you Sir.”

“Damn it Sam, what the hell happened to you?” Dean snapped.

“Dean,” Castiel chastised. “They’re mated, the protectiveness is to be expected. We’re not going to resolve anything by disparaging their relationship.”

“This isn’t Sam,” Dean argued.

“It is now. We need to be more accepting, at least for now.”

“How do we fix it, break them up or whatever.”

Crowley whimpered at the thought. Sam stood and rushed to edge of the cage. Gripping the bars he snarled loudly at the others. “I dare you to try,” he growled. 

“Master,” Crowley called out.

“Hush Pet, I won’t let that happen.”

“Yes Sir,” Crowley whispered.

“We’re not trying to terminate your relationship,” Castiel countered carefully.

“Try it and you’re dead,” Sam hissed.

“Dean just didn’t think before he spoke, Sam. That’s all. If we were trying to break you two apart we wouldn’t have put you two in the same room.”

“You will move him to my cell now,” Sam demanded.

Crowley’s head lifted hopefully.

“We can’t do that Sam,” Castiel answered. “We need to work on your addictions.”

“That is between my slave and I,” Sam growled.

Castiel nodded thoughtfully and Crowley whimpered again as he curled in on himself.

“I think we should leave for now,” Castiel said quietly.

-

“Crowley?”

At the use of his given name Crowley whined loudly. He had only just gotten his Master back. Was he already in trouble? “Sir,” Crowley answered obediently.

“I’m sorry Pet, I forgot you don’t like it when I use your name.”

“You only use it when I’m in trouble, Sir. When you use it now I just… get scared. I’m sorry I’m insecure Master.”

“It’s alright baby. Pet? Can you move closer?”

Crowley turned to face his Master. Sam was sitting on the floor at the edge of the cell closest to his. Crowley moved until he was pressed against the bars of his own cell. Sam reached a hand through the bars on his cell and Crowley reached out his own hand but it wasn’t enough for them to touch. There was still more than five feet separating them and it was almost unbearable. Crowley strained harder trying to inch as close as possible. 

“I love you Pet,” Sam whispered.

“I love you too Sir,” Crowley whispered back.

“Don’t ever doubt that, okay?”

“I’ll try Sir,” Crowley answered as honestly as he could.

Sam nodded and laid down. He rested his head on the arm still reaching through the bars towards Crowley. Crowley shifted closer pressing himself against the bars and continued reaching out for his Sam as well. Gods he needed his Sir to pet him. If he could even just touch his Sir that would help. As he watched he noted the small tremors that were shaking his Sir’s body. Not having received an injection for more than two days himself Crowley understood exactly how his Master felt.

-

The door opened and Crowley’s head turned instantly to see who was here. When he spotted the angel and no one else relief flooded him. Scrambling as fast as he could Crowley moved to the front of his cell and gripped the bars to stay upright. 

“Please,” he begged the angel. “Please let me help him. He needs blood!”

“Crowley.” Though Sam growled his name his voice was quiet and pained. Crowley turned apprehensively to his Master and waited. “Don’t… beg.”

“Please Master, you need blood! I just want-”

“Tone slave,” Sam murmured.

“I’m sorry Sir. Please Master you do need blood.”

“Do not… beg them.”

“Yes Sir,” Crowley answered quietly. 

Turning back to Castiel Crowley eyed him pleadingly. Castiel shook his head sadly and Crowley had to work to stifle a whine. Carefully he laid back down and returned to keeping watch over his Master. Desperate for blood himself Crowley understood exactly what his Master was experiencing. He would give anything to be able to spare his Sir this agony. Maneuvering his arm through the bars again he reached out towards his Master.

“Hush Pet,” Sam whispered. “Everything will be alright.”

-

Cold. Bitter, stinging, icy, intense, freezing, biting, bone gnawing, cold. Crowley wrapped his right arm around himself as he lay with his left arm still reaching towards his Master. Sam was still lying near the edge of his cell closest to Crowley but both of his Master’s arms were wrapped around himself. Crowley did his best not to whine or make any other noise. His Master might feel the need to comfort him and Crowley would feel guilty. His Master needed to focus on himself not an unworthy slave that couldn’t stop himself from being abducted. Still, it hurt. Gods he wished his Master could pet him. Even one small touch would help. 

-

“Slave!”

Crowley’s eyes shot open at the sound of his Master’s voice. Doing his best he tried to struggle to his knees but he kept falling over. Finally he reached out and grabbed the bars to help hold himself upright. 

“Slave!” Sam demanded.

Sniffling Crowley nodded frantically as he finally pulled himself to his knees. “Yes Sir?”

“Blood, now!”

Crowley whined in frustration. Given his own situation he understood his Master’s desperation well. He would gladly have sliced his own wrists open if that would have helped. The problem was his Sir was too far away. There was no way he would ever be able to get the blood to his Master. 

“Castiel!” Crowley yelled. “Castiel!”

The door to the dungeon opened and Crowley flinched. Instead of the angel it was the demon knight that entered. Still, his Master needed him and he couldn’t back down in fear when it came to his Master. “Please,” Crowley begged. “Please, he needs blood. I can give it if you take it to him. Please!”

“No, little one.”

“Please!”

“It is better this way. You will have to trust me.”

“Damn you!” Crowley shouted. “He needs blood!”

“Crowley,” Sam growled.

“I’m sorry Sir,” Crowley muttered. “I’m just worried about you.”

“Well stop,” Sam commanded. “They are not worthy of your begging.”

“Yes Sir,” Crowley answered automatically. In spite of everything he would always defer to his Sir. No matter how much he had to beg, plead, or debase himself he would do his best to provide for his Master but if his Master forbid it he couldn’t disobey.

“Crowley,” Cain stated cautiously.

“No. I want my Master!”

“Crowley,” Sam shouted.

Crowley ducked his head in shame. “Please?”

“Crowley,” Sam repeated the growl in his voice deepening.

“Nevermind. I’m in the wrong. I’m sorry, please ignore me.”

Cain eyed them both before approaching Crowley’s cell. 

“Slave?” Cain asked cocking an eyebrow.

“No, not your slave! Not yours!”

“Crowley calm down,” Cain ordered.

“No! I belong to my Master, not you! No please! Master?!”

“Crowley stop,” Sam ordered.

Crowley froze. Sam laughed loudly and Crowley ducked his head. 

“I told you he was mine,” Sam smirked. 

“Master please, I need you!”

“I’m here baby, I’m here.”

“You misunderstand what I was asking,” Cain stated evenly.

“I want my Master!” Crowley shouted. “Please!”

“I cannot provide that little one.”

“Please!”

“Crowley!” Sam shouted.

Crowley sniffled. “Sir?”

“Do. Not. Beg.”

“Sir please! You need blood. I would give anything-”

“No!” Sam yelled.

Crowley sniffled once again. “Yes Sir,” he replied.

The demon knight made his way over to his Master’s cage. Crowley panicked. “Sir?!”

“Not your… business Pet,” Sam panted.

Curling into a ball Crowley whimpered.

“If you truly wish your pet to hurt less you will let go of your addiction,” Cain stated bluntly.

“Mine,” Sam snarled.

“So you wish him to hurt?” Cain asked offhandedly.

“Fuck off, you know I don’t!”

“Then set an example. He will already have a difficult time.”

“Leave him alone!” Crowley shouted. If he could draw the demon knight’s ire to him then he might be able to spare his Sir.

“Shut your mouth slave,” his Master ordered.

“Please? He needs blood,” Crowley whispered.

“If you beg one more time I will never speak to you again,” Sam stated.

Crowley gave a loud whine at the command before clamping his jaw shut. He absolutely hated it when Sam would take the blame for him. If he was in the wrong he could deal with the consequences. It was no more than he deserved. On the other hand he would never go against his Sir’s wishes. Crowley let out another loud whine but reigned in his emotions. He had to control himself. Sam was his life. If Sam ever decided to completely ignore him Crowley wasn’t sure if he could deal with it. He needed to control his emotions better.

-

For more than two weeks Crowley was wracked with withdrawals and his need to appease his Master. Most of the time Sam was aware of being a prisoner. Sometimes, however, he forgot and demanded Crowley either fuck him or give him blood or both. Those were the times Crowley almost couldn’t stand himself. He would love nothing more than to please his Master, he just couldn’t. After a week and a half Crowley was almost clean of his addiction. Sam was still slightly addicted but not nearly as much. 

Most of the time they lay on the floor reaching towards each other. Even when Sam was lost in the withdrawals Crowley continued to reach towards his Master. Occasionally one of the other three would visit them but Crowley paid them no mind. Most often it was Castiel checking in on them but sometimes it was Dean. Cain seemed to keep his distance and Crowley was grateful for that. Dean would sometimes approach and even yell at him. Dean’s visits were the ones Crowley disliked like the most. Dean was his Sir’s brother; his Sir’s family. Crowley was always worried when Dean would visit them. What if Sam remembered and wanted Dean more than he wanted his slave?

“Sir?” Crowley asked tentatively. 

“Shut up slave,” Sam demanded. 

His Sir was always angry these days. Crowley clamped his jaw shut and waited. Drawing his attention wasn’t usually good but Crowley couldn’t stand to feel alone. He almost prefered being yelled at to his Master’s silence.

“You let this happen!”

Crowley didn’t reply.

“This is your fault. This is… is…”

“My fault Sir,” Crowley replied dutifully.

“Damn straight,” Sam agreed.

-

“Sir?” Crowley asked tentatively

“Don’t,” Sam replied immediately.

Crowley suppressed his emotions as his love continued to pace his cell. 

“Castiel!” Sam shouted. “Castiel!”

Before the door opened Crowley knew the person wasn’t the angel. Cain opened the door and strode forward until he stood between the cages. 

“Yes?”

“I didn’t ask for you.”

“Still I’m here. What is it you needed?”

“Not you,” Sam growled. 

“And yet, still I’m here,” Cain stated blandly. “You really hate your sub don’t you?”

“Shut your mouth. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I know he defers to you,” Cain said off-handedly.

Crowley whined and his Sir gave him the briefest of looks. “He shouldn’t,” Sam answered quietly.

“Sir?” Crowley asked confused by the remark.

“No. You’re your own person, be that,” Sam ordered.

Crowley furrowed his brows. He had no clue how to respond. He was too used to responding to his Master deferentially to do so otherwise now. “Sir?”

“I do believe he wishes you to make your own choices,” Cain answered.

“You leave him alone,” Sam growled. “Crowley?”

“Sir?” Crowley repeated ducking his head. Clear of his blood addiction Crowley was still feeling oddly docile and he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. “Are you… I mean…”

“Yes?” Sam asked.

Crowley ducked his head. “Sir? I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Sam answered. “Be whatever you need to be baby. Please?”

“I don’t understand that Sir,” Crowley whispered.

“Be yourself baby. Please?”

“I don’t know how,” Crowley admitted.

“My fault. I’m sorry baby.”

“Not your fault Sir.”

“Yes it is. Crowley?”

“Yes?”

“Can you call me Sam?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Sam,” Sam reminded him.

“Yes Sam,” Crowley answered automatically.

-

The demon knight approached him and Crowley flinched backwards. When Cain unlocked the cell door Crowley should have been ecstatic. He wasn’t. Sam was still trapped in his own cell. With the addiction broken his mind was more clear than it had been in ages. He remembered everything but the need to subjugate himself was not nearly as strong as it had been before. Turning he eyed Sam still trapped in a cell. He should feel angry about the things he’d suffered at Sam’s hands but he couldn’t. He still loved his Sam; needed him.

“Free Sam,” Crowley demanded.

“Okay,” Cain acknowledged. Crowley frowned. Was he really supposed to trust the demon knight? Suddenly Cain unlocked Sam’s cell. 

“Sir?” Crowley asked cautiously. 

“Hush for now,” Sam stated. 

Crowley hushed.

“Why are you releasing me?” Sam demanded. 

“You’re clean now. You pose no threat to the demon.”

“He has a name,” Sam drawled.

“Not to me he doesn’t,” Cain extrapolated. “He is merely another demon.”

“Not to me he’s not,” Sam replied.

Cain merely eyed Sam silently for several moments before turning to Crowley. “Come demon,” Cain ordered. 

Crowley glanced between Cain and Sam. He really didn’t want to do anything that might anger the demon knight but it was still too ingrained in him to defer to Sam. “Sam?”

“Go,” Sam ordered without even looking over to him.

Dropping his head Crowley followed Cain out of the dungeon.

-

Crowley wasn’t sure what the demon knight could want with him but he was sure that whatever it was couldn’t be pleasant. As Cain led him through the living area and upstairs his curiosity deepened. When they stopped in front of a door and Cain opened it revealing a bedroom Crowley’s anxiety spiked and he took a step back.

“I won’t do it,” Crowley insisted. “I’ll fight you before I let you take me like that. I don’t care if you kill me, I’ll still fight you!”

Cain crossed his arms and cocked an eyebrow. “As I’ve already told you, you’re really not my type,” Cain replied blandly. “Now get inside.”

“No. How do I know you’re not going to try anything? How do I know this isn’t just some trick to get me to lower my guard?”

“I wouldn’t need to trick you with false assurances little one,” Cain growled. “If I wanted to take advantage of you there is little you could do to stop me.” He emphasized his point by striking out with his powers and pinning Crowley to the wall. 

Crowley struggled halfheartedly before giving up and slumping into the hold. After a few seconds Cain withdrew his powers. Crowley eyed the demon knight mistrustful. Yes, he would fight it if Cain tried anything but Cain was right. There was very little Crowley could do to stop the demon knight. Flicking his gaze to the room he eyed it suspiciously for several seconds before turning back to Cain. 

“Then why the bedroom?” Crowley forced himself to ask defiantly.

“Because the angel thought it might be more comfortable than the dungeon,” Cain answered shrugging a shoulder. 

Cautiously Crowley made his way into the room. When he was finally inside the room he stood, tense and waiting, with his back to the demon knight. He almost jumped when he heard the door behind him close. Jerking his head around Crowley sighed in relief when he didn’t see the demon knight anywhere. Maybe Cain had been telling the truth. Maybe he really wasn’t going to try to force Crowley into anything. He finally allowed himself to relax.

His mind drifted to Sam. Now that he was no longer addicted to the blood his mind was more clear. He should be pissed at the things Sam had done to him. To be fair he was angry about everything but it was hard to reconcile that with how he still felt about Sam. Despite everything he did still love Sam. Maybe it was because they were mated? Making his way to the only chair in the room Crowley sat down. Propping his elbows on the desk he dropped his head into his hands and closed his eyes. Gods he didn’t know what to do now. As much as he loved his Sam he really didn’t want to go back to the way things were. 

-

He had no clue how long he sat there contemplating his relationship with Sam before there was a knock on his door. He spared a moment of time to check the energy. Not feeling any demonic energy or Grace he guessed the visitor to be Dean as Sam would more than likely not have knocked. Crowley rolled his eyes. Now what, he thought as he stood and walked to the door. Placing his hand on the doorknob he hesitated slightly. When the knock sounded again slightly louder Crowley rolled his eyes and finally opened the door. As suspected the visitor was the older Winchester.

“Yeah, uh, I just figured… you know… here,” Dean stated holding out a small pile of clothing he’d been carrying.

Crowley eyed the clothing for a while before looking back up to Dean blankly. He wasn’t stupid. He knew Dean wanted him to take the clothes and get dressed. It was just he didn’t know how he felt about it. Normally it wasn’t his decision on whether or not to wear clothes. Normally it was Sam either ordering him dressed or undressed. Part of him wanted to refuse the clothing because his ‘Master’ hadn’t ordered him to get dressed. Yet another part of him wanted to snatch the clothing and dress solely because Sam might not approve of it. Crowley was at a loss on how to proceed.

“Crowley,” Dean growled loudly.

Shaking his head to clear it Crowley reached out and took the clothes. Holding them close he hesitated. “Can you ask Sam to visit please?” he asked without meeting Dean’s eyes.

“You really think I want you anywhere near my brother?”

“I can’t change overnight Dean. I’m not used to… taking initiative. I… I still kind of need him,” Crowley admitted still not meeting Dean’s eyes. “Just ask him please?”

“Fine, but I’m not making any promises,” Dean said as he turned and stalked back down the hallway.

Taking the clothes with him Crowley crossed the room again back to the chair and slumped down onto it. Placing the clothes on desk he glowered at them. He should put them on just because he was uncomfortable being naked in front of the others. Gripping the shirt he unfolded it, held it up, and looked at it skeptically. Inhaling deeply he steeled himself and quickly slipped the shirt over his arms and pulled it over his head. He paused with the shirt on trying to figure out how he felt when there was another knock at his door. 

Frowning Crowley tested the energy and didn’t feel anything. Probably Dean again, Crowley thought annoyed. Vaguely he wondered if Dean would leave if he refused to answer the door. Probably not Crowley decided. With a sigh Crowley stood and made his way back across the room to the door. Opening it he froze. As his eyes landed on Sam his brain shut down. He couldn’t cope with the emotions flooding him. His lower lip began to tremble as he stared at his former Master and tormenter. 

“S- S- Sir,” Crowley whispered brokenly wrapping his arms around himself.

“Baby? What is it? What’s wrong?”

“Scared,” Crowley said before he had time to think about it. He realized how true it was as soon as the word left his mouth. It was more than the clothes. Yes he was scared of dressing without permission but he was also scared of so much more. He was scared of doing the wrong thing, he was scared of saying the wrong thing, he was scared of being hurt, he was scared of not knowing his place, and he was terrified of losing Sam. “Sir?”

“No baby, no. Call me Sam?”

Crowley nodded. “Sam,” he murmured.

“Baby? Can I… Do you mind… if I… uh, if I…”

Unable to speak Crowley let out a questioning sound. 

“If it’s not too, um, unwanted now I’d like to hold you,” Sam whispered.

Gods he needed Sam to hold him. Crowley nodded desperately. Before he could even finish nodding he was wrapped in Sam’s arms. Sam pulled him close and nuzzled against his neck. Sam began murmuring soft reassurances and Crowley broke. He burst into tears as he collapsed against Sam.

“Sh baby, it’s alright. Baby? What’s wrong, what can I do to fix it?”

Crowley shook his head. “Scared,” he repeated.

“Of what? Is it Cain? Cass?”

Crowley shook his head again. “You,” he whimpered.

Sam’s hand stopped moving and Crowley trembled harder, sure he’d said the wrong thing.

“Baby?”

“Sam?” Crowley whispered in response.

“I can change. I can be different. I know it won’t be easy but I want to try if… if you can forgive me.”

Stunned, Crowley stopped trembling out of mere shock. Raising his head he met Sam’s eyes and stared. “Forgive?”

Sam averted his eyes.

“Sam?”

“I’m… sorry,” Sam whispered still not meeting Crowley’s eyes.

He had no clue how to respond. Sam had never apologized to him before. Not even before Sam had abducted him in a last ditch effort to find Dean. As Crowley struggled for words Sam’s eyes flitted back to his before glancing away again.

“I hurt you. I did things… things that were completely unacceptable,” Sam stated, biting out the words. “There’s no reason you should forgive me.” Sam’s hands fell away as he spoke and he took a step back. “Nevermind, I can’t ask that. I am sorry though.”

“Are you mad at me now?” Crowley asked quietly.

“I’m mad at myself love.” With a shaky sigh Sam ran a hand through his hair. “I did so many horrible things to you, I can’t ask for forgiveness. You have every right to hate me.”

“I don’t,” Crowley said instantly. “I’m just…” Without moving his head Sam glance up and finally met Crowley’s eyes. The end result was Sam looking upward, deferentially toward him and it made Crowley feel nervous. “I still love you,” Crowley mumbled. “I’m just confused. I love you and I don’t want to lose you but I can’t go back to how things were.”

“You don’t hate me?” Sam asked slowly.

When Sam asked if he hated him now Crowley saw something he hadn’t seen in Sam’s eyes in a long time. He hadn’t realized it until just now but this was the first time in many, many, years that he’d actually seen a spark in Sam’s eyes. Immediately after Sam had abducted him decades ago was the last time he could remember seeing that spark. Back then it had been hope for finding Dean. Did that mean this time it was hope for mending their relationship? If Sam really did still care for him he had to know.

“No Sam, I don’t hate you.” Was that relief in his Sam’s eyes? “Sam? Stay here tonight please. I don’t mean for sex. We can just lie together and hold each other; just snuggle for a while, please?”

The spark fled and Sam finally dropped his eyes back to the ground. “I can’t baby. I don’t want to hurt you again. Right now I don’t trust myself around you and you shouldn’t trust me either. I can’t take the chance that I’ll hurt you again. I think we should stay in separate rooms for now. ” 

Slowly Sam lifted a hand and reached for Crowley’s face. As Crowley leaned forward slightly Sam stopped just short of touching his cheek. Just as slowly, the hand fell. Turning silently Sam exited the room and closed the door. With a sound that threatened to break his heart the door clicked shut.


	6. Chapter 6

Double checking the recipe Crowley assured himself he was doing this right. He’d never had too much experience with cooking before. When Sam had abducted him he hadn’t been allowed out of the demon trap. When he was finally released he had cooked for a while but never well. On the off chance Sam had wanted to eat he would usually conjure his own food. It had been nearly two weeks since Sam insisted they keep different rooms and in that time they’d barely said two words to each other. With Sam’s recent attitude Crowley decided that maybe actually cooking for his love would help reinforce how he felt. As Sam’s favorite dish was spaghetti he was finishing the sauce and getting ready to put the noodles in the water when he heard the voices from the hallway nearby. 

_“Damn it Cain, he’s not your’s!” Dean shouted._

_Cain let out a loud laugh. “That’s the truth of it isn’t it,” Cain guffawed. “I’d never have left him to fend on his own. If he were mine I’d take him as often as possible during this time.”_

_“Step off. Demon knight or not, I’ll kill you if you hurt him or my brother!” Dean shouted._

_“Pfft. Your brother hurts himself enough for the lot of us I dare say,” Cain answered._

_“Yeah well, you’re not here to worry about my brother. You’re here in case Crowley needs anything and-”_

_“Both of you need to shut up,” Sam growled, suddenly entering the conversation._

_“Sam!” Dean exclaimed. “Hey, you know what? We haven’t done anything since I’ve been back. We should do something. Maybe we should go on a hunt or-”_

_“No!” Sam shouted._

For a few seconds there was only silence and Crowley strained his ears to hear the next person talking.

_“I’m not hunting anymore,” Sam said so quietly Crowley almost missed it._

_“Sam-” Dean began before he was interrupted._

_“I said no. I’m not hunting anymore Dean. I’ve already hurt enough people. I need to make things right first. I need to atone for everything I’ve done, especially to Crowley.”_

_“I know you Sam. There’s nothing you could have done to Crowley that was so horrible you would need-”_

_“You don’t know anything about me anymore. I’m not the person you remember. You don’t know half of the things I’ve done to Crowley. If you knew…”_

Crowley frowned. He really didn’t like the tone in Sam’s voice.

_“I know you Sam,” Dean said quietly._

_“No, you really don’t. I keep trying to tell you but you aren’t listening. You have no idea how much I hurt him! You have no clue what I was like. You don’t know half of the things I did to him when I was addicted to demon blood.”_

Crowley’s frown deepened. It was true Sam was completely, extremely, painfully, abusive on demon blood but he wasn’t addicted any longer. While Crowley differentiated between the two Sams, it would seem that Sam did not. The two of them were vastly different people as far as he was concerned.

_“I know you, Sam. There’s just no way-”_

_“You don’t know anything. Give it up, I’m not worth saving! I deserve to be punished for what I did to everyone, especially Crowley!”_

After more than two weeks of this Crowley had had enough. His Sam shouldn’t be blaming himself for things he’d had no control over. His Sam had always loved him. His Sam had done everything to protect him. His Sam had never thrown him away even when he’d deserved it as he had so many other demons. True, under the influence of demon blood Sam had been more aggressive than Crowley had liked but that was “addicted” Sam, not normal Sam. Crowley snapped and stormed out of the kitchen.

“Don’t you dare!” he shouted. “Don’t you dare make this about me! I’d have died for you and you know it! I still would! You’re so bloody worried about not having ‘enough’ humanity! If you were as far gone as you feared you’d have killed me and never thought twice!”

“Crowley-” Sam began.

“No! Don’t you dare make this about me. We all know it’s about you! You can’t handle the things you did so you, what, feel the need to atone? Guess what, we all do! Get your head out of your bloody arse! You’ll know you finally succeeded when you hear a loud pop!” he shouted before storming out of the room and up the stairs.

As he stormed up the stairs he could feel his resolve wavering. As he moved further down the hallway he could feel his anger ebbing. When he flung his door open and strode inside he felt the last of his ire seep away. When he slammed the door shut he stood there, mere feet in front of his bedroom door, shivering. Had he really just yelled at his Sam? He couldn’t have stopped himself if he’d tried. Crowley moved to the corner of the room, laid down, and curled up into as small of a ball as he could make himself. Hell he hurt. Sam was his life. What if Sam hated him now? What if he lost his Sam because he couldn’t keep his stupid mouth shut?

The door to his room flew open and Sam stood menacingly in the doorway. Crowley shivered and curled up more tightly. He deserved to be punished for his actions. He had defied his Master. Sam would be justified in hurting him. And yet… In spite of everything, he knew somewhere he didn’t deserve to be hurt for defying Sam. As he shook that thought away Sam merely stood in the doorway inspecting him. 

_‘No!’_ Crowley’s mind screamed. _‘Punish me!’_ Crowley frowned at the thought. He didn’t deserve to be punished for what he’d done.

For several moments Sam stood in the doorway, unmoving. Crowley wrapped his arms around himself and rocked. Before he could even understand what was happening Sam had strode forward and dropped to his knees. Without a word Sam reached out and wrapped his arms around Crowley. Crowley turned his face to look up at his Sir. Sam buried his face in Crowley’s chest and snuggled against him. 

“God baby, I’m so sorry,” Sam murmured. Unable to stop himself Crowley began blurting out why _he_ was sorry. He mumbled his apologies for yelling, for telling his Sir off, for his language, for everything. Surprisingly, instead of punishing him Sam comforted him. Crowley was unsure what to do with this new development. 

“Baby? Tell me what to do. Tell me how to make this right.”

“I can’t,” Crowley whined. “I just… I just love you! Please Sir, Sam, I mean, I meant Sam. Please, don’t make me leave you!”

“Sh baby, it’s alright, I know what you meant. Please don’t be upset.”

Unable to reconcile his emotions with Sam’s words Crowley merely sobbed louder.

“Oh Pet,” Sam murmured softly. “Please tell me how to fix it. How do I make this better?”

“Stop it!” Crowley demanded. “Stop being nice! It’s not you!” The door to the bedroom opened but Crowley paid it no mind. “Please! Stop being nice to me!”

Sam was silent for so long Crowley thought he might not answer. All of a sudden Sam finally spoke. “No, baby. You don’t beg anyone anymore, least of all me. God baby, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Please? I’m sorry but please don’t beg me?”

“Sam,” Dean said quietly.

Sam growled loudly. “Not. Now. Dean.” Sam grumbled. 

“Is everything…” Dean trailed off.

“No,” Sam answered tersely. “Of course everything’s not fucking alright. If you want to talk to me fine but later. Right now I need to take care of Crowley.”

For a while no one spoke. Finally Crowley heard the sound of the door being closed quietly. For the first time in weeks he and Sam were finally alone together.

“Damn it. I’m sorry Crowley, I was trying to keep from upsetting you farther. That's why I was keeping my distance. That's why I wanted separate rooms. I didn’t mean to hurt you baby. Tell me how to help you Crowley.”

“Mate,” Crowley sniffled. “Please Master, call me your mate just once?” Crowley tensed in terror, wondering if his Sir might punish him for the request. Instead of punishment Sam only held him more tightly. 

“Mate,” Sam repeated. “God mate, please don’t be upset?”

The way his Sir was stroking his flank was distracting. It felt nice. It had been so long since Sam had pet him let alone touched him. Crowley frowned. His Sir shouldn’t have to deal with an unworthy slave but then, he wasn’t a slave any longer was he? Crowley whined feeling completely vexed. His Sir shouldn’t be comforting him. It made him nervous to have Sam soothe him now after everything they’d been through.

“Shh baby, it’s alright.”

The heavens help him he believed Sam. Everything would be alright no matter what, if only because Sam so said so. If his Sir said it would be alright then it would be alright. Still… It hurt that Sam hadn’t wanted to be near him lately. It felt as if his Sam didn’t love him any more.

“Baby? What’s wrong?”

Unable to stop himself Crowley blurted out a response, “You don’t love me!” Crowley shouted before ducking his head in shame. There was a long spate of silence before Sam answered. When he finally spoke Crowley couldn’t believe what he was hearing. 

“I do love you Crowley,” Sam whispered. “I’m so sorry for not showing it well enough. I didn’t mean to give you cause to doubt that. I only wanted to make up for the pain that you suffered at my hands. With everything I’ve done to you I didn’t want to take a chance I might accidentally hurt you again. I didn’t want to be alone with you because I didn’t trust myself. I love you so much I couldn’t stand the thought of hurting you again even if only accidentally. I wish there was some way I could fix it but I don’t know how. Please, baby, forgive me?”

“You don’t understand do you?” Crowley asked.

“No I don’t baby. Help me understand it please?”

“I need you. When you pull away I can’t help but think you don’t love me. Pulling away from me only makes things worse Sir.”

“Sam,” Sam instructed. “It’s always Sam to you, never Sir. Okay?”

“I can’t,” Crowley insisted. “At least not right now, please?”

“Shush baby. It’s fine. Whatever you can do is perfect. Please don’t hurt baby. I do love you. Please don’t hurt for me?”

“It’s your fault!” Crowley shouted suddenly.

“Yes love, I accept that.”

“Stop it!” Crowley ordered still shouting. “Stop being so nice!”

“But… I just-”

“Give me an order! Tell me what to do!”

“I can’t do that love,” Sam said sadly.

“I’m sorry!” Crowley sobbed. “I’m sorry, please forgive me!”

“No baby, you don’t need to be forgiven. Whatever happened was my fault. There’s nothing to forgive you for, it’s me that needs to be forgiven. Tell me what I can do to make this better, love.”

Crowley shook his head. He was overreacting and he knew it but he just couldn’t seem to stop himself. More than two weeks of anguish and worry over Sam’s self imposed cautious distance finally came spilling out as Sam held him. If Sam was going to insist on continuing to maintain their careful distance there was nothing that could be done to make anything right. He needed his Sam; needed to be with him, to be near him, to be held. 

“Love?” Sam asked softly. 

“Take me,” Crowley blurted. “Please I need you. Say that we can have sex,” he insisted looking hopefully to Sam.

“Crowley, I… I don’t know if…”

“Please,” Crowley begged. “We haven’t been together since…” He shook his head to chase away the unwanted memory of losing their child. “Well it’s been a long time. Please Sam say that we can be together.”

“Every time we’ve been together before it was always… unnecessarily rough,” Sam finished in a whisper.

“That was when you were under the influence Sam. You’re clean now. It’ll be different this time. Please Sam, I need this.”

“I’m not sure. If I hurt you again-”

“You won’t,” Crowley insisted. “You want to help? You want to make things right? You want to show me how much you care? Then have sex with me!”

“Crowley,” Sam drawled slowly.

“Please,” Crowley pleaded.

Sam’s head dropped and he nodded slowly. “Okay Crowley. I can’t fight you on this any longer. Bed Crowley.”

Rushing to the bed Crowley lay down on his back and waited. When Sam didn’t show any signs of movement Crowley raised his head slightly and frowned. “Would you like to remove my clothes or have me remove them?” Finally Sam raised his head and stood.

“No Crowley, I’m not ordering you to do anything. You decide.”

Crowley shivered in anticipation. Swiftly he began removing his clothing. As they’d never had sex without being addicted he wasn’t sure what to expect. It didn’t feel right for Sam not to be giving him orders during this but he wasn’t going to complain. He was just happy that Sam had agreed to have sex. When he was undressed he looked back over to Sam. Sam was watching him intently, lips slightly parted. The spark he’d seen in Sam’s eyes earlier had returned. Crowley smiled softly without even realizing it. 

Without breaking eye contact Sam walked over to the bed. Unbuttoning his pants Sam began undressing slowly. The pants went first followed by his shirt then boxers. Crowley couldn’t tear his eyes away if he tried. Any previous time he would be in trouble for staring without permission. He had to remind himself that he was no longer a slave and therefore allowed to look as much as he pleased. That knowledge actually gave him unimaginable pleasure. With the same excruciating slowness Sam climbed into the bed and straddled him. Crowley moaned and arched his back. Gods he missed this. It had been so long since his Sir had fucked him or even touched him.

“God baby,” Sam whispered, running his hands down Crowley’s sides. Suddenly Sam’s face softened. Carefully he ran a thumb across a thin scar on Crowley’s lower stomach. Crowley eyed the scar sadly. This was one scar Sam hadn’t given him. Even though he hadn’t been awake for the process he knew that had to be where the healer had removed their baby. Sam’s eyes slid closed briefly. When Sam opened them Crowley saw a sadness he hadn’t expected to see. Had Sam really wanted the baby after all?

“Sam?”

“I shouldn’t have left you alone. If I’d been there to protect you…”

“You weren’t the one that attacked me. Don’t take the blame for something that wasn’t your fault Sir.”

“I…” Sam shivered slightly. “I kept them alive,” he whispered.

Crowley cocked his head confused. “Who Sir?”

“The… the demons that attacked you.”

This time it was Crowley who shivered. 

“When I was gone for hours or wouldn’t even make it back to the apartments I was torturing them. I was so angry. I was angry at them for attacking you, angry at you for wandering the halls and getting attacked, angry that you cared about the child more than me. Mostly though I was angry at myself. If I’m being honest I’m still angry with myself. I should have been there to protect you instead I was so convinced that there were other things were so much more important,” Sam bit out angrily. 

“They were,” Crowley added tentatively.

“Nothing was ever more important than you,” Sam growled. Suddenly Sam’s hand shot out to grip Crowley by the chin and forced him to move his head until they were looking directly into each other’s eyes. “Nothing,” Sam growled.

Crowley shivered once more. “Yes Sir,” he answered quietly.

“Do. Not. Move.”

Crowley tried to shake his head but couldn’t move it in Sam’s grip which had tightened to almost too painful. “No,” Crowley whispered.

“Who do you belong to?” Sam asked, voice dropping dangerously low.

“You,” Crowley answered reverently. “Only you.”

Sam seemed to be inspecting him for any deception on his part before responding. “Don’t you dare forget it,” he growled before releasing Crowley’s chin. Achingly slow Sam moved lower until he was between Crowley’s legs. “Turn,” Sam ordered. 

Lifting his right leg to avoid hitting Sam Crowley turned until he was on his hands and knees. Breathing heavily he waited… And waited… When Sam didn’t touch him again Crowley took a chance and looked back to his Sir. Sam was still positioned between Crowley’s spread legs, eyes closed, and not moving. 

“Sir?” Crowley questioned.

“Hush Pet. I just need to calm down, that’s all.”

Crowley frowned at that response. “Why?”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Sam answered still without opening his eyes.

His frown deepened. “Why?” he asked again.

Instantly Sam’s eyes popped open. “Why?” Sam asked angrily. “After everything I’ve done to you still have to ask why?”

“That’s not… I mean… I meant… Why now? Why during sex?” Crowley watched Sam questioningly. Sam merely looked confused and Crowley shook his head. “I mean…” Crowley paused and tried to find a good way to say what he was feeling. Taking a deep breath he braced himself and tried again. “I mean, I need you to take charge Sir. I need you to… I don’t know, be more… dominant?”

Sam merely looked even more confused and Crowley whined in frustration. “I want you to take charge Sam. I need it. You’re not forcing me to do anything, I just need it now. Please tell me what to do. Please, I don’t know how else to put it. I just need it.”

“I’ll end up hurting you,” Sam said so quietly Crowley almost missed it.

“Sometimes… Sometimes I need it,” Crowley admitted.

“What?”

“I need you to take charge Sir.”

“Sam,” Sam growled.

“I need you to take charge Sam,” Crowley corrected. “I need you to… I don’t know. I need you to do what you do during this. Please?”

“I won’t willingly hurt you,” Sam hissed. 

“It won’t hurt me,” Crowley pleaded. “Gods baby… sorry. I know, there aren’t any other gods in this bed except for you but… Please baby, I need it.”

“I won’t hurt you!”

“It’s not like that!” Crowley protested. Taking a deep breath he tried again. “I know you won’t hurt me. Being dominant doesn’t mean you’ll hurt me. I just need… I just need to submit to you love. Please?”

“Submit?” Sam asked.

“Yes love, submit. I need…” Crowley whined loudly and scrunched his eyes closed. He had to find a way to express this to his Sir. He froze when he finally realized how much he needed Sam to give orders to him, be more dominant, take control of him. Gods he couldn’t handle this alone. “Please Sam! Please give me orders!”

“No!” Sam balked. “I won’t!”

Crowley stifled a whine. Gods he needed his Sir. “Please Sam?”

“No! I’ll hurt you!”

“Yes!” Crowley shouted. “Hurt me!”

“No!”

Crowley groaned in displeasure. Fuck! His Sam wasn’t getting it! “Sam, if you don’t hurt me I’ll kill you,” Crowley finally growled.

Sam recoiled, dumbstruck. “Baby?”

“No! Slave!” Crowley shouted.

“Slave,” Sam repeated automatically.

“Yes,” Crowley murmured. “Yes that.”

“Baby?”

“No!” Crowley wailed. “No, not baby, slave!”

“If I take that track I’ll end up hurting you baby.”

“Yes!”

“Baby?”

“Stop it!” Crowley shouted. “Stop coddling me. Just take me, now!” Crowley hissed in pain as Sam’s cock entered him. Gods it hurt after so fucking long. Desperately he tried to reign in his emotions. Nothing he did worked. Sam was his Master; Sam was his all. His emotions ran wild and he couldn’t stop them. “Sam!” Crowley shouted. Sam’s hips stumbled to a stop and Crowley growled in protest. “No! No, please!” Crowley cried.

“Shut up slave!” Sam hissed loudly.

Clenching his jaw closed tightly Crowley nodded furiously. Gods he needed this. Needed his Sir to take control. Needed the submission to his Master. Needed-

“Damn it!” Sam stopped moving and scrunched his eyes shut.

GODFUCKINGDAMNITFUCKINGHELLSHITBLOODYFUCK!

Crowley decided to stop trying to explain things with words and use actions instead. Raising his hips more he canted them just so and shifted slightly. Sam hiss through his teeth and Crowley shifted slightly to the other side. Reaching down Sam tried to keep him from moving but Crowley wouldn’t hear of it. He needed this and his Sam was going to provide if Crowley had to force him into it. 

“You will fuck me if I have to force you to remember how,” Crowley growled.

Suddenly firm hands gripped his hips and held him immobile. “No,” Sam said quietly. “I decided how we do this. You, as a slave, get no say.” Sam punctuated his words with thrusts of his cock into Crowley. Crowley moaned in pleasure but didn’t even attempt to move. Sam was finally taking control and he wouldn’t chance doing anything that might ruin it.

“Slut!” Sam accused.

“Only for you Master! Please fuck me!”

Sam obliged and continued slamming his cock into him. Crowley thought he heard the sound of the door opening but ignored it. Oh gods yes, Crowley thought happily. This was amazing. This was perfect. This was-. Suddenly Sam pulled out and Crowley moaned in displeasure. Before he could do anything Sam grabbed him and flipped Crowley onto his back. Gripping Crowley’s legs Sam lifted them and pulled him down the bed. When he was close enough Sam slammed back into him. Crowley hissed in pain as Sam’s cock thrust into him and bottomed out instantly. 

YESGODSFUCKINGDAMMITYESBLOODYHELLFUCKINGSHITYES!

“Beg,” Sam growled.

Crowley struggled to remember what words were. “Please! Hurt me, Master. Fuck me, please! I need you! Fuck me please, I’m begging you! Please!” Just then Sam’s dick hit just right and Crowley’s body jerked. “Fuck! Please Master! Sir! Please!”

“What slave?” Sam growled, panting heavily.

“Please, I have to come!”

“Come slut!”

The words were enough. Usually one of them would have to stroke him if only a few times but this time it wasn’t needed. He came with only his Master’s cock in his ass and his Sir’s words in his ears. Gods it hurt! He’d forgotten how much it could hurt coming when he hadn’t been allowed to get off in a while. Time stretched into oblivion as he continued to come. Gods he couldn’t think, everything just felt too fucking good.

“Sam!” Crowley yelled as hands suddenly gripped his cock and a finger ran over the sensitive spot just under the head. Crowley’s body spasmed and he cried out again. Crowley began shaking his head as the hand continued stroking him roughly. He was instantly thrown into a second orgasm. 

“Sam!” Crowley yelled once again. “SamyesfuckinggodsfuckdamnitSamYES!”

-

Still breathing heavily Crowley tried to understand what happened. Damn he felt amazing! He reveled in his elation for a while before he stopped to wonder if his Master had even gotten off. “Sam?” Crowley asked breathlessly turning to face his Sir.

Breathing just as heavily Sam moved only enough to turn his head to Crowley.

“You?”

“Huh?” Sam asked ineloquently.

“You come?”

“Yeah,” Sam answered with a sappy grin. “Yeah baby.”

“Door?” Crowley asked.

Sam’s grin widened. “Scarred someone. Dean I think,” Sam gasped.

Crowley grinned with Sam. The thought of scarring Dean amused him. For the first time in forever he finally felt a genuine emotion break through his numbness. Love. His love for Sam filled him so much he couldn’t understand how he could have ever doubted it. His grin faltered and finally fell. “Sir?”

“Mm, love?”

“Are you upset that I lost the baby?” Crowley asked quietly. For a while the room was filled with silence. Crowley stifled a whine. He was sure he had upset his Sam. 

“I’m upset that it hurt you,” Sam stated quietly. “I’m upset at the loss of an innocent life. I’m upset at how I behaved afterward. I’m still not sure if I want to be a father but… God baby I’m so sorry you were hurt.” Sam turned and curled up around Crowley, holding him tightly. “My fault,” Sam murmured against him. “I should have been there to protect you.”

“You always protected me,” Crowley whispered.

Sam shook his head. “No baby. Don’t lie, not to me. I know better. I always worried too much about what I wanted to pay enough attention to you. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me. God baby, can you forgive me?”

“I just… I need to know first.” Crowley gestured vaguely trying to get his point across.

Sam drew back slightly and eyed him carefully. “Need to know what baby?”

“Are you… do you… I mean…” Suddenly he couldn’t stand to lay there wrapped in Sam’s arms without the answer. Shoving off Sam’s arms Crowley stood and began to pace. “But, the baby,” Crowley said quietly. He stopped pacing and stood with his back to Sam. “How do you feel about the loss?” he asked quietly.

“I never wanted a child love. I told you that.”

“That’s not what I asked Sam,” Crowley said without turning. “I want to know how you feel about it.”

“I… Look, love, I just-”

“Answer me,” Crowley demanded, back still to Sam.

“What do you want me to say!” Sam shouted suddenly. “You want me to say it was my fault? You want me to say I’m responsible for the death of yet another innocent? You want me to say I’m sorry? I am sorry! Yes Crowley I would have loved to raise a child of ours! I’m terrified at the idea but I would have loved it! I’m shattered that she’s dead but I can’t do anything about it! I wish I could but I can’t! I’d give anything if I could bring her back but I can’t, can I?!”

After Sam finished raging silence reigned. For a while there was nothing more than the sound of Sam’s ragged breathing. Finally Crowley spoke. “She?”

Sam merely continued to breathe harshly. Crowley shook his head. His heart was breaking and he didn’t know how to stop it.

“It would have been a girl. When the healer removed the… the baby I saw her,” Sam said quietly. “Crowley I’m…” Sam’s ragged breathing echoed loudly just behind Crowley. “I’m hurting. … Please?”

Crowley turned around to face his baby. “Please what love?”

“I don’t know,” Sam admitted. “Just… Just please?”

“Yes baby, I know. I felt the same way just afterward. Everything’s alright love. Please don’t be upset.” Bending Crowley reached down to hold his Sam as he slipped back into the bed. “Everything is alright. Just let me fix it. Please?”

Sam nodded stiffly. 

“Gods baby I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you like this. I love you baby,” Crowley whispered. “I love you.”

Sam sobbed, “I’m so sorry. Please forgive me?”

“It’s okay love, it’s not your fault.” Crowley closed his eyes in anguish. “I lost the baby.”

“It’s my fault,” Sam argued. “I wasn’t there to protect you when you needed me.”

Crowley’s heart broke even more. 

“Baby?” Sam asked quietly. “Can you ever forgive me for what I’ve done to you?”

Unable to speak Crowley merely nodded.

“God baby I’m so sorry. I should have been there for you, I should have been able to keep other people from hurting you, I should have protected you. It’s my fault, I’m so sorry. If I had done as I should have we would never have lost our child. God baby, please forgive me.”

“Please stop?”

“No. I need to have your forgiveness. I can live with anyone else hating me but I need you to forgive me. I need to know if you can or if I have to work for it, or… or…” 

“No love, I forgive you. Please? It was never your fault. It was always me.”

“No!” Sam bellowed before nuzzling his head into Crowley’s chest. “I told you already, remember?” Sam murmured. “I’ve already said you were the perfect submissive. If there’s any fault it lies on me, not you baby.”

“Sir?”

“Mmm, mate?” Sam murmured still burying his face into Crowley’s chest.

“Please don’t be upset. You can have the fault or whatever you want but I still need you.”

The reaction was instant. Sam froze. “You still want me?” he whispered. “After… After I cost you our baby you’d… you’d still want me?”

“Oh Sam,” Crowley whispered. “After what we just did how could you ever doubt that?”

“I thought it might have just been left over emotions from the needing,” Sam muttered.

Crowley shook his head in disbelief. “No baby, the last of those fade a few days after you arrived. Of course I still want you. I will always want you love.”

For the first time in Crowley’s long memory Sam burst into tears. His first instinct was to reassure his love and tell him not to cry. He ignored that. It felt right that his love should grieve just now. “She… that is… the baby-”

“She,” Sam whined. “Call her she, she’s not an it.”

“Grace,” Crowley said quietly. “If it was going to be a girl I would have liked to have called her Grace.”

“Grace,” Sam whispered.

Crowley nodded. “It means innocent. She… I loved her like I loved you. Never more but at least the same. Understand?”

“I know baby. And the way I hurt you because of that… I’m sorry love. Can you forgive me?”

“There’s nothing to forgive. All that showed was how much you loved me. Just… Promise me you still love me?”

“God baby, yes. Of course I still love you. I just… I need your forgiveness.”

“No,” Crowley disagreed. “If you still love me then there’s nothing to forgive.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Possible trigger warnings: References past abuses from the first story in this series.**

Crowley smiled as Sam shifted slightly. Not necessarily needing sleep he usually spent most nights waiting for Sam to wake. For the first time since his abduction, or perhaps even before that, Crowley truly felt happy. Yes his heart still ached at the loss of his child but he had Sam who loved him even though he was no longer addicted. Sam shifted a little again and Crowley smiled slightly. Sam would wake up soon, Crowley knew. He memorized everything about his Sir and could always tell when Sam was fixing to wake.

Cocking his head slightly Crowley paused at that thought. Was Sam still his Sir now that things had changed? Was he still a slave? Sam had called him a slave during sex but that was different wasn’t it? He wasn’t sure anymore. He did still have a strong desire to obey whatever order Sam gave him but it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t the same strong pull to obey lest he be punished. He truly believed Sam would never hurt him that way again. So what was the difference then?

“Mm, love?” Sam murmured sleepily. 

“If… If we stay here then…” he paused. “If we’re staying here then how does this change things? I mean…” 

“Baby?”

“Am I still a…” But Crowley couldn’t finish the thought.

“No,” Sam said quietly. “You’re your own person baby. You’re no longer anyone’s slave baby but… If you’ll have me, hopefully I can be yours,” Sam finished softly.

“No,” Crowley whispered. The expression on Sam’s face as it fell told him he hadn’t gotten his point across. “I mean, I won’t accept you as a slave. You’ll always be my Sir but I don’t think I want there to be any Masters anymore.”

“So,” Sam drawled carefully before trailing off.

“I love you.”

Sam smiled and Crowley finally realized the spark he saw in Sam’s eyes was love. “Mm, breakfast?” Sam asked.

Crowley smiled. “What would you like?”

Sam shook his head. “I made my mistakes. I have to own up to them sometime. I can’t hide up here forever. I have to face the others. If you don’t want to come down with me, though, I’ll understand.”

Crowley actually thought about it. Did he want to go downstairs and chance a confrontation with the others? Suddenly the answer was simple. If Sam was going to go down and face his brother then Crowley couldn’t let him do it alone. He would follow his love down and stand by him no matter what.

“I’ll join you,” Crowley replied quietly.

“The, uh, the demon knight might be down there.”

Crowley shivered slightly at the reminder of Cain’s presence. Honestly at this point it would pose more of a problem to Sam than himself. Two strong willed dominants in the same room, especially with a submissive present, was almost always bad. “I know,” he whispered back to his love. He was going to have to be very careful about how he addressed Cain in Sam’s presence. Likewise he couldn’t seem to be outright disrespecting the demon knight either or Cain would get pissed at him. This was going to be tricky.

Getting out of bed they dressed. Crowley drew on the pair of pants Dean had given him earlier. Inspecting the shirt he turned to Sam. “Could I… I mean, if you don’t mind…”

“Yeah,” Sam answered. “Hold on a second, I’ll get one that’s a bit small on me so it’ll fit you better.” Sifting through the dresser Sam withdrew a shirt, inspected it he replaced it and withdrew another before handing that one to Crowley.

“Thanks,” Crowley said smiling. 

Slipping the shirt on he waited for Sam to finish dressing. When both of them were ready Sam held out a hand and Crowley took it. Hand in hand they left the room and headed for the kitchen. As they entered the three other people already present stopped moving and stared at them. Crowley’s grip on Sam’s hand tightened.

“Um,” Sam began.

Suddenly being confronted by a second dominant in the room, especially one not fond of his Sir, Crowley panicked. “I love him,” Crowley blurted out suddenly, turning to glare at the demon knight. “I love him and I’m not leaving him. Whatever happened between us is between us. If you try to hurt him for any of it I’ll do my best to kill you.” Surprisingly and slightly infuriatingly Cain merely grinned at the outburst. “What?” Crowley demanded.

“Nothing little one,” Cain stated, sounding oddly happy. “So you’ve accepted everything that’s been done to you?”

“Yes,” Crowley snapped.

“And forgiven and forgotten it?”

Crowley opened his mouth to answer but stopped. “No,” he finally said quietly. “But we’ll get there eventually.”

Cain nodded. “Good answer little one. Now if you’ll excuse me I have somewhere else I have to be.”

“Where?” Crowley asked suspiciously.

“If I’m right then neither of you have a notion of returning to hell.”

“No,” Sam growled instantly. 

“Then someone’s going to have to take charge. No offense but your reign of hell wasn’t the most controlled.”

“And you thought you might use this as a chance to take over hell?”

“Watch your tone with me boy,” Cain growled. “I didn’t come here to help you.”

“Why did you come?” Sam growled back. 

“I asked him to come,” Castiel replied. “You have to understand, while I know of their needing time I don’t know the precise details. We just got through talking with Cain so I turned to him for answers.”

“What do you mean by you just got through talking with him?” Sam asked.

“Perhaps we should start at the beginning,” Castiel replied.

“That might be useful,” Sam shot back.

“In a last ditch effort to bring Dean back I went to ask Cain to take back the Mark.”

“Did he?” Crowley asked instantly curious.

“Yep,” Dean answered rolling up his sleeve so they could see his forearm.

“After that we came back to the bunker to try and find any information on Sam. When we couldn’t find anything I asked Cain if he heard any news on Sam,” Castiel continued. “That’s when I learned I hadn’t been able to sense Sam because he was addicted to demon blood again.”

“So we summoned the first demon that sprang to mind,” Dean added.

“We didn’t realize at the time he was in his needing or mated,” Castiel stated apologetically.

“Like you’d have cared. To you he’s just another demon,” Sam bit out angrily. “Do you have any idea what it felt like being separated from him that long? And then to be in the same room and still not be able to touch him!”

“You had to detox Sam,” Dean shot back. “We didn’t have to put you two in the same room, you know!”

“Yes you did,” Cain interrupted. “Even if you hadn’t agreed I’d still have move them into the same room. Not doing so at that time would have been more than cruel to both of them. That close to the needing and especially after they just lost the child they needed to be close or the pain would have been unbearable for them. They were connected Dean, feeding off each other’s energy like a lifeline. They needed to be close enough for their energy to reach the other.”

Crowley frowned slightly. It was considered rude and the height of impropriety to ask another demon about their needings. Still he got the feeling there was something more personal behind Cain’s story. “Might I… I mean, I don’t want to be rude but… Can I ask…” 

“I know what you would ask little one. Normally I’d kill someone for daring to ask such a question but, in this case only, I’ll make an exception. My one stipulation is Dean, you and the angel leave for now.”

“If you think I’m leaving my brother alone with you-” Dean began.

“Fine,” Cain stated. 

Moving forward he gripped Sam and Crowley by the shoulders. Instantly the three of them were ported into the dungeon. Crowley shivered slightly at the cages still set against either of the side walls. 

“I’m holding the doors closed so the other two don’t interrupt. The other two have no cause to know more about these things. Sam, I’m allowing you here solely because you’re Crowley’s mate and he still needs you near. If you have any questions about anything I say hold your tongue. If they’re about me I won’t answer them and if they’re about the needing time then Crowley can answer them. Got it?”

“Yes,” Sam answered, eying Cain warily.

“Even though I’m choosing to answer this question I don’t suggest you interrupt or ask any other demon about it after this. Are we clear Crowley?”

“Clear,” Crowley repeated quietly.

“As you will know from personal experience needings amplify whatever it is you crave during sex. In the case of you and your mate that means his need for dominance spikes while your need to submit or appease him spikes. What you may not have realized is that these spikes range in degrees based on the individual demons level of power.”

Cain paused and watched Crowley expectantly. Crowley got the distinct impression he was supposed to say something here but couldn’t understand what. “So… the more power a demon has…” 

“Or a demon knight?” Cain asked raising an eyebrow.

Crowley’s lips parted as he finally understood. There had been no demon knights in hell since he’d been turned so he’d never actually contemplated that before. If a demon knight was in hell during their needing almost no one would be safe from the effects. “The pull we feel when we get too close to another during their needing would be inescapable. And as a demon knight would have more basic power…” 

“No one would be able to deny us no matter how much they wanted. They would have the power to take any demon they wished. To force the most defiant to submit against their will. Most of the others reveled in that feeling.”

“Did you?” Sam growled.

“Careful boy. I allow your presence here only as a courtesy to your mate.”

“Please Sam. This isn’t anything we ever discuss even with other demons. Most demons don’t even know what’s happening when they first experience it. If he knows something-” 

“I know much about it but that’s not why I chose to come help you,” Cain interrupted. "Now both of you hush.” Sam glared at Cain but Cain ignored it for which Crowley was grateful. “I did not take as much pleasure in the submission as the other demon knights. I took what I wanted when I wanted it. I didn’t need pheromones to force anyone into submission for me. When my time came I usually spent it topside in an unpopulated area. As Crowley can no doubt attest, spending a needing in solitude is less than pleasant.”

Crowley shivered as he wrapped his arms around himself. “Did you ever find a way to make it more bearable?”

“Once,” Cain murmured. For a half of a second Crowley was sure he saw a smile on the demon knight’s face. “I returned to an area I’d used previously and was fairly sure would still be devoid of humans. I misjudged.”

Crowley winced. The amount of dominance a demon knight would exude during a needing would be immense. Even a demon forced to submit would walk away from such an encounter injured. He didn’t want to think about how a human would fare.

“Luckily she show up as it was just ending. I won’t lie and say it wasn’t bad but she survived. In the end I think what saved her was that she didn’t resist. I was already so close to the ending that the effects were wearing off but if she had resisted…” 

“Then you would have killed her,” Crowley whispered.

Cain closed his eyes for a few seconds and a pained expression crossed his face. Finally he reopened his eyes. “It would have reinforced the need for submission. When…” Cain hesitated slightly but held Crowley’s eyes. “When it was over I looked down at this… innocent, broken, human I hurt. I hadn’t meant to hurt anyone. I had chosen that spot specifically because I didn’t think there would be anyone nearby. When I saw her looking up at me with those hurt, terrified, pain filled, eyes is the exact moment I fell.”

Cain paused slightly at this still holding Crowley’s vision. Crowley nodded. He understood exactly what Cain meant. There was only one type of fall left for a demon. Cain had found his mate and realized he was responsible for her pain. For perhaps the first time ever he could almost see their own relationship from Sam’s side. Losing control, hurting someone, finally being able to see them clearly and realizing how sorry you were. Unable to retract your actions. Anxious about how they would see you now? Worried they wouldn’t be able to love you after this one step too far.

“I bent down to pick her up and she flinched. I almost didn’t have the heart to touch her after that. If it wasn’t for our innate need to take care of our submissives I don’t think I could ever have touched her again. Still, I was a demon and she was only a human. While I was drawn to help her as my mate I had already resigned myself to losing her.”

Crowley flinched, Sam growled, and Cain nodded slowly.

“Kneeling down I conjured a bowl of water. I could have conjured a cloth as well but I needed to use something of mine; something that had _my_ scent on it. I wanted to use something that smelled like me to mark her as my own. I took off my shirt and tore it into smaller pieces. I know I was talking, whispering things to her, trying to soothe her somehow but I can’t remember anything I said that night.”

“Yes,” Sam consented quietly. “It’s not the words that matter.”

“It’s the mate that matters,” Cain agreed. “I was trying so hard to be careful cleaning her injuries I wasn’t accomplishing anything. My hands were shaking so much I feared I would accidentally press too hard and hurt her more. I remember finally realizing my shirt had been covered in sweat and had to sting. I froze torn between continuing and not. I couldn’t bear to hurt her more but I couldn’t stand not to treat her injuries or that she didn’t have my scent yet. 

It wasn’t until something touched my cheek that I realized she’d moved. When I looked down I saw her hand less than an inch from my face. I’d surprised her, taken advantage of her, hurt her, and yet she was the one comforting me. Before I could even think I was backing away from her. I couldn’t accept her comfort after everything. I didn’t deserve it. She refused to be deterred though and kept inching closer. That’s finally what forced me to stop moving. I realized how much it hurt her to keep following me and quit trying to flee.

And now, little one, we get to the reason I agreed to show up here to help. Castiel and Dean approached me earlier and asked about returning the Mark. I had assumed I’d heard the last of them when Castiel reappeared asking me about demon mating. He explained they’d summoned Crowley and feared Crowley might still be feeling the effects of the needing.”

Crowley ducked his head in embarrassment at the others discussing this.

“He was right to call me this time, little one. If he had not I wouldn’t have been able to confirm anything. Then you wouldn’t have your mate with you right now would you?”

“Dean threatened to storm hell,” Crowley whispered.

“He would have only gotten his damn self killed that way,” Sam huffed.

Cain cleared his throat and Crowley muttered a quick, “Sorry.”

“I decided to stay after confirming you two were placed close enough. I had to make sure that Crowley was all right.”

“I take care of my mate,” Sam snapped instantly.

Crowley was filled with equal amounts of pride in his mate and dread of the demon knight’s retaliation as he watched Cain’s jaw clench and unclench.

“I have never shown the slightest interest in your mate. You will watch your tone next time or I will not be responsible for my actions,” Cain finally growled.

“Thank you for retrieving Sam for me,” Crowley said quickly, trying to defuse the situation.

There were several tense seconds of silence before Cain finally continued. “As I was saying. As Crowley was near the end of his needing and just lost the child I wanted to keep an eye on him until Sam and he were reunited. I decided to stay so I could… ‘make sure there were no residual effects’. I would loved to have had my own child but was unable. As my mate was human I wouldn’t have another needing during her lifetime. Not only did I never get to have a child with my mate I was tricked into killing her. 

I know very viscerally what it feels like to lose your mate. Crowley was all but sure that you no longer wanted him. My intentions were only to help if needed. The severing of a mating bond is an indescribable pain to someone who has never felt it, Sam. I wanted to spare him as much as I could if you really had severed the bond.”

“I will never leave him,” Sam replied quietly. “He would have to be the one that leaves me.”

Crowley shook his head. “Never,” he whispered.

“Now that that’s settled, Crowley?” Cain interjected.

Crowley turned to the demon knight expectantly.

“How do you feel now that you know you’re not losing your mate?”

“Loved,” Crowley whispered turning back to gaze at his Sam.

“I figured as much by now. By the way, you two might want to keep it down the next time you’re intimate. We could hear you down in the kitchen.”

“Oh gods,” Crowley moaned, placing a hand over his face. “Even the angel?”

“Dean took off pretty sure that you two were fighting. I’m pretty sure Castiel knew exactly what was going on though. After all, our senses are better than the normal human’s senses.

Crowley winced harder against the hand still covering his face.

“You should have seen Dean’s face when he came back downstairs,” Cain teased.

Groaning again Crowley turned and pressed his face into Sam’s chest trying to hide.

“Castiel and I had a small wager on what Dean would grab when he came back downstairs. It was a toss up between Absolut or Jack.”

“Both,” Sam answered.

“Yep,” Cain agreed. 

“Sounds like Dean,” Sam chuckled.

“Speaking of Dean, if I don't send you two back soon he’s probably going to try and break down the door.”

“Probably,” Sam agreed. 

-

While Cain blinked Crowley and Sam back into the kitchen he did not return with them. It was just like the demon knight to throw others into the fray and not worry overmuch about how they fared. Crowley turned and was faced with a curious angel and annoyed hunter. Reaching down Crowley felt around until he found Sam’s hand and gripped it tightly. Dean crossed his arms and leaned back against the table. Dropping his eyes Crowley stared at the ground.

“The, uh, question I wanted to ask Cain was of a personal nature. He wanted to answer it in a more private setting,” Crowley explained. “I do apologize for our abrupt departure.”

“I’ll bet,” Dean huffed. “So now that you know our story how about you tell us your story?”

Crowley didn’t look up and remained silent allowing Sam to decide what to relay.

“I think we should all sit down before I start,” Sam stated. When they all moved to sit down Crowley didn’t release Sam’s hand. Finally all four were seated around the table. “I spent a year looking for you before I had the idea of kidnapping Crowley. It was a last ditch effort but I had to see if it would work.”

“After all the trouble drinking demon blood cause before you think-” Dean began. Sam cut him off before he could finish.

“This is going to be hard enough to tell Dean. Let me get through this before you ask any questions.” Sam waited until Dean nodded before beginning again. “Out of everything I’ve done since then kidnapping was the least of any of it, though perhaps also the worst. Without that kidnapping the rest of it would never have happened either. The only reason the rest of this story happened was because of that one kidnapping.”

Sam paused and pressed his lips together. Crowley knew what was going through his love’s mind. He gave Sam’s hand what he hoped was a reassuring squeeze and Sam tightened his grip on Crowley’s hand as well. Taking a deep breath Sam continued.

“I kidnapped Crowley, put the power suppressing cuffs and collar on him, and kept him in a demon trap in the dungeon. I also injected him with my own blood until he was readdicted so he would become dependent on me. Those were the least of my offenses. I also…”

“That was the past love.”

“I need to admit my sins Crowley. Let me tell it my way please?”

“Yes Sir,” Crowley answered instinctively.

“It’s Sam love,” Sam reminded him.

“Sir is more of a pet name for me. It’s much the same as you calling me love. I’d like to still use it if you don’t mind.”

“As long as it’s no more than a pet name.”

On a whim Crowley leaned sideways and gave Sam a peck on the cheek. Sam inhaled sharply and Crowley froze. He wasn’t sure what to make of Sam’s reaction. Crowley was getting ready to apologize when a smiled spread on Sam’s face as he turned to face Crowley. Leaning forward Sam slowly pressed their lips together and kissed Crowley back.

“Sorry, I just felt like kissing you,” Crowley said when they drew apart.

“No don’t be sorry baby. It’s just that’s the first time you’ve kissed me of your own initiative,” Sam told him.

“It’s the first time I’ve been allowed to,” Crowley replied.

“Hey, make out later. Story now,” Dean demanded.

“Right,” Sam said, turning back to the others. “Where was I? Oh yeah. My… uh, offenses. I did a lot of things I’m not proud of now. Hell I wasn’t proud of them then. I stole his blood and it affected me as you might have thought. I beat him, broke his bones, forced him to beg for blood when he needed it, and,” Sam hesitated. “Abused him,” he finished quietly.

“When you say that you abused him,” Castiel began quietly. 

“Yeah, that way too,” Sam admitted. “Look we’re mated, you know we have sex, and Crowley used to call me Master. How do you think that happened?” Sam’s hand tightened almost painfully on Crowley’s but he didn’t say anything. If Sam was able to draw comfort from him then Crowley was happy to give it. “Just let me get through this okay? So yeah, I did that to him starting fairly early. I did initially look for you Dean but after a while… I don’t know, you know what I’m like when I’m addicted.

After about two years I let Crowley out of the dungeon but left the cuffs on him. For almost a year I forced him to do menial chores and submit to me whenever I wanted. One day I decided I was bored with tormenting Crowley alone. I decided I wanted to rule hell. Crowley argued against it at first but finally submitted. At first I helped Crowley become king and continued tormenting him in private. I told him I wanted to make sure he knew no matter what his position was Crowley was still… still my ‘little bitch.’ 

I didn’t mean it,” Sam insisted quickly as he turned back to Crowley. “I loved you and I didn’t want anyone else to be with you other than me. I thought if you were king then you could keep yourself safe until you got back to the apartment. I’ll admit that I didn’t want to stop hurting you but I did love you even back then.”

“I know baby, I know.”

“You loved me long before then, though.”

“I’m pretty sure I started loving you when you were trying to cure me,” Crowley admitted.

“I’m sorry I was stupid for so long love.”

“It was my fault.”

“As much as I hate to break up this lovefest,” Dean stated loudly.

“Yeah, yeah,” Sam grumbled.

“So hell?” Castiel asked.

Sam seemed to be struggling with how to relay the next part. Crowley decided to step in and help his baby. “It was a standing order that I was not allowed to touch myself without his expressed permission. I disobeyed that one day. I was punished publically. Sam took over the rule of hell and I took over as house slave once again.”

Sam gave Crowley’s hand a few soft squeezes before taking up the tale again. “What Crowley fails to mention is that part of his punishment was being forced to submit to being fucked by anyone that wanted him in the middle of the throne room. We all know demon blood makes my moods unstable and I was shooting up twice each time. Whenever I was angry even if it had nothing to do with Crowley I would take it out on him. I locked him in a closet for days on end. I even refused to allow him to sleep in a bed. Instead he was forced to sleep on a pallet next to the bed. I treated him as less than a dog!” Sam growled.

“But you always took care of me afterward,” Crowley protested. “You always tended my wounds. You always made sure I knew I was loved. You protected me from others who would rape me. That’s why you got me my collar, remember?”

“A collar that marks you like a dog!” Sam shot back, pulling his hand out of Crowley’s.

Crowley’s bottom lip began to tremble.

“Protected you from being raped?” Sam asked angrily. “Ninety percent of the time I was the person that was raping you! Either that or I had you hurt yourself!” Sam shouted as he stood and started to pace.

A tear slipped from Crowley’s left eye and trailed down his cheek.

“And you let it happen! You didn’t even fight back!” Sam shouted still pacing.

Crowley’s body shook with unreleased sobs. “A dog?” he finally managed to ask. Sam didn’t answer. Slipping out of his chair Crowley walked out of the room as calmly as he could manage. As soon as he made it through the main room he paused at the stairs. He stood there only until he realized that he was waiting for Sam. The second that thought hit him Crowley rushed up the stairs. When he made it to his room he paused, hand on the knob. 

_No!_ he thought. If Sam did come looking for him this would be his first stop. Running down the hall and around random corners Crowley entered a random room. Closing the door he inspected the room. He was in a bedroom furnished much the same as his own. There were only two places to hide and he would never fit under the bed. With a shiver of revulsion Crowley rushed for the closet. Only with sheer determination was he able to pull the door shut behind himself. Lying down carefully he curled up as much as possible.

This closet was much smaller than his so that helped. This closet wasn’t a vast, open, emptiness that stretched forever in blackness. He could feel the walls pressing against his body and a thin line of light shone through just under the door. Tears streamed down his face and pooled on the floor. He did his best to stifle his cries least Sam or Dean hear him. Castiel was a bigger challenge. The angel only had to get near enough to feel where Crowley hid. He had done his best. He would have to hope the angel somehow didn’t check this area.

He should have known better! He had known better! Hadn’t he always asked himself what it was Sam saw in _him_? A dog, that’s what. A loyal and faithful ‘pet’, nothing more. The answer had been there all along and he’d refused to see it. The tears fell faster but Crowley was used to having to silence his cries. He knew how not to be heard.

_“Crowley!”_

Dean. Crowley almost sobbed in relief. As hurt as he was he wasn’t ready to test his defiance against Sam just yet. 

_“Crowley!” Dean called again._

_“Dean!”_

Damn it, Crowley raged, the angel. “Please don’t let him come too close,” Crowley murmured.

_“Crowley?” Castiel asked._

_“No sign of him yet. You go find Sam and make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid… Or, well, stupider. Crowley!”_

Shaking his head he steadfastly ignored Dean’s cries. He would hide, he would assess, he would plan, and he would leave. If Sam truly thought so little of him them so be it. He might be a dog but even dogs could run away sometimes. He had no clue how long he lay there crying and ignore all voices he heard but eventually sleep claimed him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These boys are going to kill me one day. Oo

When Crowley was awake only enough to feel his muscles were cramped he tried to stretch. When he couldn’t he tried a few more times. Frowning Crowley’s eyes fluttered slightly and finally opened. For a few seconds he wondered why it was so dark. Finally he realized he was still locked in the closet. Tense he reached out with his energy trying to feel if any of the others were nearby. He groaned when he finally felt the angelic surge of energy that could only signify Castiel. As much as he didn’t want to exit there was no point in staying put. If the angel was here he already knew Crowley was as well.

Opening the door he spied Castiel sitting on the bed. Thankfully the angel said nothing as he extracted himself from the closet. Gods his muscles were sore from being cramped in the closet all night. When he was finally out he shut the door to the closet and turned around. He couldn’t stand to make eye contact but he wasn’t going to hide from this either. 

“Let’s have it,” Crowley said quietly.

“How are you feeling?” Castiel asked softly.

“How do you think I feel?” Crowley snapped.

“Hurt. Nothing but endless painful emptiness. Numb. Dead inside. Broken.” Castiel paused slightly before continuing. “As I know some about demonic practices that demons don’t like shared I feel it only right to share some things with you. Angels don’t mate exactly the same as demons but we do have something similar. We have something called True Mates. It occurs much more infrequently with angels than it does with demons though.”

Castiel pat the bed softly a few times and waited. Crowley debated it. Could he sit next to the angel? Did he want to hear the angel’s story? Yes. In the end that’s what decided him. He wanted to know more about the angel’s version of mates. Slowly he walked over to the bed and sat down as far as he could get from the angel. Castiel didn’t even watch him move for which he was eternally grateful.

“True Mates are similar to true vessels for Archangels. It is said there is a True Mate for each of us but most have given up on the idea. I am one of the rare few that has not. You see, Gabriel claimed to find his True Mate. What I do know is that he found a vessel he possessed and never again possessed another. We have myths and legends that tell of others finding their Mates but nothing concrete. Gabriel was the last living angel to claim to have found their True Mate. I believe in him. The myths tell us how it supposedly feels when angels lose their True Mates. Those descriptors I gave to you? They’re based off of how it is said an angel feels when they lose their True Mate. May I tell you a story?” Castiel asked unexpectedly.

“Is it about Sam?”

“As much as I want to deny it to ensure you would listen, yes.”

Crowley thought about that. Did he want to hear Castiel discuss Sam? “Can… Can I stop you when I please?”

“I would rather you didn’t but yes.”

“Proceed,” Crowley acknowledged.

“There was once an angel that believed in nothing but God’s will. Whatever God wanted the angel strove to provide.”

“You?” Crowley guessed.

“Does it make a difference?”

“I suppose not. Continue.”

“This angel did everything within their power to continue God’s will. That is… Until God abandoned them and there was no clear path. The angel still continued on even when he knew it might not be God’s will but his own. In a sense, the angel fell. Do you understand?”

Crowley thought about that. “You supported the Winchesters against your brethren?”

“Please be more vague.”

"This… This angel supported others instead of worrying overly much about God’s will?”

“Yes. The angel turned from what he believed to be God’s will. He found a new path, free will. In following that course he was killed. And yet, despite the angel having turned away from his path, God still brought the angel back. After much time deliberating over the events the angel realized following free will might have actually been the path God wanted him to follow.”

“I swear, if you’re trying to say I’m supposed to forgive and forget I’m leaving now.”

“No Crowley,” Castiel stated softly. “I’m not asking you to forgive or forget. I’m asking you to reexamine the argument and see if you can view it differently.”

“Are you bloody serious?”

“Didn’t you wonder why it was me and not Dean that was here when you woke?”

“No,” Crowley lied.

Castiel gave him an appraising look but didn’t call him on it. “Dean is staying with Sam because Sam wishes to harm himself for what he’s done to you. His outburst wasn’t a reflection of how he felt about you. It was a reflection of how he felt about himself only, not you. He didn’t mean to call you a dog. He meant to insult himself for his actions. That you got caught in the insult is bringing him no small amount of pain Crowley.”

“Good!” Crowley shouted.

Castiel cocked his head and watched him. “You don’t mean that.”

“How would you know?!”

“I know that for the same reason I know that you feel numb and broken. He is your True Mate. You would do anything for him and he you. In spite of what you might think he is hurting every bit as much as you are now.”

“Good! Let him!” Crowley shouted.

“The only reason I’m here instead of Dean is because he can help Sam more than I. You would be able to help him more than either of us.”

“Why the bloody fuck would I want to _help_ him?!”

“Because his outburst was anger at himself. Anger you misread as being directed towards you. When he recovered from his shock he ran after you to apologize.”

“Sam apologizes to no one,” Crowley hissed. “His word is law.”

Castiel shook his head slowly. “Crowley I… Sam does not believe he can atone. He-”

“He can’t!”

Castiel pressed his lips together before continuing. “Crowley, Sam wishes to die.”

Crowley froze. Sam wanted to die? He couldn’t let that happen but he didn’t know if he could stand to go near Sam anymore. “How do you know?” he demanded.

“Because it came from his lips. He was willing to try and atone as long as you let him but then you fled. After that he finally gave up. He fully believes he is unsavable. He needs you Crowley. Please help us save him.”

“Why?” Crowley demanded.

“For Dean it is because he needs his brother. For me it is because I wish to see both Winchesters survive. I would believe that for you it is because your True Mate is in danger of dying and it would hurt you more than you could stand if he is successful.”

Crowley frowned. Could he live with himself if he let his Sam die? 

_“A collar that marks you like a dog!”_ “Doesn’t matter,” Crowley hissed. “You’re lying. It’s not true!”

“It is. That’s why it was me that waited for you instead of Dean. Dean had to be with his brother to help him. He is trying to keep his brother from hurting himself.”

"You’re lying! Sam would never do that because of me! He hates me too much!”

“He doesn’t but whatever you choose to believe will win.”

“He fucking hurt me! What aren’t you getting?!”

Castiel shook his head. “I understand that. I am here solely to impress upon you how much this is hurting him.”

“Fuck him!”

“Have you told him that?” Castiel asked.

“Why the fuck would I?”

“Because it might help Sam if you were to stand up for yourself. His biggest issue is that he never allowed you a chance to stand up for yourself. It might help him if you were to express your emotions to him.”

“Fuck Sam!” Crowley yelled.

Castiel nodded again. “Have you told him that?”

_“Incoming!” Dean yelled from somewhere down the hallway._

The sound of footsteps running down the hallway grew louder. Both men turned their heads to the door as Sam rushed into the room. Instantly Crowley stood up and backed away.

“Crowley?” Sam said quietly just as Dean entered right behind him.

Sam’s tentative voice was more than he could bear. Crowley continued to back away until he was mostly into the closet again. He hesitated on the edge, scared of entering and terrified of facing Sam.

“I’m sorry. I’ll go soon but… Please know I’m sorry for… everything. Look, I know I was out of line. I never should have said… well anything. I should have asked if you minded that I shared any of it first. If you never forgive me it’s more than I deserve but-”

“Fuck you!” Crowley shouted. “All I ever wanted was to please you!”

“And I let you down, I know. It’s why I can’t-”

“Go!”

Sam started to take a step forward but stopped as Crowley tensed. He opened his mouth again but closed it. “All right,” he said quietly. Shoulders slumped Sam turned and left without another word. They listened to Sam’s retreating footsteps in silence while Dean followed his brother out of the room. 

“Crowley?” Castiel asked quietly. 

“I am not forgiving him this time!”

“I didn’t say you had to.”

“He’s in the wrong!”

“He is,” Castiel agreed.

“I don’t fucking need him!”

“You do,” Castiel disagreed. “But whether or not you forgive him is not my choice.”

“Damn right!” Crowley raged.

-

As the angel refused to leave Crowley gave serious thought to sleeping in the closet once again but finally rejected the idea. Instead he grabbed the blanket off of the bed and folded it in half long ways. Kneeling down he laid it on the floor carefully smoothing it. The blanket was thinner than his pallet had been but that was all right. There had been times when he’d been punished and merely slept where he lay. That thought brought a scowl to Crowley’s face so he pushed it away. Grabbing a pillow Crowley lay down on the blanket, faced away from the angel and forced himself to fall asleep.

-

Someone called his name and Crowley’s eyes popped open instantly. Instinctively he sat up and started to reply before he even realized the voice wasn’t Sam’s. A sharp bolt of pain stabbed through his chest and Crowley frowned. Dean raced into the room yelling his name once again. Crowley frowned in confusion. Dean rushed over to the bed and grabbed Crowley’s arm pulling upward.

“Come on Crowley. Now,” Dean insisted still tugging Crowley’s arm. 

Crowley jerked his arm out of Dean’s grip and glared at him. “What the hell, Winchester,” he demanded. 

“Just get your ass up. Something’s wrong with Sam.”

“What’s wrong with Sam?” Crowley asked standing instantly.

“Walk and talk Crowley,” Dean ordered and they took off. “No clue what’s wrong,” Dean said as they raced down the hallway. “Complained of pain since you two argued.” They turned another corner and he was struck by another bolt of pain. “Was talking until about five minutes ago.” They rounded the last corner and headed for the stairs. “Went nearly catatonic. Can’t wake him, went to get you.”

“You left him alone?” Crowley asked angrily as they descended the stairs.

“Nope. With Cass,” Dean shot back as they rounded another corner.

Another bolt of pain shot through him and Crowley winced slightly. With shock Crowley finally realized where they were headed. “You put him in the dungeon?” Crowley asked in disbelief as they reached the door.

“Easier to keep an eye on him,” Dean answered jerking the door open. 

Both rushed through the room but Crowley reached the shelves first. Flinging them sideways he raced into the dungeon and over to the cell holding Sam and Castiel. He gripped the cell door but it was locked. 

“Let me in,” he demanded. Castiel fowned slightly eying him carefully. Finally he placed a hand on Crowley’s hand and ported him into the cell. Crowley rushed to the cot where Sam lie and knelt down. He placed a hand on Sam’s shoulder and gave a light shake to wake him. Sam didn’t stir. Another sharp pain stabbed through Crowley’s chest. There was something odd about the pain. It wasn’t exactly physical. Close but not quite. Crowley gave Sam’s shoulder a second shake more firmly than the first. When he still didn’t stir Crowley turned to the angel.

“What’s wrong with him?” he demanded.

“We don’t know. We were hoping you as his mate could tell us.”

Biting down hard on his lower lip Crowley focused on Sam’s face intently as if he could somehow see _into_ him. Crowley frowned. Mate, Crowley thought. There was something about that word. Releasing Sam’s shoulder Crowley moved his hand to Sam’s chest. Mate. Suddenly he realized the place where his hand rested was where he always felt their bond. A growing sense of urgency filled him.

“Sam,” Crowley called anxiously. “Sam stop it. Whatever you’re doing stop,” he demanded. He didn’t quite understand what was happening but he knew it had something to do with their bond and that terrified him. Grabbing both of Sam’s shoulders Crowley shook him again. “Sam, wake up now! Damn it!”

Instinct took over. Moving both hands to Sam’s chest Crowley flooded Sam with demonic energy. The response was immediate. Sam gasped, his eyes popped open and he sat up so suddenly Crowley was thrown backward. Scrambling upright Crowley settled on his knees and gripped the edge of the cot tightly.

“Whatever you were doing don’t,” Crowley growled.

Sam’s head whipped around and for a while he merely stared at Crowley. For a while neither said anything. Finally Sam shook his head sadly. “It’s better this way Crowley. This way you’ll be able to find someone else. Someone… better,” he finished in a whisper.

“I don’t want anyone else,” Crowley insisted. “I’m sorry for pushing you away. I’m sorry for what I said. I’m sorry for everything. Please Sam…” Crowley trailed off as he watched Sam shaking his head again.

“It really is better this way,” Sam said quietly.

Crowley racked his brain trying to come up with something he could say to change Sam’s mind. “It hurts,” he blurted out. “If you do this you’ll just be causing me pain!”

“It’ll hurt more if I don’t do this now.”

“Please Sam, don’t,” Crowley whispered. “I love you.”

Sam gave him a sad smile. “I know. That’s the one truth I never once doubted.”

“Then why?” Crowley demanded. “Why do this?”

“Because you love me. Because you’d love me no matter what. I can’t trust myself not to hurt you again and I know that if I did you’d still love me. I can’t live with that baby. I have to let you go so that you can find someone better for you.”

“I want you,” Crowley whispered.

“This is for the best baby.”

This time it was Crowley who shook his head. “Not for me it isn’t,” Crowley said quietly.

Reaching out Sam softly settled a hand against Crowley’s left check. Crowley leaned into the touch, heart shattering more with each passing second. Slowly Sam rubbed his thumb across Crowley’s cheek. A small whine slipped out and suddenly Crowley couldn’t help himself. He wrapped his arms around Sam and held on tightly.

“No,” Crowley dissented. He flat refused to believe he was losing his Sam. He tightened his grip around Sam. “I can’t lose you. _Won’t_.”

Sam’s hand moved to stroke Crowley’s hair gently. “Crowley,” Sam chastised softly.

“I won’t!” Crowley insisted. “I need you too much to lose you.”

“You’ll find someone better in time.”

“I won’t. There isn’t anyone else for me.”

“There is,” Sam maintained. “You’ll see in time.”

Crowley shook his head. “I won’t survive to find anyone else.”

The hand smoothing Crowley’s hair stilled. “Don’t say that baby.”

“It’s the truth,” Crowley told him, nuzzling against Sam’s chest. “I wouldn’t able to go on if I lost you,” Crowley murmured. “Need you.”

“Please don’t say things like that,” Sam whispered.

“It’s the truth,” Crowley sniffled. “You’re my Sir, I need you.” Crowley felt Sam stiffen at the endearment. “It’s not the same Sam. Sir means love to me, it’s not the same as Master.”

“Feels the same,” Sam confided.

“I’ll find something else to call you then. Anything you want. The words don’t matter, only you. Please don’t break our bond,” Crowley begged. “Please?”

“Please don’t beg love.”

“Would it stop you breaking the bond?” Crowley asked, twisting to look up into Sam’s face.

“Crowley… I can’t…” 

“Tell me you can live with yourself if you do this,” Crowley interrupted. “Tell me you won’t only survive but you’ll be able to find someone else.”

The look on Sam’s face said everything. Sam had no intentions of surviving after breaking their bond. Sam was sacrificing himself under the misguided notion of freeing Crowley. The revelation shocked Crowley so much he was momentarily speechless. Crowley shook his head furiously, desperately scrambling for words.

“I need to do penance for my actions,” Sam whispered. “Please don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

“I won’t survive Sam. I need _you_!”

“You deserve better.”

“But I need you!”

“Please Crowley,” Sam pled softly.

Crowley shook his head and pressed himself against Sam again.

“I need to atone baby,” Sam whispered.

“Not like this,” Crowley disagreed. “Some other way, but not like this.”

“I hurt you so much,” Sam said, voice almost breaking.

“I know baby, but that’s in the past. We have a chance to start over. We have a chance to do things right this time. Please don’t throw that away. Aside from cuddling I’ve never asked you for anything before. I’m asking you now, for me, please don’t do this.”

“Please don’t…”

“Please love?”

Sam’s body went slack in Crowley’s arms. Crowley felt small trembles shaking them but he couldn’t tell if they were from Sam or himself. Arms wrapped around him and tears began trailing down his cheeks. A sob escaped from Sam. Still holding tightly with his right arm Crowley used his left hand to lightly rub small circles on Sam’s back.

“Sh love. I’ve got you,” Crowley murmured. 

“I love you,” Sam wept, burying his face into Crowley’s neck.

“I know S- baby. I love you too, that’s why I need you.”

Face still buried against Crowley’s neck, Sam nodded wordlessly. Crowley heard the door to the cell being opened but didn’t turn to look. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered right now except for his Sam. Resting his head against Sam’s chest Crowley’s eyes slid shut. He couldn’t lose Sam, he just couldn’t. A shudder shook him. 

“I've got you," Crowley murmured. "Sh love, I’ve got you.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took a while to get this chapter up. I had to finish a request. In an attempt to apologize this chapter is half again longer than the others have been. Thank you for your patience.
> 
> Note: I should have noted this at the beginning of the story but the time span between when Dean left and Sam in hell is approximately 35 - 40ish years. With Dean being "elsewhere" and watched over by Death, and Sam on demon blood, it's almost as if no time passed for them age wise.

As the cot wasn’t made for two people Crowley pacified himself with sitting on the floor, back against the wall, and head lying on the cot next to Sam’s. While he was tired he still couldn’t sleep. With his head on the cot Crowley lie awake watching Sam sleep. Sam had been moments away from breaking their bond. Luckily enough Crowley had managed to talk Sam out of it but now he was unsure how to feel.

Oh it wasn’t that he now _wanted_ Sam to break the bond. No, he was definitely relieved that he hadn’t lost his Sir. The problem was he had been on the verge of leaving himself. _Yeah, but I wasn’t going to break our bond,_ Crowley told himself. Suddenly he felt guilty. Who was he to judge anyone if he was planning on leaving his mate without breaking the bond? That was cowardice at its highest. At least Sam had been prepared to do what was necessary. Sam whimpered in his sleep and Crowley gave his hand a light squeeze.

“Sh love,” Crowley whispered. “It’s alright, I’m still here.”

Sam shifted slightly and finally settled. Crowley waited until he was sure Sam was sleeping peacefully before letting his own eyes drift shut. He had no intentions of actually sleeping, merely relaxing while Sam slept. Sam almost severing their bond had been a jolt. In spite of his previous desire to flee he did still love Sam. It made him realize how stupid he’d been when he decided to leave. Crowley didn’t know how to feel. He wanted to feel grateful that the scare had come soon enough to stop him. The problem was it also reminded him of how badly he’d hurt his love. 

The shelves separating the dungeon from the outer room opened slightly and a small shaft of light broke the darkness. Crowley reached out with his energy to assess which of the other two had decided to visit. Dean, he finally determined when he didn’t feel any Grace. The other person walked into the dungeon and stood near the cell blocking most of the light coming in from the other room. For several minutes nothing more happened.

“If you’re awake I don’t want to know,” Dean said quietly.

Crowley didn’t move.

“I owe you a thank you for helping Sam.”

There was a long pause and still Crowley didn’t move.

“I don’t know that I’ll ever understand how a guy can get pregnant but, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry you lost your baby.” 

Crowley’s heart ached at the sudden reminder of his recent loss.

“If you’re with Sam though…” There was another pause before Dean continued. “Then we’re family too now,” Dean finished softly before walking out of the cell. Quietly he left the room and slid the shelves closed once again.

Small tremors racked his body as he mourned his daughter. In his mind he pictured how it would have been if she’d lived. Perhaps it was actually better this way he thought sadly. His relationship with Sam was not the best environment for raising a child. Still, he couldn’t deny that he’d grown attached to the idea of having a family. Crowley lifted his head slightly and sniffled softly. Had Dean really just called Crowley part of his family? Crowley had been prepared for Dean to tolerate him at most. That Dean would accept him as family was nothing Crowley ever expected to happen. Carefully he laid his head back down on the cot.

-

Knowing his Sam as well as he did Crowley opened his eyes and waited. He was rewarded when Sam opened his own eyes less than five minutes later. As always the sight of Sam’s beautiful eyes entranced him. While they were always gorgeous to Crowley there was something breathtaking about them when Sam first woke. Still, after everything that happened yesterday Crowley waited for Sam to speak first.

“You shouldn’t have stayed,” Sam said quietly.

Crowley’s lips parted as his heart dropped. Sam hadn’t wanted him near. Tears started to fill his eyes. Crowley forced himself not to let them fall as he pushed himself upright. “I’ll go check on breakfast,” Crowley muttered. He was halfway to the cell door when Sam spoke again.

“Crowley?”

Crowley stopped walking and waited.

“What was it?” Sam asked.

“What was what?” Crowley asked still with his back to Sam.

“What did I say wrong this time?”

“Nothing,” Crowley answered.

There was a long pause but Crowley continued to wait. 

“Shit,” Sam muttered. “Baby?”

“Yes?” Crowley answered, unable to use any endearment for the moment.

“I just woke up, my brain’s still a little fuzzy. I didn’t mean it that way. What I meant was you shouldn’t have stayed on the floor.”

Back still to Sam Crowley cocked his head slightly.

“You should have brought the other cot into the cell if you were going to stay.”

Finally Crowley turned back to Sam. Slowly he lifted his eyes. Sam’s face was full of remorse and worry. “You didn’t mind that I…” 

“That you stayed? Of course not. I just don’t like the thought of you sitting on the ground all night. You could have brought the cot over and laid on that. I’m surprised but grateful that you’d still even want to be near me baby. If you hated me I’d understand.”

“I could never hate you,” Crowley whispered.

“Can I, if you don’t mind, can I kiss you good morning?” Sam asked averting his eyes.

Suddenly unable to speak Crowley made his way back to Sam. Reaching down he took Sam’s hand and tugged gently until Sam finally stood. Placing both hands on Sam’s shoulders he tilted his chin and slid his eyes closed. When Sam’s lips met his Crowley almost melted. Gods he loved his Sam. When Sam finally pulled away Crowley was almost panting.

“I love you,” Sam whispered.

Still unable to speak Crowley nodded and leaned against Sam’s chest.

“Breakfast?” Sam asked.

Smiling Crowley nodded. Finally moving away from Sam he held out a hand. When Sam took it they made their way out of the dungeon and towards the kitchen. Entering the kitchen they found Castiel sitting at the table and Dean cooking. The change in Dean’s posture and the sudden stiffness of his muscles told Crowley Dean had noted their arrival. Still, Dean chose not to turn or acknowledge them. Just as well. There really wasn’t anything else that really needed to be said between the two them. 

Sam loosened his fingers and Crowley released his hand. The second his hand is free Sam moved to help his brother ready breakfast. Moving so that he wouldn’t be in the way Crowley watched the two brothers working together. Though they hadn’t seen each other in decades it was like no time had past. Crowley had a vague twinge of nostalgia until he remembered his role in their past. He had caused the brothers no end of frustration. Grimacing at the memories he ducked his head in shame. He had no clue how long he stood there until a light hand settled on his shoulder. Raising his head he smiled when he saw his love.

“Ready to eat?”

“If you would like,” Crowley answered deferentially.

“Would you like to eat?”

Crowley hesitated. He didn’t need to eat but if Sam were going to eat then Crowley would like to sit next to him. “Yes,” Crowley answered finally.

Sam cocked his head and stared at him quizzically.

“I just want to sit next you but I don’t mind eating though,” Crowley clarified. 

Sam nodded, put his hand on the small of Crowley’s back and led him to the table. As they sat down Crowley stared at the plate of food in front of him for a few seconds. Out of habit he turned to Sam and, keeping his eyes down, waited.

“You’re not a slave anymore,” Sam reminded him. “You don’t need permission.”

“Habit Sir. I mean… Sam, I meant Sam,” Crowley muttered.

“It’s fine baby,” Sam murmured.

The four of them sat at the table while only three of them were actually eating. Crowley never raised his eyes from his plate unless it was steal a glance or two of his Sam. Gods, had he really almost lost him? What if Dean hadn’t woken him? What if Sam had managed to break their bond before Crowley had gotten to him? What if Crowley hadn’t managed to convince Sam not to break their bond? What if it happened again? Crowley’s fork fell from his fingers and clattered onto his plate noisily. Sam’s head turned to him looking worried.

“I… I… Can we…” Crowley stammared.

“Baby,” Sam huffed. “You’re not a slave. You’re allowed to ask questions and make requests.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry baby, just say what you want.”

“I would like to share a room again,” Crowley whispered.

Sam’s face blanked and Crowley ducked his head dropping his eyes to the floor. He may no longer be a slave but certain habits died hard. Deference to Sam had been literally beaten into him for decades. It would take more than a week or two to break his training. Truth be told he wasn’t sure how he felt about that. It had been nice being able to trust that Sam would take care of everything and not having to worry. 

“I think I’d like that,” Sam said quietly.

Crowley lifted his eyes to Sam’s mouth. This was the point he used to love to focus on when he hadn’t been allowed to meet his Sir’s eyes. He had to mentally remind himself he didn’t need permission to meet Sam’s eyes now. Slowly Crowley lifted his eyes and met Sam’s. Gods he loved his Sir’s eyes. He could spend hours staring at them if Sam would let him. 

“Please?” Crowley breathed, still staring intently into Sam’s eyes.

“If you’re sure baby,” Sam told him.

“I’m sure,” Crowley answered. If anyone ever tried to insist later that his voice came out breathy and almost reverently he would have denied it. He was merely distracted. Sam’s eyes always did that to him. 

“We’ll move your things when we’re done cleaning up from breakfast,” Sam said.

Crowley nodded.

-

Much later that day 

-

Carefully Crowley folded his borrowed shirt and placed it on the desk. As he had only been given one outfit and was wearing the pants as well as one of Sam’s shirts that was the extent of his clothing. Crowley scanned the room. Moving to the far corner he picked up the blanket he had used at a temporary pallet and set about making the bed. When that was done he put the pillow onto the bed and examined his work. A wrinkle on the other side of the bed caused him to frown. Moving to the other side Crowley smoothed the wrinkle out of the blanket. Much better, he thought.

“Crowley?” Sam called as he entered.

“Ready,” Crowley answered with a slight nod.

Sam frowned. “One shirt?”

“I wasn’t wearing anything when I was summoned,” Crowley reminded him.

“We’ll get you more clothes,” Sam assured him.

“Yes Sam,” Crowley replied.

Sam stared at him thoughtfully for a while. “You really like calling me Sir?” Sam asked, sounding honestly curious.

“Yes Sam.”

“Why?”

Crowley pressed his lips together trying to figure out how to phrase this right. “I’ve always had a problem calling others Master. In the end they accepted Sir and finally released me from my training. I couldn’t force myself to call anyone Master because that was tantamount to accepting another’s control. I couldn’t willingly subjugate myself to another’s whim, wouldn’t. Until I met you I could never allow another person that kind of control over me.

I meant it when I told you I wanted to call you Master then. It wasn’t a lie. I was finally ready to accept someone else holding complete control over me. It’s just, that’s when we were addicted. I will never be sorry about that era of our relationship. When you finally consented and allowed me to call you Master it was a wonderful time for me. It was something that I could finally give you that I had given no one else or that no one else had ever taken from me. But that’s just it Sam. That was that era. It was wonderful then but we’re different now. 

Sir is different from Master. At first I used it only to keep from being punished, I’ll admit that. I would have done anything in those days to keep from being punished. When you finally allowed me call you Master is when Sir became something different. That’s when Sir became baby, love, any other endearment you like. Even in bed when we made love Master was for begging and begging only. Sir was for baby and love and praise and thank you and everything else affectionate. Sir was never a title after that, it was always an endearment.”

Crowley stopped speaking and waited for Sam’s response.

“Every time you called me Sir you were really saying I love you,” Sam said quietly.

Crowley nodded.

“God baby, I’m so sorry.”

“No Sam, don’t be sorry. I told you that was a wonderful time for me. For the first time in my life I actually felt loved, wanted. I’d never experienced that before. I… never mind. Just know I was finally truly happy for the first time in my life. There’s nothing to be sorry for Sam.”

“That’s not what I meant, love. I meant I was sorry for trying so hard to get you to stop saying it. I never realized how much it meant to you.”

Crowley blinked in confusion. “I don’t know how to respond to that,” Crowley replied honestly.

“Would you like to start using it again?”

“Not if it displeases you,” Crowley answered carefully after a brief hesitation.

Sam frowned. “I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want. I won’t pressure you.” 

“You said it feels the same as Master to you and I told you I wouldn’t use it again. If using the term will push you away it doesn’t matter how much I want to use it. I would do anything to keep from losing you.”

“Oh baby, I’m so sorry.” Walking forward Sam lifted his arms but stopped short. Slowly he lowered them. “Do you mind if I…” 

“Hold me?” Crowley asked.

“Yeah.”

“Would you please?” Grinning Sam finally wrapped his arms around Crowley and held him. Crowley snuggled against Sam’s chest and hummed happily. “I love you Sam,” Crowley whispered.

“Crowley?”

Unable to help himself Crowley tensed. “Yes?”

“Call me Sir anytime you like.”

“And you won’t be upset?”

“No baby,” Sam assured him.

“Then… then can you call me Pet again?” Crowley asked hopefully.

“Do you really want me to?”

“Yes.”

“Then yes baby, I’ll keep calling you Pet. Bed?”

“Sex?”

“Not tonight Pet. It’s not you, I’m just really tired.”

“Okay Sir,” Crowley replied. Turning Crowley inspected the room for a good place to sleep. There was only one blanket on the bed. With a mental shrug Crowley resigned himself to laying on the bare floor. Inspecting the bed he noted two pillows. Vaguely he wondered if Sam would let him use one. “Sir?” Crowley asked turning back to Sam.

“Yes?”

“Can I borrow a pillow?”

“Not if you’re planning on sleeping on the floor,” Sam told him.

“But I… I just didn’t want to assume anything. I mean…”

“Let me put it another way. If you sleep on the floor then so am I.”

Crowley started to shout ‘no’ but stopped himself before the word escaped. Once again, old habits were hard to break. It was still difficult to overtly defy his Sir. “I would prefer it if you didn’t sleep on the floor Master,” Crowley answered deferentially.

“Not Master, Crowley. I don’t mind Sir now that I understand it better but not Master.”

“Yes Sir,” Crowley replied with a slight smile. “Where should I sleep Sir?” Crowley asked, his smile broadening. Sam crossed his arms and glared. Crowley’s grin widened more. “Just asking,” Crowley said before climbing into the bed. Carefully he positioned himself on the far edge of the bed to allow Sam as much room as possible. Turning to face his Sir Crowley realized Sam was watching attentively. Crowley tensed, wondering what Sam was thinking. “What, uh, what are you thinking about?” Crowley asked.

“I was thinking if you sleep that far away I might get cold.”

“Maybe I could sleep a little closer,” Crowley offered resisting the urge to smile.

“That might help keep me from getting cold,” Sam mused.

“Maybe we could snuggle,” Crowley offered still trying not to smile.

“Now there’s a thought,” Sam stated. 

Finally grinning Crowley scooted sideways. When he was pressed against Sam he sighed contentedly. Sam turned onto his side, threw arm over Crowley, and nuzzled his face into Crowley’s neck. Bringing up an arm Crowley rested a hand on Sam’s back. Crowley’s grin grew as he reveled in the feeling of his Sir laying over him. He felt loved and protected and it was a wonderful feeling. Wrapped in his Sir’s embrace and happy Crowley drifted off to sleep.

-

Waking up the next morning they began to dress. Crowley picked up the only other shirt he had besides Sam’s. As much as he wasn’t particularly keen on wearing one of Dean’s shirts he didn’t really have much of a choice. Sighing he shoved his arms through the sleeves and pulled the shirt down over his head. Pulling on the pants he realized he was going to need another pair if he were going to continue wearing clothes all the time. Turning to check on Sam he froze when he the look on Sam’s face.

“Sam?” Crowley asked cautiously.

Ignoring Crowley Sam turned and stalked to his closet. Crowley watched as Sam pulled several flannel shirts off of hangers and threw them onto the bed. Turning Sam moved to the dresser and opened one of the drawers. Snagging several shirts Sam sifted through them occasionally tossing some of them onto the bed. Finally he dropped the rest on top of the dresser and strode back to Crowley. Gripping the hem of the shirt Sam tugged upward.

“Arms up,” Sam ordered.

Without thinking Crowley obeyed and raised his arms. Sam continued to lift the shirt until it slid over Crowley’s head. Without looking Sam threw the shirt over his shoulder and reached down to pull another off of the bed. Holding the shirt Sam glared at him until Crowley held his arms out in front of himself. Sam slipped the shirt up his arms and over Crowley’s head. Tugging the shirt down Sam stepped back and inspected his handiwork. 

“Much better,” Sam announced. “We’ll fold them later. For now I’m donating these shirts to you until we get you some clothes of your own. No more wearing Dean’s clothes again,” Sam told him.

Stunned Crowley nodded.

“The pants we’ll worry about later. Breakfast now?”

“Yes Sam,” Crowley answered still stunned.

Reaching out Sam took Crowley’s hand and together they left the bedroom. When they entered the kitchen Dean was the only person present. Crowley briefly wondered where the angel was but found he ultimately didn’t care. For now he had Sam and all was well. Moving to the table Crowley sat down while Sam made a plate. Picking up his fork Sam turned to Crowley and paused. 

“Are you not eating?” Sam asked.

“I don’t need to but I could if you like,” Crowley replied.

“Do you want to eat?”

Unused to making decisions Crowley hesitated before answering. “Not in particular,” he said quietly.

With a nod Sam turned back to his food and began eating.

-

Nope, nope, nope. Crowley decided he hated shopping. He had never been shopping before and didn’t particularly care for it now. Usually when he wanted clothing before he would summon them or have them tailored. It didn’t help that the store held less people than the rest of the mall there were still too many people. Someone brushed his arm and Crowley jerked away from the contact. He ended up backing into Sam. One of Sam’s hands brushed against his arm before falling away. 

“Crowley?” Sam whispered.

Crowley shook his head and continued forward. When he reached the area that showcased pants Crowley paused. His eyes ran over the styles and sizes before he turned and gave Sam a questioning look.

“Pick what you like, try it on, and figure out what you want. We’re going to need at least four pairs or more.”

Crowley nodded and moved to inspect the pants. When he finally came across a pair he liked he turned to Sam and raised an eyebrow. Sam cocked his head and gave him a shooing motion. Crowley snagged the pants and inspected the others. He decided to find several different pairs before going to try them on all at once. When he’d finally selected five pairs he turned back to face Sam and waited. Sam nodded towards the dressing rooms and Crowley gathered the pairs of pants he’d chosen. When they approached the dressing rooms Crowley stopped. Ducking his head he turned to glance back at Sam.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Sam murmured into Crowley’s ear. “Promise.”

Crowley entered the dressing room and paused. Placing the pants down on the small bench he inspected the room again. Stupid, he thought. It wasn’t the room itself that was making him nervous. It was that he really didn’t want to take his clothes off in public. Suddenly there was a soft knock on the door. Crowley opened his mouth to respond but no sound emerge. Clearing his throat he tried again. 

“Yes?” he asked nervously.

“It’s me baby. Let me in.”

Crowley sighed audibly at the sound of Sam’s voice. Quickly he moved to the door and opened it letting Sam into the small room. Sam entered swiftly and closed the door. Sam turned to face him and smiled. Walking forward Sam wrapped his arms loosely around Crowley and kissed him lightly on the lips. 

“I just thought you might be nervous. I figured you might appreciate the company.”

Crowley smiled shyly. “Yeah,” he admitted.

“Plus I…” Sam turned away and hid his face. When he turned back Crowley finally realized Sam was blushing. “I kind of wanted to watch,” Sam muttered.

Crowley grinned broadly. “I’m not wearing underwear,” he informed Sam, though he knew full well Sam would already know that. Sam’s blush darkened and Crowley’s grin widened.

-

“Dean?” Crowley asked softly.

Dean was under the Impala and the only part of him that was visible was his legs from the shins down. They were in the area Crowley termed “the garage”. For a while Crowley wasn’t sure if Dean heard him. Finally there was a grunt then a muffled _‘damn it’_. Dean rolled out from under the Impala and Crowley noted most of Dean’s right arm was coated in oil.

“What?” Dean asked grumpily.

“I just wanted to return your clothes. Sam gave me some of his shirts and took me shopping so I have new pants as well.”

“Hand me that rag on the hood,” Dean told him. 

Crowley shifted the clothes to his left hand and snagged the rag off the car’s hood with his right hand. Leaning down he handed it to Dean. Crowley waited while Dean cleaned the oil off his arm with the rag. When he was done Dean stood and eyed him thoughtfully. Crowley shifted uncomfortably under Dean’s intent gaze. 

“Are you happy?” Dean asked.

Crowley was taken aback by the odd question. Happy was almost a foreign concept to him. He was ‘happy’ when he could please Sam but Crowley knew that wasn’t what Dean was asking. Was he happy? “Fairly happy. I’m a little on edge because I’m not sure what’s expected of me. Everything used to be very straight forward and now it’s all so vague I get confused sometimes. For decades my life was very defined. Now?” Crowley shrugged, unable to find a decent way to express what he meant. “When you live by very strict and definitive rules not knowing can be agonizing,” he finally finished.

“And you’re not sure what’s different now,” Dean replied.

“Given half a chance Sam would completely one-eighty all the rules.”

“And you’re not ready for that,” Dean mused to himself. “I’ll talk to him. Crowley,” Dean paused slightly. “Do you think Sam’s happy?”

Crowley thought about that before giving the most honest answer he could. “Probably not,” he answered quietly. “Despite anything I say he continues to feel guilty for everything he’s done to me in the past. Also, I’m fairly certain he still has a few of the desires from when he was addicted and hates himself for it.”

“And how do you feel about that?”

“Mostly confused,” Crowley admitted. “I don’t mind if it’s during sex, but I don’t know how I feel about it in regards to the other times. I don’t want there to be any masters anymore but I like deferring to him. It makes me feel… relaxed. Like I can let my guard down because if there’s any trouble he’ll take care of it and keep me safe. I like that feeling. Now that everything is different I just feel… on edge, nervous.”

“You really don’t have any anger towards him about the things he did to you?”

Crowley fidgeted slightly before answering. “The Sam that did those things to me was a different Sam. I cannot hold this Sam responsible for the other Sam’s actions. No, I’m not angry at this Sam for the things he did while he was under the influence. I am unsure how I feel towards the old Sam, though. I wouldn’t call it angry precisely.” Crowley thought about it for several moments. “Sad maybe,” he whispered.

“Sad?” Dean asked.

“I fell in love with him before he even kidnapped me. It was one of the biggest driving forces behind me wanting to get clean. I wanted to get rid of the emotions. I thought that if I couldn’t feel anything anymore then it wouldn’t hurt that he didn’t love me. After he kidnapped me… the things he did…”

Dean reached over and put a hand on Crowley’s arm.

“I just wanted to love him so much,” Crowley murmured. “Then he hurt me. Yes, sad is probably the best way to describe what I felt most of the time as a slave. I was never good enough. I was always breaking rules. Sam was often angry. It was always my fault. All I wanted was his love. I worked so hard to get him to love me and always fell short. The most predominate emotion I felt in hell was definitely sadness.”

“Is that all he ever did? Hurt you I mean,” Dean clarified.

Crowley smiled. “No. There were times when he went so far out of his way to make me feel loved it was almost uncomfortable. Other demons hated me. They didn’t understand what it was like. They saw how I was punished and I think they thought that Sam would never do that to them; that it would be different for them somehow. Sometimes when they felt brave enough they would attack me. They envied what they considered my ‘status’.”

“Why? Because they wanted to be hurt too?” Dean bit out angrily.

“I don’t believe they thought Sam would treat them the same,” Crowley answered calmly.

“Wasn’t there even one of them that stood up for you?”

Crowley pressed his lips together as he thought about that. “One, sort of.”

“What do you mean, sort of?”

“There was one demon, a witch, that always went out of his way to help me. When he had to help me he always went out of his way to make sure it didn’t hurt. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t because of positive feelings towards me. He was just loyal to Sam and I was merely the cosort to his king. Still, he always went out of his way to make me feel comfortable. He always made sure to ease as much of the pain as possible. I don’t believe it was because he cared for my comfort but rather he was loyal to Sam and Sam cared for me.”

“What was his name?”

“I don’t know,” Crowley admitted. “I never had cause to deal with him before Sam took over and afterward he was always referred to as ‘healer’.”

“Hey Dean,” Sam called out as he entered. He paused when he caught sight of Crowley standing next to Dean. “I was actually looking for you,” Sam told him.

Crowley cocked his head sideways and waited. 

“Lunch?” Sam asked.

“I wouldn’t mind sitting with you.”

“I was hoping you’d say that,” Sam said smiling.

-

After lunch Crowley and Sam went back to their room. Crowley wasn’t sure why and ultimately didn’t care. As long as he was with his Sam everything would be alright. Suddenly Sam wrapped his arms around Crowley and pressed their lips firmly together. Crowley’s lips parted and Sam’s tongue darted inside entangling itself with Crowley’s. Crowley moaned in contentment bordering on pleasure. There was little that could make this moment better. One of the few, obviously, would be if this was going to lead something more.

Sam stilled suddenly. 

“Love?” Crowley questioned nervously. 

“Why do you still wear the collar?” Sam asked quietly.

Crowley drew back and Sam’s arms fell away. Taking two steps backward Crowley stared at Sam warily. “Why?” Crowley demanded.

Sam raised his hands to convey he hadn’t meant any offense. “I’m just curious, that’s all.”

“It’s mine,” Crowley growled taking another step backward. “You said I could wear it forever. You promised!”

“If that’s what you want then I’m good with that baby. I wasn’t going to order you to remove it, promise.”

Crowley hesitated. The collar was a sign of Sam’s love for him. Crowley couldn’t stand the thought of relinquishing it. And yet, what if Sam hated seeing it? What if it came down to a choice between his collar or his Sam? He would have to let Sam take the collar then. His breathing quickened as his mind raced.

“I’m sorry baby, I didn’t-”

“Stop apologizing!” Crowley shouted.

“Okay,” Sam agreed instantly.

“I mean, I’m sorry S-… Sam,” Crowley finished quietly, dropping his eyes to the floor.

“No baby, you didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t mean to upset you. If you want to keep wearing the collar that’s fine. Okay?”

“If you don’t like it I will, of course, surrender it to you.”

“The only way I will take it is if it makes you unhappy. If it still makes you happy to wear it then keep it.” 

Sam took a step towards him and Crowley took another step backward. Crowley flicked his eyes Sam distrustfully for a split second before dropping them back to the ground. “If you really don’t like me wearing it I’ll remove it,” Crowley whispered. “Just, let me remove it myself please?”

“I don’t know what to say Crowley. I honestly don’t mind you wearing it. I really did just want to know how you felt about it. I really didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Crowley?” Dean called from behind him. 

Crowley turned so he could keep an eye on both of the brothers.

“It’s all right Dean,” Sam told his brother.

Crowley’s eyes flicked to Dean. Dean gave Sam a quick nod and turned to Crowley.

“We good?” Dean asked.

“Oh come on,” Sam huffed. “I just said everything was fine.”

Dean turned back to his brother and watched him carefully. “Can I talk to you in the kitchen Sam?” Dean questioned.

“No,” Sam dissented. “Anything you have to say to me you can say in front of Crowley.”

“I don’t think you’d appreciate that very much,” Dean said slowly.

“Just spit it out Dean, I’m not keeping secrets from Crowley.”

“Whatever. You literally just got through telling us you kidnapped him, stole his blood, made him an addict, abused him, and raped him. How can you seriously expect me not to worry about him when I hear you two yelling?”

“He’s mine to take care of Dean. He doesn’t need you to worry about him.”

Sam’s voice had dropped dangerously low. Crowley glanced between the two brothers trying to figure out how to diffuse the situation before it escalated. The last thing he needed was for them to start fighting especially over him. “I’m fine, seriously. Thank you though, but it was just a misunderstanding. It’s alright now.”

“No dice Crowley. There’s no way I can take your word on it now.”

“I really am fine. It was just-”

“Stop,” Dean ordered.

Crowley snapped his mouth shut and waited cautiously.

“All I’d have to do is threaten Sam and you’d say anything I wanted to hear.”

“That’s enough,” Sam shouted.

“You’re the one that brainwashed him,” Dean accused.

“Please stop,” Crowley begged, suddenly thrown into a panic. This couldn’t be happening now. Not after Sam had found his brother and Dean had just accepted him into the family. With every second that passed his panic continued to spiral higher and higher. “Please just stop, please,” Crowley begged again.

“Crowley?” Dean asked.

“No!” Sam shouted just as a hand landed on Crowley’s shoulder.

Crowley dropped to his knees instantly. In that split second his mind was thrown back into the past; back to when he’d still been a slave. His eyes scrunched shut tightly. He flung his arms up hoping against hope to protect himself. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to! I can do better, I promise! Please don’t punish me!”

“God damn it Dean!” Sam yelled.

The words meant nothing to him. All that mattered was that he was in trouble. Once again he’d let his Master down. Once again he’d failed. Gods all he ever wanted was to please his Master. Why couldn’t he ever get it right?

“No! Don’t touch him again, you’ve done enough,” Sam growled.

“Yes Master,” Crowley whimpered.

“What the fuck?” asked another voice. 

Crowley didn’t pay it any attention. It wasn’t his Master so it wasn’t relevant.

“I fucking told you to leave it alone.”

“I didn’t touch anything Master, promise,” Crowley whimpered.

“Sh Pet, I know. It’s alright. Everything is alright now.”

“I don’t know what I did Master. Tell me please. I won’t do it again I promise.”

“Sh Pet. You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re not in trouble okay?”

“You’re angry with me,” Crowley whimpered. 

“No Pet, I’m not angry. Everything is alright, okay?”

“Promise,” Crowley sniffled disbelievingly.

“I promise Pet. Come on now, take my hand.”

Crowley hesitated.

“Now slave,” Sam ordered.

Crowley lifted his eyes enough to find the hand and grabbed it with his own.

“Good Pet. Come on now, we’re going to go lay down, okay?”

“Sex?” Crowley asked quietly.

“No baby, just cuddles.”

“I won’t disobey Sir,” Crowley whispered.

“I know baby but right now I just want cuddles okay?”

Crowley nodded and let his Sir lead him to the bed.

“Crowley?” 

Again it was the other voice. Not his Master but it was calling his name. Crowley froze unsure how to proceed. Was this another demon his Master was going to let hurt him? Sam had said he wasn’t in trouble. Crowley didn’t understand.

“Not now Dean,” Sam grumbled.

Dean… Crowley tried to place that name when it suddenly came to him. The new voice belonged to Sam’s brother. Gods no. What did this mean? Would his Master leave him to go live with his brother? Would he be required to submit to Dean as well as his Master? Would he be cast away to another demon? Crowley started shivering.

“If you don’t tell me what's happening-”

“Hush,” Sam ordered.

Crowley nodded frantically. “Yes Master.”

“I wasn’t-,” Sam broke off. “Never mind. Slave?”

“Yes Master?”

“I have to speak with someone for a while. I’ll just outside the door. This conversation does not concern you. When I’m done I’ll return.”

“Not leaving me?”

“No Pet.”

“‘Kay,” Crowley agreed.

“Come on now. Let’s get you into the bed first. I’ll join you soon, okay?”

“Yes Master.”

Crowley let Sam help him onto the bed. Gods he desperately needed cuddles. He hoped his Master would lay down with him soon. His trembling increased when he remembered Sam’s brother was present now. Gods he hoped his Master didn’t order him to obey Dean. He wasn’t sure if he could stand being ordered to be with his Master’s brother.

_“I fucking told you not to touch him,” Sam snarled loudly._

_“What the fuck just happened?” Dean growled._

_“I fucking told you not to touch him,” Sam repeated. “He panicked. You have to be careful when he gets like that. He’s not used to other people touching him. When he gets that way you need to back the fuck off.”_

Crowley whimpered. His Master was angry and it was his fault.

_“I have to go calm him down. You want talk? Fine, but later. Right now I have to go take care of Crowley.”_

_“Is he going to be okay?”_

_“You better hope so. The next time I tell you we’re fine, just leave it! You have to accept there are times you’re going to have to let me deal with Crowley and just butt out.”_

_“Just tell me he’ll be alright.”_

_“Not if I don’t get in there to help him calm down he won’t be. We’ll talk later Dean, I have to go deal with Crowley now.”_

Crowley didn’t even hear Sam approach. When the bed dipped as another person climbed in Crowley’s breathing quickened. Squeezing his eyes closed he hoped against hope the other person was his Sir. He wasn’t sure if he could stand another touching him. He especially couldn’t stand the thought that it might be his Master’s brother.

“Baby?” Sam whispered.

Crowley’s muscles relaxed instantly. He might still be in trouble but at least his Master hadn’t sent someone in to hurt him. It was only his Master lying next to him. “Master,” Crowley acknowledged deferentially.

“Cuddles?”

“Please?”

“Yeah baby, we can cuddle. Come on, scoot back.”

Crowley did as instructed and soon felt his Sir pressed against his back. Gods he had missed this. How long had it been since they’d cuddled? Crowley frowned. He had a vague notion that they’d cuddled recently but he couldn’t quite remember it. That was strange since he had always remembered every time before. Something was wrong.

“Pet?”

“Master?”

“You’re not in trouble Pet, okay?”

“Yes Master.”

“I love you Pet.”

Crowley smiled happily. “I love you too Sir.”

“Pet?”

“Yes?”

“You can always call me Sir anytime you please, all right?”

“Anytime?” Crowley asked in surprise.

“Yes baby, anytime.”

Crowley frowned. There was something nagging at the back of his brain. Confused Crowley tried to understand what was wrong. How could anything be wrong if his Sir wasn’t angry, and they were cuddling? Still frowning Crowley opened his eyes. The room was wrong he realized; the room and the bed. Except he recognized this bed for some reason. Suddenly it all came crashing back. Sam, the argument, Dean. Crowley twisted instantly to face Sam. Sam stared silently back at him, arm raised slightly and head cocked.

“I am so sorry. I don’t know what happened. It, he, there was an argument and then I thought you were going to ask for the collar back and then-”

“Sh Pet, it’s all okay. I promise you everything is all okay. There’s nothing to be sorry for.”

“I don’t know what happened. I remember a hand on my shoulder and that’s it I swear.”

Sam’s lips pressed together for several seconds. “Dean,” he answered quietly.

Crowley eyed Sam confused. 

“It was an accident Pet. He didn’t realized how upset you were. He only wanted to check on you to make sure you were alright, that’s it.”

“Is he… Did I… I mean…”

“I’m not sure,” Sam admitted. “Dean put his hand on your shoulder. It seemed to cause a flashback of sorts.”

He tried to remember, he really did. Everything was hazy. He thought he could recall bits and pieces of it but he wasn’t sure how true those were. Some of the things he remembered he distinctly knew happened in hell. “I don’t remember,” he finally admitted.

“It’s fine baby, I’m just glad you okay now.”

“Thank you Sir,” Crowley said tentatively, hoping it would be alright.

Sam smiled before leaning over to kiss him.

-

As they made their way to the kitchen Crowley was nervous. Sam had spent time ensuring that Crowley didn’t feel guilty. It worked but only to a point. In the end Crowley had walked away from it believing at least Sam wasn’t upset at him. He still couldn’t stop from feeling upset at himself though. Finally they entered the kitchen. Dean sat in the chair at the far side of the table while Castiel sat at the nearest. While Castiel watched them enter curiously Dean glared at the table in front of him and didn’t look up at them. 

Crowley turned and looked at Sam questioningly. Sam cocked his head and inspected him a while. After a bit Sam’s face softened in understanding. Sam nodded slightly before releasing Crowley’s hand. Crowley moved to the table and sat down between the other two already there. Taking his time Crowley tried to find just the right words. Finally he took a deep breath and turned to face Sam’s brother directly. 

“Dean?”

Dean didn’t look up but grunted an acknowledgement.

“I don’t really remember much but I apologize for my reactions to whatever happened. I understand you have questions, anyone would. I’d like to answer as many as possible if there’s anything you want to ask.”

Finally Dean raised his head and met his eyes.

“Was that how you had to behave before?” Dean asked without preamble.

Crowley hesitated. “I’m not sure. I don’t remember much about what happened so I can’t honestly answer that.”

“No,” Sam answered quietly. “I would not have tolerated that behavior if I were still addicted. There was too much hesitation and backtalk. If he had behaved in that way while he was still a slave he would have been punished for disrespect.”

Dean hadn’t turned. He continued to stare directly into Crowley’s eyes throughout Sam’s response. Finally he gave a sharp nod. “What would such a punishment include?”

Crowley bit his lower lip. “Probably just a beating for the disrespect. More than likely it would have been followed by sex.”

“Just a beating?” Sam asked angrily.

Dean held up a hand without breaking eye contact with Crowley. “I’m talking with Crowley for now. We’ll have our talk later.”

“When I say just a beating,” Crowley continued, trying to clarify. “I don’t mean that it would have been pleasant. More than likely I would have ended up bruised and bloodied and unable to move for a day or two.”

“And he would still have slept with you?”

Crowley shrugged. “If he wanted it at the time.”

“Even though you were in too much pain to move?”

Crowley shrugged again. “That was just how it was. You have to understand the blood addiction brought out the worst in your brother, he wasn’t the same person. That’s why I can’t blame Sam for his actions while addicted. I mark a distinction between the two sides of him.” 

Dean’s mouth quirked to the side and he didn’t immediately reply.

“What was the worst punishment?”

“The closet,” Crowley answered instantly. At Dean’s confusion Crowley continued. “In the closet I was unable to even see my Master. It’s spelled so only he can open the door and no matter how much noise I make it wouldn’t be heard on the outside. It was the worst punishment I had to endure because I need Sam. Being forcibly separated from him and unable to even see him hurt more than anything else he could have done.”

“Hmm,” Dean hummed thoughtfully. “Control the mind, control the actions,” Dean said as if to himself. “You really don’t remember what happened?”

“From earlier? No,” Crowley answered, shaking his head.

“You were upset but you were still you until I put my hand on your shoulder.”

“That makes sense. In hell any other demon touching me was always bad. Sometimes that was also used as a punishment.”

“How so?”

“My Master was, is my world. I love him more than anything. I can’t stand the thought of being required to be with another, it always made me feel unclean. Sam knew this. Sometimes he would require me to submit to others as a punishment.”

Dean raised an eyebrow and glanced to Sam briefly before looking back. “And these others were every bit as… abusive?”

Crowley nodded. “Sometimes more so. That didn’t matter though, the sex wasn’t the punishment. It was letting me think that he might not want me back afterward. The punishment was letting me think that he might cast me away to those he allowed to fuck me. Sam was my world, the thought of losing him was more painful then anything else. It’s why being locked away from him was the worst punishment for me.”

“I’m sorry,” Sam whispered.

Gods help him, Crowley thought he could hear his Sir’s heart breaking. Crowley turned to face Sam. “That wasn’t you though.”

Sam shook his head slowly. “I know you see that side of me as a different person but-”

“It was a different person Sir. Think about it. Would you ever let me use _you_ for sex when you were addicted?”

“No,” Sam whispered, not quite meeting his eyes.

“Would you ever lock me away in a closet now?”

“No.”

“Would you ever force me to be with another?”

“No.”

“When you were addicted would you have hesitate in the slightest to hurt me?”

“No.”

“Now that you’re clean would hurt me like that?”

“It’s not the same thing. Just because I’m not-”

“Just answer the question Sam,” Crowley pressed.

Sam sighed. “No.”

“See, you’re not the same person now. You wouldn’t do anything like that now. You’re a completely different person now that you’re clean.”

“ _I_ don’t see it that way Crowley. No matter what I was using it was still me. I hurt you. I did those things to you. I hurt you and allowed others to hurt you.”

“I think,” Castiel began, “what Crowley is saying is that he trusts you.”

Startled, Crowley jumped slightly in his chair. Until now Crowley had actually forgotten about the angel’s presence. He cringed a little when he realized what Castiel had to think of Sam now. If he could pray at all he would pray now. He wasn’t exactly sure if he would be struck dead for praying or not but why take the chance. 

“I don’t trust me,” Sam argued. 

“It’s been my experience that humans generally cannot see themselves accurately,” Castiel said slowly. “They usually see things as all good or all bad when, in fact, things are usually a mixture of both. Might I suggest that both of you try to see things from the other person’s perspective?”

Crowley had tried to see things from Sam’s perspective before. It hadn’t helped. He frowned at the thought. Had he given it his best or only made superficial effort? Maybe he should try harder to understand how Sam had to feel about everything.

“Baby?” Sam said quietly. 

“Sam?”

“If you don’t mind I’d like for us both to go back to the bedroom now.”

“Yes Sam,” Crowley agreed.

“I mean, not for sex,” Sam added instantly. “I just wanted to talk.”

Crowley smiled. “As much as I would love to be with you again I understand,” he told Sam.


	10. Chapter 10

The talk had gone as well as possible Crowley supposed. Considering the fact that all their talks lately had ended in one of them yelling at the other or a panic attack, it probably went better than the others. A lot of the conversation was Sam specifically asking Crowley what he wanted out of their relationship now. It had been uncomfortable for Crowley but he had pressed himself to answer. While he knew he wanted Sam it had been difficult for him to articulate much more beyond that. Mostly he just wanted Sam. If he had to force down the rest of his desires he would learn to deal with that as long as he had his Sam.

Given half a choice in the matter he would choose to keep their sex life mostly the same except for the times he was required to be with others. He had just gotten so used to how things were when they were together that he needed it way now. Sam hadn’t said much one way or the other. Even though he’d been nervous at sharing these things at least Sam had held him the entire time. It was hard to feel too afraid with Sam’s arms around him. 

Throughout it all Sam’s voice remained calm and even. He hadn’t betrayed anything during their discussion. Crowley was so worried by the end of their talk that he was almost shivering. Sam held him and they lay together for several hours while Crowley attempted to calm his nerves. Being assertive or at least asking for things was new to Crowley. Even now, no matter how small the favor Crowley still hated the idea of asking for anything. Sam always seemed to know just what to do to help him and Crowley was grateful for that.

-

Walking out of the library Crowley had his nose in the book. He paid only enough attention to keep from running into anything. He was mid sentence when arms wrapped around him from behind. One wrapped tightly around his waist and the other went higher; fingers splayed out to press against his chest. The other person pulled Crowley back until they were flush against each other. Crowley almost panicked until the person leaned close and a familiar voice whispered into his ear.

“Hello Pet,” Sam whispered.

Crowley gasped involuntarily. “S- Sam?” Crowley stuttered.

“Mm,” Sam hummed. “Have fun with your book.”

Crowley barely had time to process the words before Sam’s arms were gone.

-

Crowley skimmed the recipe again double checking the time. Turning he suddenly found himself wrapped in Sam’s arms. Sam bent down and pressed their lips together. Surprised, it took Crowley’s mind several seconds to catch up to things. Finally Crowley parted his lips and started to kiss back when Sam drew away. Crowley almost growled in frustration. With a quick peck to Crowley’s forehead Sam turned and left the kitchen.

Damn it. Crowley groaned mentally and shifted trying to relieve some of the building pressure. Just what was Sam playing at, Crowley wondered. Gripping the counter tightly Crowley tried to reign in the lust trying to consume him. This was going to rapidly become unbearable if it continued. Taking several deep breaths Crowley finally managed to calm down and pull himself together. 

-

The next few days were maddening. Crowley would be doing something and from out of nowhere Sam would appear. The manner of Sam’s distractions varied. Sometimes it was a soft hand grazing across his chest, sometimes it was firm pinch to his backside, and sometimes it was nothing more than a few soft words whispered into his ear. Too much more of this and he would end up going crazy. Something was going to have to give.

-

Crowley had never been particularly assertive before when it came to asking for anything during their relationship. After five days of teasing caresses, overt groping, and tantalizingly sexual phrases whispered into his ears Crowley was about to go mad. He desperately needed to be with his Sam. At this point he was almost scared to even leave their room. No matter how vigilant he tried to remain Sam always managed to surprise him. Glaring at the door Crowley tried to work up the courage to leave their room. 

This is stupid, he thought. He couldn’t hide in here forever. Slowly Crowley approached the door. Cautiously he turned the knob and peered around the doorframe. When he didn’t see anyone he rolled his eyes. Stupid, he thought again. Straightening he opened the door the rest of the way and left the room. He was halfway to the stairs when Sam stepped out of the bathroom at the end of the hallway. Crowley froze. Wearing nothing more than a towel around his waist Sam crossed his arms, leaned sideways against the doorway, and smiled.

“What’s up baby?” Sam asked.

“Nothing,” Crowley answered quickly. As strong as the urge to back away was, the urge to move closer was just as strong. Crowley had to suppress a whine of frustration. At this point just the sight of Sam, not to mention topless, was enough to set him on edge. “I… I just…”

“Yes?” Sam asked cocking an eyebrow.

Gods he couldn’t do this anymore. “Can I… I mean, can we… I mean, I would like it if you have time for us to be together,” Crowley muttered stumbling over the words. The way Sam’s smile broadened gave Crowley the chills.

“You got it, Pet,” Sam smirked.

Crowley shivered in anticipation. 

Sam walked closer until he had completely invaded Crowley’s personal space. “Bed now,” Sam ordered.

Crowley nodded obediently before realizing he still wasn’t moving. Quickly he turned and rushed back into the bedroom. He stopped near the bed and his hands went to the hem of his shirt before hesitating. Should he take the initiative here or wait for an order? He turned to give Sam a questioning look. Sam merely cocked an eyebrow and waited.

“Sir?” Crowley asked nervously.

“Don’t look at me, Pet. It’s your call. Either you want this or you don’t,” Sam answered off-handedly.

“Definitely want,” Crowley panted.

Sam shrugged. “Then you need to do two things.”

“Which are?” Crowley whispered.

Sam stalked forward and cupped Crowley’s chin. Leaning down Sam pressed a light kiss to Crowley’s forehead. Straightening Sam stared down at him and smiled. “First, we need to establish a safe word.”

Crowley frowned. “Safe word?” he asked confused.

“Yep.” Sam wound his arms around Crowley and leaned back slightly. “If we’re going to do this then you need a safe word. Something you wouldn’t normally say during sex.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You need what you need, baby, and I need what I need. I want to give you what you need but I need to know that you’re safe if we’re going to do this. I understand you need this but I can’t allow myself to participate unless I know for sure you’re safe. For that we’re going to need a safe word, okay?”

Crowley nodded slowly. Finally he was beginning to understand. Sam was still scared of hurting him. Sam needed to know Crowley would be safe. Having a safe word didn’t mean that he had to use it, Crowley mused. “Luci,” he said finally.

Sam growled. “No, not him,” Sam disagreed immediately.

“You can’t deny that name would stop you,” Crowley pointed out.

“Because he possessed me and beat Dean almost to death. Because he wanted to end all life. Because given half a chance he would have killed you. No, pick something else.”

He thought about it some more. “Blue?” he offered.

“Works for me,” Sam told him.

“So, the second thing?” Crowley pressed.

“I want you to promise me, promise on our bond, you will use that word whenever you need to use it.”

“Promise.”

“Careful, Crowley. I don’t mean only if I’m going to go too far by hell’s standards. If you let it get as bad as it was in hell I won’t ever sleep with you again. Use the word whenever you think _I_ would think you’d need it.”

“But then I would have to use it all the time,” Crowley complained.

“No. As long as I know you’re not letting things get _too_ far I’ll be good. Understood?”

“Understood,” Crowley agreed. 

-

Crowley moaned loudly as Sam flipped them so Sam was laying on his back. He winced slightly as Sam’s fingernails scraped down his back. It was painful but in a good way; a very good way. Crowley shifted to get his feet under him and grabbed onto the headboard. Without breaking the rhythm too much he continued moving. Gods his Sam was amazing. After days of torturous flirting he desperately needed this.

“More Sam, more,” Crowley groaned. 

“Mine,” Sam growled roughly grabbing onto Crowley’s hips.

Unable to reply verbally Crowley nodded vigorously. Flexing his thighs he continued lifting and slamming himself back down onto Sam. Sam, for his part, moaned and thrust upward to meet him every time. Gods this was heaven. Crowley grinned broadly at the comparison as soon as it crossed his mind. 

-

When they finally finished Crowley was exhausted. While he was used to the physical exertion he wasn’t used to how amazing it felt to be with Sam without being addicted. In his defense he had never had that many opportunities to be with Sam while clean. Grinning Crowley reveled in the feeling. He could get used to feeling like this. Closing his eyes he tried to imagine how it would be to feel like this for the rest of eternity. Suddenly he frowned as a terrifying thought crossed his mind. He was a demon, he was going to live forever. Well, he had the potential to live forever provided he didn’t get killed. Sam was human.

-

With his arms unconsciously wrapped around his middle Crowley searched the bunker looking for Castiel. For all the good that came with them being clean Crowley had realized one major flaw. Hopefully the angel would have a suggestion though he highly doubted it. He was pretty sure there was nothing they could do to stop the inevitable. Still, he had to try. He found the angel sitting at one of the tables in the library. 

“Castiel?” Crowley asked hesitantly.

The angel glanced up from the book in front of him and inspected Crowley curiously.

“I wanted to, to…” Crowley stopped, took a deep breath, released it, and tried again. “I wanted to ask a question.” He couldn’t help the nervousness he felt. 

“Yes?” 

“Now that Sam is clean, I mean now that he’s not addicted to demon blood…” 

“You are mated, Crowley. He will always want you,” Castiel stated comfortingly.

Crowley shook his head. “That’s not what I was going to say. What I meant was, now that he’s clean he’ll start aging again won’t he?” He watched the angel’s face carefully and knew the exact moment Castiel understood why Crowley so worried.

“Yes,” the angel answered quietly. “He will age as a normal human now.”

“And,” Crowley hesitated. “And because I’m a demon I won’t. You’re an angel, isn’t there anything you can do?” Crowley asked even though he knew the answer. When the angel shook his head it wasn’t much of a surprise. “So, that’s it then?”

“I’m sorry Crowley.”

Crowley waved away Castiel’s concern. What did it matter? It felt as though he had just gotten his Sam and now he was going to lose him in a mere few of years. To a demon that was the equivalent of the blink of an eye. It wasn’t nearly enough time. How was he going to continue to survive after his Sam was gone?

“You know he wouldn’t want you to harm yourself, even after he’s gone,” Castiel stated lightly.

Crowley could only nod numbly.

-

Human life was short. The amount of time Sam had left was nothing more than the blink of an eye compared to the time Crowley would live as a demon. For that reason Crowley found himself running down the hallway towards the bedroom he shared with Sam. If he were going to lose his Sir he wanted to spend as much time as possible with him. When he reached the bedroom he shoved the doors open. Sam was nowhere to be seen. Growling in frustration he tried to think where he could check next.

-

He finally found Sam in the garage talking with Dean. As worried as he had been about interrupting their conversation he really did want to talk to Sam. He stood there wondering if he should say something when Sam caught sight of him. Instantly Sam stopped speaking and turned to Crowley expectantly. Crowley had to force himself forward. Not because he didn’t want approach Sam, but because sometimes just the sight of Sam could stun him. He smiled slightly as he approached.

“What’s up baby?” Sam asked.

“I want you,” Crowley told him honestly.

“Right now?” 

“Yes,” Crowley pressed. “I mean… Please?”

Sam watched him fixedly and Crowley waited impatiently.

“No offense baby but usually you’re not this forward. What changed?”

“Pet,” Crowley corrected.

“Okay baby,” Sam replied with a nod. “What changed Pet?” 

“I don’t want to say just yet. Please, can we just be together first?”

Sam turned sideways to look over at Dean. Dean shook his head and put his hands up as he backed away. “Don’t look at me, I don’t want to know anything about that part of your relationship. I’m going to get something to eat now. Whatever happens, don’t tell me about it,” Dean announced as he all but fled from the area.

For a long while all was quiet. “Sir?” Crowley asked.

“Yeah, I mean yes. Yes Pet, we can do that but I have one condition.”

Crowley winced. “Yes?” he asked tentatively.

“Promise you’ll tell me what this is all about afterward?”

Crowley fought not to wince a second time. “Yeah,” he agreed quietly.

-

Smiling euphorically Crowley canted his hips. Sam let out another loud moan as he finally came. One of Sam’s hands was clenched tightly over Crowley’s right shoulder as the fingers of the other dug into Crowley’s left hip. Crowley sighed happily. Finally Sam released him and drew out slowly. Crowley grumbled with displeasure half-heartedly. Sam moved and finally laid down next to where Crowley knelt, still on elbows and knees.

“Mmm. Pet,” Sam murmured as he flung one arm across the pillows. 

Crowley shoved his legs out straight and turned to curl up against his mate. His head rested over Sam’s arm and his eyes drifted closed. Sam’s other arm draped itself over Crowley and wrapped around his waist. Inhaling deeply Crowley gave a satisfied hum. If only they could stay just like this until the end of time.

“Pet?” Sam asked, still breathing slightly too heavy.

“Love you,” Crowley murmured back. There was a soft rocking motion and Crowley realized Sam was laughing silently. Opening his eyes Crowley twisted and turned back to look at Sam. “Hmm?” Crowley hummed questioningly.

“Nothing baby,” Sam said teasingly. “Baby? Can you tell me what upset you now?”

Crowley frowned. “How do you know I was upset?” Sam let out an exasperated huff and rolled his eyes. Crowley grinned. “Okay, okay.” Stilling, Crowley thought about how best to answer Sam. Finally he turned back onto his side and snuggled against Sam again. “I was upset because I just realized something. Now that we’re both clean you will age and I will stay as I am,” Crowley said quietly. “One day I will lose you.” 

Without a word Sam wrapped his arms around Crowley and held him tightly. Sam pulled him closer and nuzzled against the back of Crowley’s neck. Lightly kissing the tip of Crowley’s ear Sam rested his head against the back of Crowley’s. Neither spoke. As much as Crowley wished Sam would say something he also knew there wasn’t anything to say. He did his best to ignore the pain of eventually losing Sam and tried to take comfort in his embrace.

“Mate?” Crowley whispered.

“Yes baby?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, love. Always and forever.”

-

The two of them sat at the table. Sam was eating breakfast and Crowley was ‘spanning time’ with his beloved. If he was going to lose Sam, Crowley was bound and determined to spend as much time with him as possible. The angel entered the kitchen and paused. Crowley almost rolled his eyes. He didn’t care how the angel felt about them cuddling, he was going to snuggle with his Sam as much as possible before he lost his Sir. Sam’s arm around him tightened slightly before giving a few reassuring pats.

“Sam?” Castiel asked quietly.

“What?” Sam grumped.

“I told Crowley there was nothing _I_ could do and that was the truth.” The angel hesitated slightly. “There may be something _you_ can do.”

Crowley sat up straighter. “What?” he breathed.

The angel hesitated again.

“Gods dammit Castiel, just tell me!” Crowley demanded.

“Sam could cure you. I mean, then you would be human again.”

“Are you daft? That would kill him,” Crowley growled.

“Not if he just cures you,” Castiel disagreed. “If he’s not doing the full trials he should be all right.”

Crowley was stunned speechless. Instantly he turned so that he was facing Sam and waited. Sam was staring at Cass but seemed lost in thought. “Sam?” Crowley finally asked.

“Baby?” Sam asked questioningly.

The spirits take him Sam seemed nothing more than confused.

“Cure me, then I’ll be human like you,” Crowley insisted.

“Then you’ll die baby.”

“And I won’t have to live forever without you. Tell me you wouldn’t choose that?”

“It’s my job to protect you baby. I can’t do something I know will hurt you later.”

“Gods damn it Sam! It’ll hurt me more to live without you! Fucking cure me!”

“Baby?”

“No! Pet!”

“Okay Pet. I can’t fight you on this. You really want this?”

“Yes!”

“Okay Pet, I’ll do it.”

-  
Epilogue  
-

With a wide yawn Crowley stretched. When he was done he flung his arm sideways and moved over in the bed searching for Sam. With a frown he realized his baby was nowhere to be found. Crowley growled in annoyance and sat up. Scanning the room he still didn’t see his Sam anywhere. With a huff Crowley flung the covers backward and got out of bed. Stalking down the stairs Crowley resisted the urge to growl again.

“Sam!” he called out loudly.

“Kitchen,” came the distant response.

Crowley paused and frowned. He always cooked breakfast. If Sam was cooking breakfast there was an ulterior motive. Dean, Crowley thought and rolled his eyes. Finally he continued descending the stairs. Making his way to the kitchen he stopped and crossed his arms as he watched Sam finishing breakfast. Finally Sam noticed him watching.

“Uh hey. How are you this morning?”

“Dean,” Crowley huffed.

“It’s just research, I’ll be back before lunch. I promise.”

“You promised no more hunting Sam.”

“It’s not hunting it’s just research baby.”

Crowley raised an eyebrow and Sam winced. 

“Sorry. It’s just research Pet?”

“Bed. Now,” Crowley ordered. Even though he was getting more used to giving orders he had to work to suppress a small flinch. Without waiting for an answer he made his way back to the bedroom. Sam caught up with him halfway up the stairs and carried him the rest of the way. Safe in his Sam’s arms Crowley fought down a grin. It wouldn’t do to have Sam thinking he could get away with leaving whenever Dean called.

“We’ll have to be quick,” Sam told him. “Dean’s expecting me-”

Crowley pressed his mouth against Sam’s forcefully. Sam stopped mid step and kissed him back. When they finally broke apart Crowley placed a finger on the tip of Sam’s nose. “I don’t care when Dean expects you. If you rush this I won’t sleep with you for a week,” Crowley threatened. He watched Sam process that and smiled.

“Yes Sir,” Sam said briskly before continuing on to the bedroom. 

When they entered Sam carefully laid Crowley down onto the bed. Crowley smiled up at his Sir. Yep, he definitely loved Sam. “Take me?”

“Anything you say baby,” Sam replied reverently.

-

Crowley shivered in the residual pleasure pain he still felt. Sam lay on his stomach partially on top of him with an arm over Crowley and panting heavily. If the world got better than this Crowley didn’t have an idea how. Gods he was glad they had gotten their own house. He wasn’t sure if he would feel comfortable being that vocal when they fucked if he knew Dean could hear them. Speaking of Dean… 

“Baby?”

And right on cue, Crowley thought annoyed. “Pet,” he corrected.

“Yeah, sorry. Uh, Pet?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Crowley grumbled. “Go. Your brother needs you.”

Sam hesitated slightly. “Pet?”

“No baby, I don’t mind. Just remember you owe me after this.”

“Always,” Sam affirmed.

Crowley had never been so glad he had instituted date nights every time Sam had to leave to help his brother. Sam sat up and shoved his feet over the edge of the bed. Crowley wasn’t ashamed to admit he pouted slightly at this. When Sam was finished dressing he leaned over and kissed Crowley before leaving. Crowley’s hand absently went to his collar and fingered the tag on it as he watched his baby leaving to go help Dean. It had better only be research. If it was more than that then Crowley _would_ probably deny Sam sex for a week. Now that they were both human he was bound and determined to spend as long as possible with his baby.


End file.
